"Never Say Die" . . . Living with Lung Cancer

Memorial Information

2009-05-15T23:42:00.002-04:00

Linda's Memorial Service is scheduled for Wednesday, May 20 at 11 am, with a type of meet and chat or whatever it's called starting at 10am, at St. Michael's Catholic Church in Roscommon, MI. There will be a luncheon immediately following at the church.

We are asking that instead of flowers, if you could, please make a donation to Hospice of Helping Hands, located in West Branch, MI (866-446-7742). Linda adored her team and the care she received from them.

Another Update.

2009-05-14T17:50:00.002-04:00

This is Jennie again.

Mom passed away on Wednesday, May 13, at 3:44 a.m.

We haven't been able to arrange her memorial service because her priest is out of town until tonight but since I've heard from some of you, I wanted to update this.

There will be more information as I receive it.

An Update Regarding Linda

2009-05-12T04:22:00.003-04:00

This is Jennie, Linda's daughter.

Linda is in the final stage of her battle and I wanted to let you, her friends, know. She ended chemotherapy in January and entered the Hospice program. Since then, she has fought in her way but, barring some sort of miracle, this battle is soon finished.

Some of you have spoken to her on the phone and others I have no phone number or contact information for, so please comment here or send your information to jcelacks@gmail.com if you could. I would greatly appreciate it.

On a Rainy June Day . . .

2008-06-10T09:27:00.011-04:00

Let me tell you, it's been overcast, stormy and rainy for days . . . even the ducks have had enough! Our hummingbirds aren't coming to their feeder as often and I miss the little creatures. Every morning when I get up, I enjoy watching the red-headed woodpeckers (which seem to be the earliest risers in the bird kingdom) but even they seem to be sleeping in on these gloomy mornings.

I've never minded days like this ~ I've always thought they're quite cozy. They seem perfect for lounging in your favorite chair with a good book, for writing that long-overdue letter to your best friend, listening to music and letting your thoughts drift where they may, baking a batch of double-fudge brownies, or just letting the "drowsies" overcome you and enjoying a sweet mid-afternoon nap.

However, after "enjoying" several of these days in succession, I'm ready for blue skies and sunshine! I know I shouldn't complain when many areas of the country have been subjected to horrifying tornadoes, flooding; people have been injured and killed, and thousands have lost their homes and all their possessions. The death and destruction caused by the cyclone and earthquake on the other side of the world are too horrid to contemplate. How do a few gloomy days compare to that? I guess this, like so many other things, just goes to prove that there's always someone else who's in a worse situation than we are. It helps to appreciate our lives if we keep that in mind.

The only one who doesn't seem to mind these wet days is Daisy, the newest member of our family. Rain or shine, she's out there stalking chipmunks, squirrels and any other creature that happens by. She is so determined! She'll sit motionless for hours staring up at a squirrel in a tree. Sometimes you wonder if she's trying to devise a way to fly up there. Nothing would surprise me about this silly canine. She eventually comes running into the house muddy and dripping wet and, of course, the first thing she wants to do is jump in my lap! Casey, wise senior that he is, prefers to stay inside, beg for attention or food or take a snugly nap in his climate-controlled environment.

But, to tell you the truth, the weather isn't the only thing that's been mopey around here. The oral chemotherapy I mentioned to you last time is really taking its toll on me. I can't stand the sight of most food (even my long-time favorites) and the taste is not even to be discussed! Top that off with frequent nausea, vomiting and diarrhea, and you have a time when it's difficult to think positively. But . . . you have to remind yourself that better times are coming and concentrate on those thoughts . . . otherwise this battle wouldn't be worth it. The worst thing you can do is allow yourself to focus for any length of time on the negative aspects of treatment. Of course, there are times when you fall into the self-pity trap but you can't afford to stay there long. And, even on the worst day, there are hundreds of positive things to concentrate on if only you let yourself. The battle is as much keeping your spirits up as it is fighting cancer.

So, the way I see it, just as the rain won't last forever, neither will the bad effects of this dastardly drug I'm taking. : )

However, I am beginning to understand how someone with anorexia nervosa must feel when people try to make him or her eat. You know you need to but it's the last thing in the world you want to do. You feel like running away screaming. But, alas, you aren't strong enough to run fast or far! LOL

Now that I'm having much less trouble with my vision, I've gone back to reading quite a bit. It's nice to be able to enjoy a good book again. I just finished one about a Vermont farm and all its resident animals. You know what an animal lover I am and I really had a great time reading about the dogs, donkeys, sheep, cows, an old barn cat and, yes, even a rooster named Winston and his harem! Every animal has its own personality and it was fun to read about their escapades.

I've also been having fun with my new laptop - it makes it so much easier communicating with you guys, along with the other things I used to do on my PC. Sitting at my desk got so uncomfortable that I seldom used the computer but now that I can type from my comfy chair, it's much more enjoyable. I don't feel so out it now that I can keep up with what's going on in the Internet world.

Well guys, gotta go for now since it's time to (GASP) eat! It's only under duress that I agree to this, you understand. ; )

Have a wonderful day and I'll talk with you again soon . . .

'til next time . . . look for the sunshine in your life.

Linda

Sorry it's been so long . . .

2008-05-28T11:07:00.006-04:00

You may have been wondering what happened to me. If you were worried, I'm sorry. As they say, life happens!

As a brief recap . . .

The holidays were lovely with lots of time spent with family.

In January, we adopted a new member into our family. Her name is Daisy and she's a 3 year-old mixed breed. She looks mostly like a pit bull with a setter tail. LOL I was a little concerned about her pit bull heritage but she's extremely affectionate and loving . . . not at all aggressive unless you happen to be a chipmunk, squirrel, or a downspout where a chipmunk may be hiding! She and Casey get along well and he's happy to have a companion again. He was quite mopey after we lost Chessie.

February brought the unwanted news that the tumors had begun to grow again. Then, I had just begun on a new drug regimen in March when they discovered I had developed a brain tumor in the right frontal lobe. That required a series of 15 radiation treatments given daily except on weekends and the temporary cessation of chemo. I was really astounded at how debilitating radiation turned out to be. My oncologist told me it would make me exhausted and that's why I couldn't continue the IV chemo during the treatments but I had no idea just HOW bad it would be. I lost all strength in my legs and really had a hard time walking. Either the treatment or the weakness affected my equilibrium and eyesight. Of course, I lost all of my hair again - but this time only on my head. It was a scary and unpleasant ordeal to say the least. However, at least they were able to treat the tumor and that's a lot to be grateful for.

The downside of this is that my oncologist says my brain will never be the same again. At times I have a lot of trouble collecting my thoughts and there are many times when I can't think of the words I want to use. No one can say how much of this will be permanent. I have to admit I hate being a "dullard" but I suppose there are worse things. ; ) One of them is the fact that since one tumor has metastasized to the brain, I may get others. : ( But, like everything else concerning this disease, we'll just have to wait and see and always hope for the best.

In April, I started on an oral chemo where I just take a pill a day with no IV treatments. This is supposed to be easier on my body that the latter. However, it has a really negative effect on my digestive system and I find it very hard to eat. Unlike the infusion chemo, this is fed into your body every day and you never get a break from it . . . with the other, there are days when you don't have to worry about side effects. But . . . if it works, I guess I won't complain. I'll be having scans and an MRI at the end of June to find out if the radiation and this new medication have been effective. Please pray for a good outcome!

My family has been my salvation through all of this. I don't know what I would have done without them. They've waited on me, forced me to walk when I didn't want to, kept my spirits up and have just generally been my guardian angels. I thank them with all my heart.

Many of you havc also served as my personal angels with your cards, emails and calls. I can't thank you enough for your care and concern. It's all helped so much! I will never forget your kindness.

And finally . . .

I have scads more to tell you about but not enough energy to do it today. I have a new laptop which makes it easier for me to communicate with you so I hope to be around a lot more.

'til next time . . . You're all in my thoughts and prayers.

Something to think about . . .

2007-11-01T02:53:00.000-04:00

This is an outstanding testimony from Tony Snow, President Bush's Press Secretary, and his fight with cancer. Commentator and broadcaster Tony Snow announced that he had colon cancer in 2005. Following surgery and chemo-therapy, Snow joined the Bush Administration in April 2006 as press secretary. Unfortunately, on March 23, 2007, Snow, 51, a husband and father of three, announced the cancer had recurred, with tumors found in his abdomen,- leading to surgery in April, followed by more chemotherapy. Snow went back to work in the White House Briefing Room on May 30, but has resigned since, "for economic reasons," and to pursue " other interests." It needs little intro... it speaks for itself.

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"Blessings arrive in unexpected packages, - in my case, cancer. Those of us with potentially fatal diseases - and there are millions in America today - find ourselves in the odd position of coping with our mortality while trying to fathom God's will. Although it would be the height of presumption to declare with confidence "What It All Means," Scripture provides powerful hints and consolations.

The first is that we shouldn't spend too much time trying to answer the "why" questions: Why me? Why must people suffer? Why can't someone else get sick? We can't answer such things, and the questions themselves often are designed more to express our anguish than to solicit an answer.

I don't know why I have cancer, and I don't much care. It is what it is, a plain and indisputable fact. Yet even while staring into a mirror darkly, great and stunning truths begin to take shape. Our maladies define a central feature of our existence: We are fallen. We are imperfect. Our bodies give out.

But despite this, - or because of it, - God offers the possibility of salvation and grace. We don't know how the narrative of our lives will end, but we get to choose how to use the interval between now and the moment we meet our Creator face-to-face.

Second, we need to get past the anxiety. The mere thought of dying can send adrenaline flooding through your system. A dizzy, unfocused panic seizes you. Your heart thumps; your head swims. You think of nothingness and swoon. You fear partings; you worry about the impact on family and friends. You fidget and get nowhere.

To regain footing, remember that we were born not into death, but into life,- and that the journey continues after we have finished our days on this earth. We accept this on faith, but that faith is nourished by a conviction that stirs even within many non believing hearts - an intuition that the gift of life, once given, cannot be taken away. Those who have been stricken enjoy the special privilege of being able to fight with their might, main, and faith to live fully, richly, exuberantly - no matter how their days may be numbered.

Third, we can open our eyes and hearts. God relishes surprise. We want lives of simple, predictable ease,- smooth, even trails as far as the eye can see, - but God likes to go off-road. He provokes us with twists and turns. He places us in predicaments that seem to defy our endurance; and comprehension - and yet don't. By His love and grace, we persevere. The challenges that make our hearts leap and stomachs churn invariably strengthen our faith and grant measures of wisdom and joy we would not experience otherwise.

'You Have Been Called'. Picture yourself in a hospital bed. The fog of anesthesia has begun to wear away. A doctor stands at your feet, a loved one holds your hand at the side. "It's cancer," the healer announces.

The natural reaction is to turn to God and ask him to serve as a cosmic Santa. "Dear God, make it all go away. Make everything simpler." But another voice whispers: "You have been called." Your quandary has drawn you closer to God, closer to those you love, closer to the issues that matter,- and has dragged into insignificance the banal concerns that occupy our "normal time.

"There's another kind of response, although usually short-lived an inexplicable shudder of excitement, as if a clarifying moment of calamity has swept away everything trivial and tiny, and placed before us the challenge of important questions.

The moment you enter the Valley of the Shadow of Death, things change. You discover that Christianity is not something doughy, passive, pious, and soft. Faith may be the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. But it also draws you into a world shorn of fearful caution. The life of belief teems with thrills, boldness, danger, shocks, reversals, triumphs, and epiphanies. Think of Paul, traipsing through the known world and contemplating trips to what must have seemed the antipodes (Spain), shaking the dust from his sandals, worrying not about the morrow, but only about the moment.

There's nothing wilder than a life of humble virtue, - for it is through selflessness and service that God wrings from our bodies and spirits the most we ever could give, the most we ever could offer, and the most we ever could do.

Finally, we can let love change everything. When Jesus was faced with the prospect of crucifixion, he grieved not for himself, but for us. He cried for Jerusalem before entering the holy city. From the Cross, he took on the cumulative burden of human sin and weakness, and begged for forgiveness on our behalf.

We get repeated chances to learn that life is not about us, that we acquire purpose and satisfaction by sharing in God's love for others. Sickness gets us part way there. It reminds us of our limitations and dependence. But it also gives us a chance to serve the healthy. A minister friend of mine observes that people suffering grave afflictions often acquire the faith of two people, while loved ones accept the burden of two peoples' worries and fears.

'Learning How to Live'. Most of us have watched friends as they drifted toward God's arms, not with resignation, but with peace and hope. In so doing, they have taught us not how to die, but how to live. They have emulated Christ by transmitting the power and authority of love.

I sat by my best friend's bedside a few years ago as a wasting cancer took him away. He kept at his table a worn Bible and a 1928 edition of the Book of Common Prayer. A shattering grief disabled his family, many of his old friends, and at least one priest. Here was an humble and very good guy, someone who apologized when he winced with pain because he thought it made his guest uncomfortable. He retained his equanimity and good humor literally until his last conscious moment. "I'm going to try to beat [this cancer]," he told me several months before he died. "But if I don't, I'll see you on the other side.

"His gift was to remind everyone around him that even though God doesn't promise us tomorrow, he does promise us eternity, - filled with life and love we cannot comprehend, - and that one can in the throes of sickness point the rest of us toward timeless truths that will help us weather future storms.

Through such trials, God bids us to choose: Do we believe, or do we not? Will we be bold enough to love, daring enough to serve, humble enough to submit, and strong enough to acknowledge our limitations? Can we surrender our concern in things that don't matter so that we might devote our remaining days to things that do?

When our faith flags, he throws reminders in our way. Think of the prayer warriors in our midst. They change things, and those of us who have been on the receiving end of their petitions and intercessions know it. It is hard to describe, but there are times when suddenly the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, and you feel a surge of the Spirit. Somehow you just know: Others have chosen, when talking to the Author of all creation, to lift us up, - to speak of us!

This is love of a very special order. But so is the ability to sit back and appreciate the wonder of every created thing. The mere thought of death somehow makes every blessing vivid, every happiness more luminous and intense. We may not know how our contest with sickness will end, but we have felt the ineluctable touch of God.

What is man that Thou art mindful of him? We don't know much, but we know this: No matter where we are, no matter what we do, no matter how bleak or frightening our prospects, each and every one of us who believe, each and every day, lies in the same safe and impregnable place, in the hollow of God's hand." T. Snow

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Special thanks to Mary Dassinger for sharing this message.

'til next time . . . Remember that "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. "

Saying goodbye . . .

2007-10-28T09:07:00.000-04:00

Our Loving and Loyal Companion

Chessie

Yesterday was a very sad day here. We were forced to have Chessie put to sleep. The last week or so had been very hard for her as she lost further strength in her legs and and found it harder and harder to get up or walk. Dave and I had been helping her get up from a sitting position but it got to the point where she wasn't able to walk very far without falling again. She was very brave about it but it finally it became obvious that she was suffering and not enjoying any quality of life. We didn't want that for her.

Her loss has left a void in our hearts and in our home. It doesn't seem right for her not to be here. Casey cried when we came in without her and looked all over for her. He's been very quiet and wants even more attention than usual. I'm sure he senses our sadness and also misses his pal.

Chessie went through a lot in her life. She was epileptic and suffered grand mal seizures until we found the right medicine. When she was younger she got into a battle with a porcupine and lost. She had to have two surgeries to remove all the quills in her nose. Then she developed arthritis in her hind hips. Finally, she went into renal failure.

She was very brave through everything. In fact, the thing that bothered her most wasn't pain but thunder! The booming scared her and she always wanted to stay close to me with her head hidden, either under a table or beneath my desk. She would tremble and be very uncomfortable until the storm passed.

She loved going for walks and sniffing everything she could find along the way. She loved to play in snowbanks and dig for chipmunks. She also loved pizza crust, sausage, tuna and her family.

We'll never forget Chessie and all the love, loyalty, companionship and joy she brought to us. And we hope she's now in a place where she can again run and play without pain.

We love you, Chess.

***********

Other than for feeling very sad, I'm doing well. I've had two of the new treatments now and haven't suffered any side effects at all. My hair is still hanging in there and continues to grow at a snail's pace . . . but, at least it is growing. There is no bone pain with this particular drug and so that's a real relief. Neither does it change the flavor of food like the first one did so I haven't lost my appetite. We'll find out in December how effective it is ~ that's when I have my next set of CAT scans.

I'm knitting a new cozy afghan for the winter. The yarn is very soft and the pattern in such that there will be no openings for toes to sneak out. I can picture myself wrapped up in it's warmth when the snow comes. I've also been reading ~ big surprise there, huh? My mother and I took a day and went a little farther north to look for elk. We'd hoped to find them in the wild but that wasn't to be. We finally went to a reserve where they have elk and six different kinds of deer. It was very interesting and we had a good day. The scenery was beautiful and it was a warm day ~ perfect for out adventure.

I mentioned that my high school class celebrated it's 45th reunion last month. Even though I wasn't able to go, I've heard from several of my old classmates since and it's really been fun catching up. It's interesting to see what they've been doing with their lives since high school. I'm hoping we'll be able to stay in touch now because there's no friend like an old friend.

Well guys, that's about all the news I have for this time. I hope you'll keep me in your prayers. Thanks for reading.

'til next time . . . hug your furkids every day.

Can't complain . . .

2007-09-29T11:51:00.000-04:00

It's a beautiful fall day with temps in the 60's and lots of sunshine. The trees are changing into their autumn clothes and everything is so beautiful. Tourists are beginning to make their annual color tours and so the roads are getting busy. It's great that we don't have to travel anywhere to see the fall splendor.

My sister and brother-in-law are coming for a visit today and I'm looking forward to their arrival. I think it's been at least a month since we've seen them. I really can't keep track of time these days ~ it's terrible the speed with which days, weeks and months go by. I know time seems to pass more quickly as you get older but I think when you suffer from a terminal illness, it goes at warp speed!

I'm still doing okay with the new chemo drug. No pains, no sickness. The only problem is that my platelets aren't rebounding like they've done in the past or like they're supposed to. I see my oncologist next week and maybe she'll be able to figure out what's going on. I told the nurses they'd managed to ruin my blood with all these poisons and I'm not sure I was kidding. ; ) My white count is also pretty low but that's to be expected ~ I have to go back to the staying away from germs regimen which is a real bore. Chemo has a tendency to turn a normal person into a paranoid hypochondriac! My hands get dried out from using Purell so many times each day. LOL

My birthday was this past week and we had a family dinner at my daughter, Jenn's, to celebrate. She cooked all my favorites . . . chicken and dumplings, fresh asparagus and fresh squash . . . it was yummy and I ate way too much. Of course, there was cake and ice cream too so we had quite a feast! I also had a taste of Guinness beer but it was much too strong for me. I thought maybe the Irish in me would find it appealing but that didn't turn out to be the case. LOL I guess I'm not much of a drinker these days.

So far at least, the chemo I'm on hasn't affected the taste of food. I'm really grateful for that but, at the same time, it's given me a better appetite and now I'm gonna have to worry about gaining weight again. Everything has it's good and bad side. When I really stop to consider it, I guess a few extra pounds at this stage of the game isn't much to be concerned about. I've finally made peace with the fact that I'm never going to have my slender body back again unless it's because of ill effects from the chemo or the cancer. When you look at it that way, being fat has it's advantages! Dr. Mehrotra says I should eat anything I want to eat . . . how many times do you hear that from a health care professional?!? : )

I've been reading a lot ~ and when I say a lot, I mean a lot! My mom gave me two books Tuesday night and I had finished them both by last night. I read so much that's it's getting hard to find something I'm sure I haven't read at the used book store. Even at deep, deep discount prices my habit is becoming expensive so I guess I should start going to the library more . . . but they only let you take out four books at a time! LOL I've always loved to read and now I have all the time I need ~ I don't have to wait until just before bed to indulge myself. Dave is constantly asking, "Did you finish another one?" Right now I'm down to my last book but I think my sister, Sherry, is bringing a couple when she comes today.

I can't imagine what it would be like to not enjoy reading. You learn so many things and can live life vicariously through the characters and their experiences. Some of them become so real, they're almost like friends or family. You can visit places you've never been and, in your mind's eye, enjoy all the beauty they offer. You get new ideas and different ways of looking at things. You learn about the past which helps to understand the present. For me, reading is one of life's greatest pleasures.

I've been having a hard time sleeping lately and so there are many times I'm up until 3 or 4 in the morning. Thank goodness I have my books then! Between reading and playing computer games, I manage to keep myself occupied while the rest of the house sleeps. I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter when I sleep as long as I do. So around here, the routine is quite different than most of you probably follow. It's a bit odd but I'm getting used to it. : )

Well, I think I've rambled on about nothing for long enough now. I hope you're all happy and healthy and that life is treating you well.

Thanks for reading!

'til next time . . . make time for the things you enjoy.

So Far, So Good . . .

2007-09-21T20:53:00.001-04:00

As you can see, I'm trying to be much more conscientious about making entries here. It's only been a week and I'm back! C'mon guys, let's hear the wild applause! ; )

I had the first treatment of the new drug, Alimta, yesterday and it went just fine. The only problem I had was sleep deprivation. I had to start taking steroids on Wednesday and they kept me up the entire night so that by the time my treatment was finished on Thursday, I was a virtual zombie. The treatment is so short that I didn't even get my usual nap. But I'm sure not complaining!

So far I haven't had any side effects, except from the steroids. I'm very hopeful that what my doctor said is true and that Alimta is a very well tolerated drug. Of course, it will take a few more days to be sure because a few of the effects take time to show up. However, I'm planning on this being a much easier course of treatment. I don't know how many treatments I'll have in this course, I suppose it will depend on the results of my next CT scan which will probably be in three months.

Last time I told you about the classmate who contacted me about our upcoming high school reunion. Since then I've received cards from two of my old school friends with whom I'd lost touch. How wonderful it was to hear from them! So, I'm still getting some of the benefits of the reunion even though I'm not able to attend. I can't be out in crowds again and that's a pain! Oh well, it could be a lot worse, couldn't it?

Our cool weather turned hot and humid again. : ( I was just getting into that fall weather and it disappeared! So we've gone from sweatshirts back to shorts and t-shirts. However, I don't imagine this will last for too long. The trees are changing color and are beginning to look just beautiful. I'll kind of miss the summer but fall is my favorite time of year. I love the change of seasons because there are so many different kinds of beauty to enjoy. No matter if it's summer, fall, winter or spring, we're blessed with something special for each season. I think I'd get very bored if we had the same scenery all the time.

I've decided to start working at my Send Out Cards business again. It doesn't take a lot energy or time and it's fun. So, as long as I'm feeling good, I might as well be doing something productive. I can't manage copywriting now because it's very stressful and demands a lot of high energy and concentration ~ neither of which I have much of right now. So, if you're interested in saving time and money sending your greeting cards (and having a lot of fun in the process), go and check out my site at http://www.SendOutCards.com/5373. Sorry, I had to put a plug in! LOL

Well guys, I really don't have much more news tonight ~ I'm still very tired and not thinking very well so I'm going to keep this short. I'll try to do better next time.

'til then . . . stay safe and enjoy the beauty that surrounds you.

And so it goes . . .

2007-09-14T09:25:00.000-04:00

On Wednesday I saw my oncologist. The news was both good and bad. The CT and bone scans I had on the 1st show that the tumors in my lung have started growing again but that there is no new metastases. So . . . it's back to chemo. I'll be taking a drug called Alimpta this time. My doctor said it is usually very well tolerated and doesn't have a lot of the side effects I had before. Best of all, it isn't famous for causing bone pain like the Taxol was. There's also an 80% chance that I won't lose my hair again. With this new drug I have to have a Vitamin B12 injection every 9 weeks and take Folic Acid every day. But that's a small price to pay if it works.The treatments will still be every three weeks but will only take an hour or less, unlike the last regimen which took at least 5 hours. The doctor is confident Alimpta will be effective.

I'm sad that my remission is over but it really was expected. It's been about nine months since the tumors have shown any growth and that's about average. It seems impossible that so much time has passed since my diagnosis ~ about 11 months. Then there were those weeks spent waiting for a definitive diagnosis which seemed to go on for years. ; )

So now we start again . . . at least the tumors are much smaller than they were in the beginning so we aren't starting from scratch. The past few months were a nice break but since my main job is survival, it's time to get back to work. Hopefully, this round of chemo won't be so debilitating and I can go on living a normal life. I know I'll have the same restraints I had before, mainly staying away from large groups of people so I don't catch any bugs, and that can get a little boring . . . especially with winter just around the corner. But, I can deal with it! : )

I got a call from one of my old high school classmates yesterday announcing our upcoming reunion. 45th reunion at that!! I could hardly believe it's been that long. It was a nice conversation and I found out what some of my old cronies are doing now. Sadly, 21 members of our class have died. I won't be able to attend the reunion because of chemo, but I did order a picture and it should be interesting to see how everyone looks now that we've become senior citizens.

After a summer with almost no rain, we've entered into a mini monsoon season. We've gone from hot and humid to cool and wet. Thunder woke me up this morning which I didn't mind at all. It's such a comfy feeling to lie there all cozy under the covers and listen to the booming in the sky and the rain hitting the window. Of course, if you have to get up and go out into it, that's a different story!

With the bad weather, I think today is the perfect time to get my office organized. I've let it go for almost a year and you can imagine what a mess it is. I have so much junk to get rid of and filing to do, it makes my head ache. But maybe I'll come across something interesting that I'd forgotten about . . . you never know! At least when I'm done, I'll feel accomplished and won't have this mess hanging over my head any longer.

Well, guys, that's about all I have to tell you this time. I wish the news had been better but it could have been worse. I hope you're all doing well and having a good day.

'til next time . . . concentrate on the positive aspects of your life.

This and that . . .

2007-08-25T13:36:00.000-04:00

It's a hot, muggy day in northern Michigan and I intend to spend most of it inside with the air conditioning and a good book. Besides, it's a good excuse to loaf. I didn't sleep well last night because Chessie is having a hard time. She's having difficulty breathing which means that her red count has fallen to the critical stage. I had to lay on the floor with her to get her to lay down and that's where we spent the night. It's so sad and we had hoped to prevent this but I guess we've waited too long to make that final decision. I know all of you who have pets will understand. There's no good time to say goodbye. Today marks the 11th anniversary of the day Chess became part of our family so we've had some really good years together ~ just wish it could have been longer still.

I don't want to dwell on the sad part of life so let's talk about something a little more cheerful.

John, my son, called yesterday with good news. He's really been hating his job a lot these past few months and hasn't earned the kind of money he's accustomed to and needs. He finally found a new job which promises to be much more enjoyable and comes with a larger pay check. Best of all, he'll be working with some people he's worked with before and likes a lot. His commute will be longer but I don't think he cares about that. ; )

Jenn and her kids have a new family member ~ Oreo, a tabby cat. He's really tiny, about 7-8 weeks old and they love him. Even Oscar, their dog, seems to be happy with him. I guess Oreo and Oscar curl up together and Oscar gives him kisses. The only downside is that Oscar has a tendency to eat Oreo's food when no one is looking. However, Oreo doesn't seem to be starving since he's gotten rounder in the week he's been with them. I suggested they call him Sir Tubbs but that went over like a lead balloon with my nine year-old grandson! The kids are thrilled with their new pet and like him to sleep with them. As you can probably tell, he doesn't lack for attention.

I'm enjoying my time away from the cancer institute. It's good not to have treatments and/or blood work every week. However, I do admit I'm a little nervous about not having any anti-cancer drugs in my system. I've been on them for 10 months now and, while the tumors are considerably smaller, they aren't gone. I worry that this break will allow them to grow again. But, I can't allow that concern to take over my life so focusing on the good aspects of the situation ~ food tastes good again, my hair is growing, I have more energy, I don't have to take medication to counteract the effects of the chemo drugs, I have no bone pain and my life is much more normal. : )

It's starting to look more like fall around here. It's been so dry that leaves are already falling from the trees and the ferns are all dead. We've had some rain the last two days so the grass is greener now but you can still sense fall in the air. It doesn't seem possible that school will be starting again soon ~ it seems like the kids just got out. However, they're beginning to be bored so I guess it's time. I know a lot of mothers who are looking forward to the occasion! LOL I guess they're tired of hearing "I'm bored. There's nothing to do." So soon it will be earlier bedtimes, arguing with the kids about doing homework, and all the other things that are part of the school year.

Since fall is my favorite time of year, I welcome it. I love the brisk, invigorating air and the leaves crunching under my feet. It will be time for fires in the fireplace, sweatshirts and jeans, wood smoke in the air, soups and stews, and, best of all, walks without bugs and sweat! I can have my bedroom window open and feel the cool breezes on my face as I curl up with my favorite pillow. Yeah, I think I'm ready for all that. Fall is such a beautiful season here.

Chessie has been standing here with her head on my lap and it's getting harder and harder to type so I guess it's time for me to close for now. I need some time to spend loving her.

I hope you're all having a peaceful, happy day.

'til next time . . . appreciate every joyful moment.

Drats! I did it again . . .

2007-08-21T17:22:00.000-04:00

Sorry, guys! I had no idea it had been this long since I last wrote in here. No wonder so many people are sending me emails saying that they miss the entries! Nope, don't have a good excuse either.

I've been off chemo since the end of May ~ all except for the avastin which is not really chemo, it's an antibody that suffocates the tumors by preventing the creation of new blood vessels. My oncologist and I decided that I needed a break because I was getting so weak. It took me a while to start feeling normal again and even longer before I was able to eat like I should.

I started having physical therapy sometime in June and that's really made a tremendous difference. Instead of shaking at the least little effort, my legs are strong again and I can walk with a bounce in my step again. Trish, my physical therapist, says that I've gained back my strength and now we're working toward improving my balance and endurance. While I don't really look forward to the workouts, I feel wonderful, if tired, after they're over. ; )

I saw Dr. Mehrotra last week and she took me off the avastin too. I broke a tooth flossing ~ can you imagine! ~ and have to have it crowned. In order to do that I have to stop that drug too because of possible bleeding problems. I'm having that done next week and then, on September 1st, I'm having a CT scan and a bone scan. The results of those will determine what kind of treatment I receive then. Prayers are definitely welcome!

I've been feeling really good and have done lots of things that I hadn't been able to when receiving the chemo. Among them is cooking, shopping and eating out ~ I guess you could say I'm now part of the real world again. : )

We still enjoy watching the wildlife, especially the little fawns. They have been so cute as they run and frolic with one another. The deer come to our pond to drink (and to try and eat our trees) a couple of times a day. They nibbled off all our daisies and balloon flowers and I don't even know what happened to the black-eyed Susans ~ I never even saw them this year!

Dave got me a beautiful wooden swing for the backyard which we placed right next to the pond. It's so relaxing to sit there and enjoy the scenery and the tranquil sound of the water. It's a great place to just meditate, talk or read ~ yeah, even sleep! As you can imagine, I love spending time there.

My hair is slowly growing back. I'm not wearing hats or scarves these days because it's simply too hot. Besides, I've gotten over being self-conscious about my bald head. There is a lot of silver gray now and I'm not exactly sure what color the rest of it is ~ it's dark, that's about all I can tell. My lashes and brows are growing in too so I can wear make-up again. I'd forgotten just how long that whole thing takes and I was 10 minutes late for my last doctor's appointment! LOL Actually it was much easier before ~ every cloud has a silver lining. ; )

A week and a half ago, I had a wonderful visit with two good friends I worked with years ago. They came for the day and we had a great chance to catch up. We hadn't visited in five years ~ they live downstate near Detroit. I had so much fun; it was a truly fantastic day! Here is one of the photos taken that day:

In case you can't tell, I'm the one in the middle! LOL The other two women are Pat, on the left, and Linda R. Everyone should have such great friends!

Here's another picture that Pat took of a doe and her two fawns:

And, yes, any bare branches you see are definitely due to these scoundrels!

Chessie is hanging in there. In fact, she's better than she was when I last wrote here. I don't know how long this will last but we're enjoying our time with her. She's become my constant companion ~ following me everywhere I go. Casey isn't so sure he likes that and tries to nudge her away from me every chance he gets. So life with the dogs goes on! : )

Well, guys, I'm starting to get a little stiff from sitting here so long so I guess I should go do something a little more energetic. Thanks for sticking with me even though I've become a terrible correspondent. Thanks to all of you for the cards, gifts and phone calls ~ I'm more grateful than you could ever know.

'til next time . . . a serene mind creates a happy heart.

After a long day and a longer night . . .

2007-05-27T03:41:00.000-04:00

This is one of those bad chemo times . . . lots of bone pain and an inability to sleep. After feeling really good for three days, the bone pain struck yesterday. It's to be expected, especially with the Neulasta injection I'm getting to keep my white cells within normal range. It's kind of a trade off ~ you give up comfort for the ability to fight infection. I guess life is usually a compromise of one sort or another, isn't it? Anyway, this doesn't last forever and so it's bearable.

The thing that is much less bearable is news we received about Chessie. Those of you who were readers of my ezine know that Chessie, our chocolate lab, was diagnosed with renal failure last year. She had been doing quite well until a short time ago. Blood tests taken yesterday indicate that her disease has progressed much more rapidly than we had hoped. Armed with $300 of medicine, we're doing all we can but, at best, it will only make her more comfortable, not cure the problem.

Our vet is checking into some kind of injection that can be given at home and may help to slow further progression. However, she thinks the cost of this treatment may be prohibitive. If that's the case, we'll have a very hard decision to make . . . one neither Dave nor I want to make. Of course we want Chessie with us as long as possible, as long as she isn't suffering. It's just so hard to know when that point is reached. She was pretty miserable for the past couple of days but tonight she seemed to rebound and acted more like her usual self. I guess we'll just have to wait to talk with the vet and see how things go. But it lays heavy on our hearts.

On a more cheerful note, my youngest grandson and his friend came to visit last night. They just popped in out of nowhere and filled the house with the chatter and laughter only children can provide. It's amazing the energy two 10-year-olds can generate! It almost made me tired just watching them. They were showing me some acrobatic tricks they'd mastered and, with my bones and muscles in the misbegotten shape they are, I was pretty envious of their flexibility. On days like this I have enough trouble walking across the room . . . forget standing on my head. LOL I was also treated to their renditions of the latest songs ~ performed, of course, with lots of spirit! : )

When they're behaving, kids can make you forget all of your problems. They have such an enthusiasm for life and live every single second of it. They can easily find the humorous is any situation and their laughter comes so spontaneously. You have to laugh along with them. It was definitely a good night for John and Darius to visit because they sure helped me forget about my own problems and focus on their simple joy. Isn't it funny how, just when you don't think you can feel any lower, something happens to refresh your spirit?

Today is overcast, cool and clammy. It's the kind of day that requires a comfy throw and a good book. Fortunately I have both and I think it's time for me to find them. When I have problems with my bones, I can only sit at the computer for a short time and I think I've now reached that limit. So, I'm off to a more comfortable chair and I hope you're off to have some fun.

'til next time . . . Find the humor in your situation.

Hair today . . . Bald again tomorrow!

2007-05-23T06:04:00.000-04:00

After several months of growing short little fuzz to cover my head . . . it's all falling out again! I have to admit I'll miss it. It was nice to feel that softness on my head and it was even getting to the point where the wind blew it a little. (Never under-estimate how wonderful that can feel!) However, I knew this could happen and was prepared for it. I still have new eyebrows and lashes . . . at least for the time being, so all is not lost in the hair department.

This time it isn't all falling out in one felled swoop, just little by little. I'm not sure which is worse! LOL At least I don't have the trauma of seeing all of my locks laying in the sink or on my clothes. And, this time I won't have the problem of alien-like tufts sticking out from my otherwise bald head. (That was scary!)

I got through the last treatment pretty well and would have done even better if I hadn't had the Neulasta injection to maintain my white blood count. Oh, it worked really well and I never had a big drop. However, it did cause a whole lot of bone pain. The pain wasn't as intense as it has been in the past but it was much more disseminated ~ primarily in large bones like the femur and spine. Before my legs or arms or fingers would ache but this time it was everywhere, even in my neck. It lasted a week or ten days and then eased off. So, it could have been worse.

I also had a problem with my digestive system. There were days when I couldn't look at food without feeling icky. I had to have an ultrasound of my abdomen to check for problems but none were evident. Now I'm taking Compazine (for nausea) throughout the cycle instead of just for the first few days after treatment and that seems to have helped a lot. Even with this irritant, it sure isn't as bad as many cancer patients had to endure before they had all the new drugs to combat nausea and vomiting. My heart goes out to them. I remember how sick my dad got; it was terrible.

I'm having my second treatment in this round later this morning. That's the only one scheduled at this point. In the next few weeks I'll have another CT scan to find out how the tumors have reacted and we'll go from there. It's always a "wait and see" game.

Next week I'm having another MRI ~ this time of my spine. I've had some pain and Dr. Mehrotra is just ruling out a compressed vertebrae, a pinched nerve or a spread of the cancer. We don't think it's the later but we have to make sure. Pretty soon I think I'm going to start to glow in the dark from all of these radiological procedures! ; )

It's just beautiful . . .

Our backyard is blooming! The lilacs, dwarf crab apple tree, and my phlox are all in bloom and it's so pretty! We had the pond cleaned out and it's gurgling away, the water splashing gently over the falls. This is probably the most beautiful time of the season and I get a lot of enjoyment and inspiration from looking around at all of that beauty.

I take my lessons from nature. A few weeks ago, trees and plants looked spent and dead but now, here it is, vibrant and alive in glorious technicolor! It's just further proof that things are not always as they appear. I apply the same process to my disease. Yes, there are very bad times but if I work my way through them and don't give up hope, better times, beautiful times, bloom around the bend. No matter what hardships we're going through, if we just keep fighting we're rewarded with better days.

The hummingbirds are finally back and I love watching them. They're another example of beating the odds. It's amazing to think that such a tiny little bird is capable of making the very long trek it does every spring and fall. Those fragile, beating wings carry it thousands of miles each way and each spring the return of the hummingbird is a further illustration of what all of God's creatures can accomplish if they have the determination.

And then there are my "people" . . .

Yes, I have "people" ~ my support angels ~ and I think I'm wearing them out ~ Jenn has contracted a virus that's in the same family as mono and Dave seems to be tired all the time. I guess it's about time I started feeling better so I can take better care of them. They have been just wonderful to me and have done so much for me during the last several months ~ I don't know what I would've done without them. Sometimes I feel guilty for having to depend on them so much but I know they want to be here for me and that makes me feel better. Of course, I also get tremendous support from John and his family and my sister, Sherry, not to mention all that you guys send me. Who could be luckier?

Time to go . . .

Well, guys, it's time for me to start getting ready so I won't be late for my treatment. We have to leave a little early this morning since we're dropping my grandson, John, off at school first. He's leaving for 4th grade camp today! The kids always have a blast and I'm sure John will be no exception. Then, it's on to Seton Cancer Institute and 5 hours of chemo. Wish I was going to camp with John! : ) Since the steroids I have to take before treatment kept me awake the better part of the night, hopefully, I'll sleep through most of that treatment.

Thanks for stopping by to check up on me and I hope you'll come back. : ) Make your days happy and productive ~ yeah, watching hummingbirds does qualify as productive!

'til next time . . . keep your eyes and your heart open to the beauty around you.

The other side of the coin . . .

2007-05-04T13:26:00.000-04:00

It's a really pretty day, my lilacs are budding, the trees are beginning to sprout green buds and all is well with the world. : )

I just returned from the cancer institute where I received my first injection of Neulasta ~ this is a drug that's supposed to be very helpful in maintaining white blood counts so that cancer patients aren't so prone to infections. My blood counts have rebounded splendidly from that bout with the tough chemo and I guess my oncologist wants to make sure they stay there. I'm happy to report that I had a chemo treatment on Wednesday using my old drugs and I still feel fine ~ nothing like how I felt when I had the other. So . . . so far, so good!

More good news . . . my eyelashes and eyebrows are growing back in! I don't know how long they will last since this course of chemo may make all my hair fall out again but it's nice to have them if even just for a little while. It makes me feel a little more normal. However, I've discovered that you can get used to just about anything when it comes to the little cosmetic things. A year ago I would have cringed if someone told me I'd have a bald head and face. Now it just doesn't make all that much difference. It's what's going on inside my body that matters most. I guess vanity doesn't have a high priority when you're fighting a life-threatening illness. It kind of makes you wonder if there really is any need for such concentration on physical appearance even when you're well. Isn't it always the inner beauty that is most important?

Now that I'm feeling better, I hope I can get back to feeling like a normal person instead of a cancer patient. It's been kind of hard to do that for awhile. The goal is to forget about the cancer and get on with living your life. However, when everything reminds you that you're sick, you kind of get stuck in the rut of feeling like a victim. That isn't good at all! No matter what your problem, you can't focus on it to the exclusion of everything else or you waste so much time that could be put to far greater use. It's depressing and probably as debilitating as what's wrong in the first place.

To be honest, when I was so sick from the chemo, I began to wonder why I would fight to live that quality of life. Happily, that has passed and I'm feeling very positive again. It was the darkest time I've had since I was diagnosed and I'm so relieved that it's now over. I guess that's the real reason you must keep fighting ~ because around the bend better things are coming!

A good friend sent me the following and I'd like to share it with you:

Father John Powell, a professor at Loyola University in Chicago, writes about a student in his Theology of Faith class named Tommy:

Some twelve years ago, I stood watching my university students file into the classroom for our first session in the Theology of Faith.

That was the day I first saw Tommy. My eyes and my mind both blinked. He was combing his long flaxen hair, which hung six inches below his shoulders. It was the first time I had ever seen a boy with hair that long. I guess it was just coming into fashion then. I know in my mind that it isn't what's on your head but what's in it that counts; but on that day I was unprepared and my emotions flipped. I immediately filed Tommy under "S" for strange... Very strange.

Tommy turned out to be the "atheist in residence" in my Theology of Faith course. He constantly objected to, smirked at, or whined about the possibility of an unconditionally loving Father/God. We lived with each other in relative peace for one semester, although I admit he was for me at times a serious pain in the back pew.

When he came up at the end of the course to turn in his final exam, he asked in a cynical tone, "Do you think I'll ever find God?"

I decided instantly on a little shock therapy. "No!" I said very emphatically.

"Why not," he responded, "I thought that was the product you were pushing."

I let him get five steps from the classroom door and then called out, "Tommy! I don't think you'll ever find Him, but I am absolutely certain that He will find you!"

He shrugged a little and left my class and my life.

I felt slightly disappointed at the thought that he had missed my clever line -- He will find you! At least I thought it was clever.

Later I heard that Tommy had graduated, and I was duly grateful.

Then a sad report came. I heard that Tommy had terminal cancer. Before I could search him out, he came to see me. When he walked into my office, his body was very badly wasted and the long hair had all fallen out as a result of chemotherapy. But his eyes were bright and his voice was firm, for the first time, I believe. "Tommy, I've thought about you so often; I hear you are sick," I blurted out.

"Oh, yes, very sick. I have cancer in both lungs. It's a matter of weeks."

"Can you talk about it, Tom?" I asked.

"Sure, what would you like to know?" he replied

"What's it like to be only twenty-four and dying?"

"Well, it could be worse."

"Like what?"

"Well, like being fifty and having no values or ideals, like being fifty and thinking that booze, seducing women, and making money are the real biggies in life.."

I began to look through my mental file cabinet under "S" where I had filed Tommy as strange. (It seems as though everybody I try to reject by classification, God sends back into my life to educate me.)

"But what I really came to see you about," Tom said, "is something you said to me on the last day of class." (He remembered!) He continued, "I asked you if you thought I would ever find God and you said, 'No!' which surprised me. Then you said, 'But He will find you.' I thought about that a lot, even though my search for God was hardly intense at that time.

(My clever line. He thought about that a lot!)

"But when the doctors removed a lump from my groin and told me that it was malignant, that's when I got serious about locating God.. And when the malignancy spread into my vital organs, I really began banging bloody fists against the bronze doors of heaven. But God did not come out. In fact, nothing happened. Did you ever try anything for a long time with great effort and with no success? You get psychologically glutted, fed up with trying. And then you quit."

"Well, one day I woke up, and instead of throwing a few more futile appeals over that high brick wall to a God who may be or may not be there, I just quit. I decided that I didn't really care about God, about an after life, or anything like that. I decided to spend what time I had left doing something more profitable. I thought about you and your class and I remembered something else you had said: 'The essential sadness is to go through life without loving. But it would be almost equally sad to go through life and leave this world without ever telling those you loved that you had loved them'."

"So, I began with the hardest one, my Dad. He was reading the newspaper when I approached him. "Dad."

"Yes, what?" he asked without lowering the newspaper.

"Dad, I would like to talk with you."

"Well, talk."

"I mean . It's really important."

The newspaper came down three slow inches. "What is it?"

"Dad, I love you, I just wanted you to know that." Tom smiled at me and said it with obvious satisfaction, as though he felt a warm and secret joy flowing inside of him.

"The newspaper fluttered to the floor. Then my father did two things I could never remember him ever doing before. He cried and he hugged me. We talked all night, even though he had to go to work the next morning. It felt so good to be close to my father, to see his tears, to feel his hug, to hear him say that he loved me."

"It was easier with my mother and little brother. They cried with me, too, and we hugged each other, and started saying real nice things to each other. We shared the things we had been keeping secret for so many years."

"I was only sorry about one thing --- that I had waited so long. Here I was, just beginning to open up to all the people I had actually been close to."

"Then, one day I turned around and God was there. He didn't come to me when I pleaded with Him. I guess I was like an animal trainer holding out a hoop, 'C'mon, jump through. C'mon, I'll give you three days, three weeks.'"

"Apparently God does things in His own way and at His own hour. But the important thing is that He was there. He found me! You were right. He found me even after I stopped looking for Him."
"Tommy," I practically gasped, "I think you are saying something very important and much more universal than you realize. To me, at least, you are saying that the surest way to find God is not to make Him a private possession, a problem solver, or an instant consolation in time of need, but rather by opening to love. You know, the Apostle John said that. He said: 'God is love, and anyone who lives in love is living with God and God is living in him.' Tom, could I ask you a favor? You know, when I had you in class you were a real pain. But (laughingly) you can make it all up to me now. Would you come into my present Theology of Faith course and tell them what you have just told me? If I told them the same thing i . . ."

"Oooh.. I was ready for you, but I don't know if I'm ready for your class."

"Tom, think about it. If and when you are ready, give me a call."

In a few days Tom called, said he was ready for the class, that he wanted to do that for God and for me. So we scheduled a date.

However, he never made it. He had another appointment, far more important than the one with me and my class. Of course, his life was not really ended by his death, only changed. He made the great step from faith into vision. He found a life far more beautiful than the eye of man has ever seen or the ear of man has ever heard or the mind of man has ever imagined.

Before he died, we talked one last time.

"I'm not going to make it to your class," he said.

"I know, Tom."

"Will you tell them for me? Will you ... tell the whole world for me?"

"I will, Tom. I'll tell them. I'll do my best."

So, to all of you who have been kind enough to read this simple story about God's love, thank you for listening. And to you, Tommy, somewhere in the sunlit, verdant hills of heaven --- I told them, Tommy, as best I could.

This is a true story and is not enhanced for publicity purposes.
With thanks,
Rev. John Powell, Professor, Loyola University, Chicago

Thanks for reading, and . . .

Until next time . . . Let that love out, for yourself and others.

Sunday morning rambling . . .

2007-04-29T07:48:00.000-04:00

Spring continues to gain ground here in Northern Lower Michigan. The lilac bushes are budding, daffodils are blooming and the temperatures are slowly climbing. I think our friendly (and greedy) deer ate all of the tulips since they haven't shown their little heads ~ our woodland pals seem to consider them delectable treats. Dave put the hummingbird feeders out yesterday in preparation for their arrival. He placed one right in the front window where I can watch them from my favorite chair.

It's early Sunday morning and I'm already tired because I didn't sleep well last night . . . again! This seems to be a problem that none of my doctors have been able to do much about. They've tried various sleeping pills and tranquilizers but nothing works well. I guess it's a good thing that I can nap when I need to. But, it is frustrating to wake up several times each night and not be able to fall back to sleep right away. Sometimes I get up and read or play computer games. Sometimes I force myself to just lay there and hope for sleep. Last night there was a full moon (at least it looked pretty full) so at least there was something pretty to look at. : )

I admit I'm very heavy-hearted today because my friend, Debbie, died yesterday morning. She fought a very spirited battle against colon cancer for five years but, in the end, that insidious disease won out. Everyone who knew Debbie thought that if anyone could beat it, she could. So her death leaves me sad, discouraged and a bit depressed. Not only have I lost a friend but I've again seen how powerful cancer is. Debbie had a very positive attitude, was very strong in her faith, lived her life fully during those five years and fought gallantly . . . but it proved not to be enough. My heart goes out to her husband, John, and the rest of her family. Like them, I'll miss her.

On another, more positive note, I had some good news Thursday when I had my lab work. My platelets have rebounded higher than they've been since I started chemo. My white count and hemoglobin are still low but I'm sure they're in the process of rebuilding. By the time I have my treatment on Wednesday, they'll probably be up where they're supposed to be. Just in time for the drugs to knock them down again. LOL However, my oncologist has ordered a Neulasta injection after every treatment now. That will force my bone marrow to build new white cells. That should help a lot and maybe I won't be as tired as I've been.

For someone who hates taking medication of any kind, including simple things like Tylenol, this is quite a change. If you could see all the bottles of pills, liquids and other assorted meds that fill my cupboard, you'd be amazed! And, with the exception of two tablets, they all treat the side effects of one chemo drug or another. It blows my mind! I never imagined I would be taking so many drugs! I know there are people who aren't cancer patients and take more medication than I do but it's hard to believe sometimes! On the days immediately following my treatments, I actually have to write down which med to take when because it gets so confusing. Take this one every 6 hours and this one twice a day and that one 4 times a day. The schedule gets very complicated ~ it's too much for my addled brain! ; ) Thank heaven it's only for a few days!

I've been having a small glass of wine every night. It helps to make food taste better and is also relaxing. I'm not one who is big on alcohol and haven't had more than four or five alcoholic beverages in the past thirty years. So having the wine every night is quite a switch for me. Dave kids me that I'm becoming a wino but I don't think there's much chance of that happening since 5 ounces is my daily limit. But who knows? One day I may really splurge and have 6 ounces!! : )

My granddaughter, Steph, was here the other day. She's the one who told me I looked "weird" with no hair. Six months ago Steph had beautiful sun-streaked light hair, cut in a simple style. Now she has black hair cut in something I can't even describe! Talk about weird! I don't know what gets into teenage girls that they think they have to alter their appearance so drastically. I remember when I was 14 or 15, I talked my mother into letting me bleach my bangs. My friend and I peroxided our bangs and thought we were really daring! Of course, that was in the late 50's which now seems like prehistoric times!

Well guys, I'm getting a little droopy and it's time for a nap. I'm gonna go and wrap up in my afghan, get settled in my comfy recliner and dream happy dreams.

I hope the sun is shining where you are, that you take some time to enjoy life, and that you all have a wonderful day.

Until next time . . . Treat each hour as a treasured gift and the rest will take care of itself.

Better days are coming . . .

2007-04-21T12:37:00.000-04:00

It's a beautiful spring day . . . finally. Unfortunately, I'm not able to take full advantage of it. The new course of chemo and I do NOT seem to agree with each other. My blood counts are ALL low, leaving me feeling very weak and tired. It's an effort to walk across the room so going for a nature walk is out of the question right now. Darn! That's why I haven't been posting.

However, "this too shall pass". I saw my oncologist on Wednesday and we decided to forget about these drugs for now. Since I did so well on the first protocol, we're going back to that. I would rather have bone pain for a few days than be so debilitated. So, after a rest from all chemo ~ about another two weeks ~ it will be back to Carboplatin and Taxol.

I don't like what these new drugs have done to me at all. I get short of breath when I do anything and that's a very scary feeling. I was afraid it was due to the tumors but Dr. Mehrotra says it's because of my blood counts being so low. No matter the cause, I don't like feeling this way and having to live like an invalid.

My hair is continuing to come in and my granddaughter, Steph, says I look like a "fuzzy bear". LOL I guess that's better than resembling an alien! The chemo may very well cause it to fall out again but that's still better than being so weak you can hardly breathe if you walk 10 feet.

All of this has caused me to realize how much we take for granted when we're well. I never thought to thank God for being able to walk from one part of house to the other without becoming winded or for getting up from a chair without getting lightheaded.

Ann Stewart sent me this quote in an email today:

"If you don't feel grateful for what you have, what makes you think you'll be happy with more?"
- Unknown Source

It came at the perfect time for me. I've always tried to be grateful for what I have but sometimes we just don't realize ALL that we have until we have to do without it for awhile. This past week has certainly served as a wake-up call for me. If you think about your life, I think you'll find a whole lot you take for granted every day. Don't!

For most of this week, I've done nothing but vegetate so you can imagine how many times Jenn has called me an RPIA!! LOL I'm just grateful that she and Dave have so much patience and don't resent waiting on me. I don't know what I would've done without their help. It just goes to show that no matter how independent we think we are, there are times when we all need other people to help us get through a particular situation. I am so thankful for my people.

So . . .

Even though I can't go out and take a walk, I can sit on the deck and delight in the warm breezes. I can rejoice in the fact that the sky is a clear blue without any sign of snow! LOL I can enjoy having windows open and airing winter from the house. I can listen to the birds singing and watch the deer drinking from our pond (and occasionally taking a nip from our shrubs). I can watch Casey jump into the pond for a quick swim and then feel the water spray all over me as he shakes himself dry.

Yup, there are lots of things to be grateful for . . .

Including all of you who read this blog, send me cards and emails, call me, and make me feel so special. Thanks for caring.

That's about it for today . . . I need to rest now.

Until next time . . . Look for your blessings.

A beautiful Sunday . . .

2007-04-15T10:46:00.000-04:00

Sorry about yesterday, guys . . . it was one of my bad days. I didn't sleep well the night before and woke up very tired. Then I had to go and have an MRI because of some balance problems I experienced a few weeks ago. By the time I got home from the hospital, I was exhausted.

If any of you ever have to have an MRI, don't be afraid. It really isn't all that bad. I'm a bit claustrophobic but the MRI tube doesn't bother me. The first time I had one I took a mild tranquilizer just in case but this time I didn't . . . still no problems. The worst thing about the MRI is the noise the machine makes. It's so loud they give you earplugs to safeguard your hearing. It sounds kind of like a sadistic dentist going crazy with a drill. : ) The only other thing is that it's a little uncomfortable to remain in the same position for the entire test. However, if you move, you have to start all over again. The easiest thing is to just close your eyes and take yourself to someplace relaxing ~ that way the time passes much more quickly. They give you a little emergency button to use if you get scared or become uncomfortable about anything at all. If you push it, they take you out immediately.
I had heard all kinds of horror tales about MRI's before I had my first one and I was prepared for the worst . . . that never came. Believe me, I'm not the most courageous person when it comes to medical tests and if I can get through it with no trouble, you can too.

Now, today is another day. Most of the snow is finally melting. It's only visible now under trees and other places where the sun can't reach it. Some of the snow banks created from plowing are still there but they won't last long if the sun continues shining. The sky is clear and a beautiful blue. I can see squirrels scampering around and the birds are singing ~ a sure sign that real spring is not far away. It's still a little brisk but I think we're supposed to have warmer temperatures this coming week. That will be a real gift!

Before I forget, I want to ask you guys for your help. Debbie Relias is an old friend of mine. We worked together for several years and have kept in touch since. Debbie has been fighting colon cancer for the past five years and has remained amazingly strong and positive throughout surgeries, chemo treatments, and all the other stuff that comes with cancer. She suffered a set back a couple of weeks ago and things aren't going well right now. She lives near Ft. Myers, Florida and I know she and her husband, John, would appreciate all of your prayers. Debbie is a wonderful woman and if you could please add her to your list, I know it will help a lot. Thanks. : )

I know this is short but sometimes it really hurts my back to sit at the computer and this is one of those times. So, I'm going to close for now and go get comfy in my recliner chair. Maybe I'll read a book and just relax for awhile. I hope all of you can find time today to spend a few minutes doing something you enjoy too.

'til next time . . . Treat yourselves well.

Back once more . . .

2007-04-13T07:52:00.000-04:00

See, I told you I'd be back today but I bet you didn't believe me. I can't blame you for that ~ I haven't been too reliable . . . but, I'm really going to try hard to change that bad habit.

Today, I want to talk a little about some decisions I've made concerning my business. I've decided to give up copywriting. It's simply too taxing now and I don't want to devote that much time and energy to it. Even more importantly, I've decided that writing for Internet marketing is not the kind of writing I want to do. In a short time, I will be removing my Stress-Free Copy site from the net. That means that All the Write Stuff will come down too. At the present time, I don't want to commit to a regular ezine. I never know how I'm going to feel and I don't want the pressure of having to meet a schedule. Publishing in any other way is simply not fair to subscribers. So, even though I'll miss the ezine a lot ~ it was fun to do ~ it's out of the picture for the time being. That's not to say that I might not return later with another ezine with a little different content.

Because the Stress-Free Copy Site is coming down, that domain email will no longer exist. I've already notified many of you about the new address. If you haven't received that information and want to know where you can reach me, other than at this blog, please email me within the next week and I'll give it to you. I don't want to list it here because I'd like the new address to be as free from spam as I can make it. I've found that spammers even use blogs to get their word out so I'm not going to make it easy for them. ; ) I'm sorry for the inconvenience but I'm tired of searching through several hundred pieces of junk mail to reach the messages I want to read. I'm sure you can identify with that. : )

Continuing along a different vein . . .

I don't know about where you guys are but the winter here has been terribly long! Here it is April 13th and we still have snow on the ground with more in the forecast. I can't say that I haven't enjoyed most of it but, c'mon, enough is enough. Just when it seemed that spring had arrived and the flowers started poking up their happy little heads, we were hit with several snowstorm. It's been very disheartening! Even for someone like me who enjoys the beauty of winter, it's gotten just a bit old.

Jenn and I had started walking and had to call a halt to that because of the cold temperatures, wind and ice. I haven't gotten much exercise all winter and my muscles are getting very weak and stiff. I need to get out and move! Who knows, walking may even help with this excess of fat I'm currently plagued with. I can't walk too fast but anything has to be better than nothing. Besides, I've missed being out there in the fresh air with all of nature's wonders only a touch away. So, I'm hoping this is winter's last hurrah and that spring will finally come for real.

Getting outside is even more important for me right now because, due to my low blood counts, I'm forbidden to go anywhere there are lots of people. That pretty much includes stores, restaurants, movies and any other thing you can think of. About the only place I go is to the Cancer Institute for my weekly regimen, tests, or doctor appointments. It gets kind of boring to say the least. While I'm basically a homebody, this has been a bit extreme. LOL However, I have now seen almost all of the Law and Order shows I missed the first time around, as well as the ER reruns from back when all the good people were still on. Now I'm waiting for the West Wing reruns! The only thing daytime TV is good for is reruns. ; )

Jenn is knitting baby afghans and blankets to sell and I've been helping her out with that. I think I've knitted about 6 or 7 so far. I have to do the easy ones though because my "chemo brain" tends to get confused if the pattern is too complicated. Of all the side effects of chemo, I think that bothers me the most. I try hard to keep exercising my brain so that I don't become a worse dullard than I already have. I play a lot of word games and that kind of thing to keep my brain functioning on something other than TV reruns. LOL My medical people tell me that this symptom goes away after you've been off chemo for a while but I don't know how long that is and it seems that chemo is going to be a pretty large part of my life from here on.

Unless one of the new technologies turns out to be a cure, there is none for me. As my oncologist tells me, we hope for remissions but, eventually, the tumors will come back. She says we just have to keep chasing them with whatever means we have. That's why cancer is no longer considered so much a terminal disease as a chronic disease. But new things are being discovered all the time and so we just have to keep hoping. I read things all the time that sound very promising so I don't have a fatalistic attitude about my disease. As I've said all along, "it is what it is and we just have to deal with it". There are worse things!

I've had a few bad moments but I have to say that I've kept them at a minimum. Mostly they come when I allow myself to get frustrated by the little things. I have to keep telling myself, like I tell everyone else . . . "don't sweat the small stuff and everything is small stuff". I heard that in some movie and have adapted it to my own life. It really makes sense when you think about it. Think back to things that were happening in your life a few years ago, things that had you all tied in knots. How much do those things matter today? If you're still fighting the same battles, it's probably time to get help managing the issues. But most of the time, what seemed so important three years ago isn't very important at all today. So, in the grand scheme of things, and in retrospect, it was just small stuff even though it seemed gigantic then.

Jenn is here so I'll have to continue this tomorrow. I have to go and play my role as RPIA. LOL LOL

Until tomorrow . . . Don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff.

Here I am ~ finally . . .

2007-04-12T17:59:00.000-04:00

Once again I must apologize to you, my wonderful friends, for my long absence! I have no excuse for not posting, I haven't been too sick, haven't been traveling without access to my computer, haven't been too busy, and, most definitely haven't forgotten about all of you!

I have been reading, knitting, spending time with my family, watching winter turn into spring and back to winter again, watching deer drink from our pond, listening to the birds sing when the days are good, ending the first course of chemo treatment and starting the second. And, I have been delighting in doing things that make my daughter, Jenn, laughingly call me a RPIA (for those of you who are uninitiated, that means Royal Pain In the A - - !) LOL

Let's get the medical stuff out of the way first. Last month I finished the first chemo protocol. I then had CT scans of the thorax (chest), head, abdomen and pelvis. The scan showed that the tumors have continued to shrink. Hooray! There are no new tumors! For a couple of weeks I just received one drug, Avastin, which is not technically a chemo drug although it is administered the same way. It's a targeted antibody which zeroes in on the tumors and cuts them off from healthy tissue, thereby cutting off their blood supply and, hopefully, killing them.

Last week I started the second protocol of drugs and am now receiving Navelbene and Gemzar once a week for two weeks and then a week off. These drugs are supposed to have fewer side effects and, therefore, not affect the quality of my life so adversely. That will still have to be proven to me. LOL They don't cause the awful bone pain I had with the first course but they do make me very tired and weak because they reduce the number of white cells and platelets. Today I only received 75% of the normal treatment because my platelets were so low. Hopefully, those will have time to rebound in time for my treatment on April 26th.

Dr. Mehrotra, my oncologist, gave me a choice of taking a little vacation from chemo or continuing on. I decided to keep going because the tumors are continuing to shrink and I didn't want to give them a chance to gain a stronghold again. The vacation would have been nice but I need to look at the "big picture".

My hair is growing back but one of the drugs I just started may cause it to fall out again. However, for the time being I have visible hair that seems about the color of what fell out originally. It feels so good to run my hand across my head and feel actual hair. It seems to grow longer and thicker every day. At first it was just little baby fuzz but now it's becoming quite noticeable.

I've had a few ailments as a result of the chemo drugs but nothing that hasn't been manageable. I did have two bouts with hives which no one can explain. I did some research and found that most hives come about for no detectable reason. Contrary to popular opinion, they are not necessarily an allergic reaction to something. I was quite surprised to learn that.

I've gained 14 pounds since my diagnosis and, if you remember, I wasn't pleased with my weight back then! So, you can imagine how I feel about it now. I now know how it feels to be a beached whale! One day when my stomach was especially large, I told Dave that I looked like the old, fat Elvis. That isn't a goal I to which I ever particularly aspired! My medical team keeps blaming the steroids I take with my treatments but that doesn't change the fact that I'm rotund! If I had a choice between being fat and being bald . . . I would definitely choose being bald. Being plagued with both of them is just way unfair!!

The only good thing about the extra weight is that the fat has filled in all the wrinkles on my face. At my last appointment, Dr. Mehrotra said something about me being in my 40's. I laughed thinking she was kidding. Actually, she was quite sincere and insisted upon checking my medical record before she believed I was 62. Wonder what will happen if the fat cells go away? Will my face fall into rows of wrinkles? That isn't a pretty picture. ; )

I don't know if I told you that I finally lost my eyebrows and eyelashes. Let me tell you that lashless eyes are very prone to getting foreign objects in them! I've been amazed at what a drastic difference in makes. So . . . don't take those eyelashes for granted! Of course, it doesn't take me long at all to get ready to go somewhere these days. Since I don't have to worry about makeup or doing my hair, I'm ready in a flash! I never have a bad hair day or, maybe, they're all bad hair days. LOL

One day I tried drawing eyebrows on and that was a total disaster. I did it with an eyebrow pencil and, not only couldn't I get them even, whenever I touched my forehead with my fingers, the pencil smeared. I was quite a sight and decided to go without brows from then on. It only adds to the alien persona I'm trying to perfect! : )

Well guys, I'm getting a little tired so the rest of our catch-up will have to wait until tomorrow. It's time for me to take a nap but I still have lots to tell you.

In the meantime, thanks for your calls, cards, emails and, especially your warm, healing thoughts and your prayers. You make my life especially full!

Until then . . . Count your blessings.

Warm Thoughts on a Wintry Morning . . .

2007-01-14T07:40:00.000-05:00

I'm up bright and early this morning so I thought I'd spend this time with you guys. The weather has turned ugly; it's quite frigid outside and we're expecting ice and snow. We cozied up in front of the fire last night so that was warm and nice. There are definite advantages to wintry weather! Snow is always nice to look at from the inside but I had hoped to get back to trekking with the dogs and it looks as though that won't be happening for awhile since I'm a klutz on ice! I especially don't want to break anything now!

I received my fourth treatment on Thursday and it went well. Even the bone pain is at a minimal. Of course, as soon as I say that, it will probably rear it's ugly head and let me know the power it can wield! That's okay, I can take it! It's a minor inconvenience as long as I know the chemo is doing it's job.

The worst thing about being sick is not being able to do the things I would normally be able to do. Sometimes that gets a little disheartening but then I have to stop and think about some of the other chemo patients who are confined to wheel chairs, oxygen tanks and the like. I have no right to complain in light of all they go through just to make it through the day. I am blessed and I hope never to forget that.

You might think that it's pretty dismal in the chemo room but it isn't. There's a lot of chatter and laughter among the patients and the nursing staff. Conversation doesn't all center on illness either but, instead, on a myriad of other topics. Our two nurses, Mary Ann and Chris, are very personable and warm and do everything they can to make chemo a pleasant experience for us.

The room itself is like a sunroom ~ it's very bright and homey. We each have a recliner chair with a TV and pillows and afghans to make us comfortable. Our visitors have chairs right beside us. We can talk, watch TV, read, sleep, eat, work on crafts . . . anything we feel like doing. People are always bringing in goodies for us to munch on . . . brownies, cookies, cake, candy, muffins, fruit bars, trail mix, you name it . . . maybe that has something to do with my weight gain. ; ) Plus there are cupboards filled with instant soups, crackers, chips, etc. We also have coffee, hot chocolate, soda, fruit juices and supplementary drinks.

There is a patio right off the room that we can use when the weather is warm. It's very nice and anyone who wants to haul their IV pump out there and get some fresh air and sun is welcome to do so.

You can see it isn't a bad place to go at all. Before I went I thought it would be all sterile and medical looking but it isn't. That was a very pleasant surprise. It's a welcoming place to spend five hours. Maybe not exactly like home, but they make every attempt to create the same kind of happy and relaxing atmosphere.

The sun is up now (well, it's light out) and so is Dave so I guess it's time to start the day. I hope all of you have a wonderful day and that your week starts out great tomorrow. Know that I'm always thinking about you guys and am forever grateful for the support you give me.

Until next time . . . share your laughter.

Just a Bunch of Rambling Thoughts . . .

2007-01-10T12:34:00.000-05:00

The sun is shining today and we have snow on the ground for the first time in quite awhile ~ too bad it didn't come in time for Christmas. But my day would be bright anyway because of the test results we got yesterday. I admit that I was very nervous about that. I would have been awfully disappointed and disheartened had there been no improvement in my CT scan. Now I know the chemo is working and that makes all the difference. I'd hate to think that I lost my hair and have put up with the other side effects for nothing. ; ) But, more importantly, I know now that I am making some headway in my battle. If there had been no change or if the tumors had grown that wouldn't bode well for my future.

I haven't told you guys about the other battle I'm waging and losing . . . my weight! Who would ever think that a patient with lung cancer and on chemotherapy would be getting heavier! When I picture someone in that position, I imagine a skinny person. But lo and behold . . . I'm not! My doctors are pleased that I'm gaining weight but I'm certainly not! I sure wouldn't want to look emaciated but neither do I want to turn into a blimp! My oncologist said the weight gain is due to the steroids I'm taking ~ not only do they increase your appetite but they cause you to retain fluid. So, I guess I just have to put up with it until the chemo is over. : ( They tell me, in this case, weighing more is a good thing. (This comes from a doctor who has a perfect, slim body!)

I have to admit that chocolate may be playing a small role in this . . . since they told me that I can have sugar, I've celebrated by eating Mounds bars, Almond Joy bars, Snickers bars, Belgian chocolate and chocolate shakes. To one who hasn't eaten these in at least 25 years, they taste especially wonderful! However, I've told Dave not to buy me any more of them . . . I have to find another, less caloric way of pampering myself. But hey! Dark chocolate, coconut, almonds, and peanuts are supposed to be good for you! : ) (Isn't that called rationalization?)

I just bought some hats and scarves so that I can be stylishly bald. They are so much more comfortable than wigs. They are all cotton and don't make my scalp itch or create red bumps all over my head. That's quite a relief! The wig gets really hot and makes me uncomfortable so this is a pleasant change. Besides, I feel so fake in the wig - it may look natural but it sure doesn't feel that way. I'm always afraid it's going to move or something and make me look stupid. No one wants to wear a cockeyed wig! LOL

I've been reading a lot, especially during my tired times. It's so nice not to have to feel guilty about indulging in one of my favorite activities. The only schedule I have to worry about is that for my treatments and blood tests. I don't have to worry about marketing and project deadlines and I have to admit I'm enjoying that freedom. At this point, I don't know if I will ever get back to my copywriting business. This experience has changed me and my priorities a great deal. Somehow Internet marketing just doesn't hold the appeal it once did. I haven't made any definite decisions but I'm leaning toward just enjoying my life instead of working so hard. I'll let you know more about this when I'm sure what I want to do.

Well guys, that's about it for today. My book is beckoning me and I don't think a nap is too far off either. ; )

Until next time . . . It's your life, live it the way you want to.

It's Short But it's Sweet . . .

2007-01-09T17:20:00.000-05:00

Hi Guys! I have wonderful news for you today!

My oncologist informed me today that the tumors in my lung have shrunk considerably! And what's even better . . . there is now no lymph node involvement. I'm sure you can imagine how relieved I am. It's so wonderful to find out that the chemo is working and that I haven't been going through all this for nothing.

We're going to continue on with the same drugs for another three treatments and then re-evaluate at that time. Hopefully, there will be even more improvement then!

I have lots of phone calls to make so I'm sure you'll understand if this is a little short today. I promise to be back with you within the next few days.

I want to thank all of you for being there, for all your positive thoughts and prayers, and for caring. All of those things have made a tremendous difference and I appreciate you guys more than you will ever know. If I didn't have so many "earth angels", I'm sure things would be much different. Thank you so much!

Until next time . . . Always keep hope alive in your heart.

On the First Day of 2007 . . .

2007-01-01T07:48:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year to you all!

The start of the New Year always brings with it new goals, new hopes and an optimism that we won't make the same mistakes we made during the previous year. We have a fresh, clean slate on which to write wonderful new accomplishments and adventures. Most of us make lofty resolutions that we're going to lose weight, exercise more, stop smoking, work harder, or improve in some area of our lives. Unfortunately, we usually bite off more than we can chew and, by February, most of our good intentions have fallen by the wayside.

This is the perfect time to take a long hard look at our priorities and decide what is most important to us. Are we satisfied with the lives we've created? What kind of life do we really want? What kind of changes to we have to make to find greater satisfaction and fulfillment?

Do you think my priorities have changed since January 1, 2006? You bet they have! The challenges I faced a year ago are nothing compared to those I'm confronting now. Reading over the goals I set for myself last year at this time, I find them trivial, even shallow. I now see that most of them had nothing to do with making my life better or happier. Most of them were about increasing numbers . . . not about finding true satisfaction in the way I lived my life. The only exception to that was a self-improvement course I took and stuck with until I got sick.

The only numbers that are important to me today are the hours I spend with people I love, the quantity of laughter that fills my day, and my latest blood counts. Most of the things I considered to be important last year are totally insignificant today. At the top of my priority list this year are relationships . . . God, my family, my friends, my medical team. I no longer worry about how much I weigh or how many clients I have. Instead of pushing myself to meet a publication schedule, my frame of reference revolves around my next chemo treatment. Instead of putting in 16 hour days, I rest when my body tells me to ~ which can be quite often. ; )

And you want to know something amazing? I find myself much happier than I was a year ago. Yes, I'm battling a horrific disease and we don't know what the outcome of that will be. Sometimes I'm afraid. I have toxic chemicals running loose in my body that frequently cause pain and mental confusion. But, no life is without its potholes. The important thing is that I'm nestled in a cocoon of love and caring. That brings contentment and joy I can't even begin to express. My life is filled with much, much more peace than fear, a lot more sunshine than rain, and a serenity that is many times stronger than the occasional bout of anxiety.

Some of you comment that I'm very strong, but, I'm only as strong as my support group. I've been blessed with people who care about me and who cheer me on in fighting this disease. That's the greatest gift of all. The love and concern I receive every day is enough to humble even the most arrogant of people. My heart overflows with gratitude.

So, yes, I have cancer but . . . its given me the opportunity to slow down and really appreciate those who are in my life, bask in their love and find joy in every single day. Of course, I would have rather learned this lesson another way but, we have to play the hand we're dealt.

I want to thank all of you who make my days so special with your emails, cards, gifts, phone calls, comments in this blog and all the other 101 things you do to show you care. I couldn't fight this fight without you. I hope that each of you is given back even a fraction of the kindness you show to me ~ that alone would be enough to change your life.

In 2007, I hope you experience joy and satisfaction, good health and peace.

Until next time . . . Create the life you want.

Happy Birthday, John!

2006-12-22T09:52:00.000-05:00

I just have to start this entry with happiest birthday wishes for my son, John. It doesn't seem like that long ago he arrived in the midst of a very large snow and ice storm. I remember that day so clearly even though it's now been 36 years! I look at him, at 6' tall, and wonder how in the world he got from that 7 pound infant to this big man! I suppose most mothers feel the same way when they look at their grown sons.

I told John that even though I had my doubts sometimes along the way ; ) I'm very proud of the man he's become . . . and I am! I couldn't ask for a better son. That's why I hope this birthday is the start of an exceptionally good year that brings him and his family everything they need and treasure most. I hope it's a year filled with love, laughter and peace. Those are my wishes for you, John. And I thank you for all you give to me! I love you!

The halfway mark . . .

I had my third chemo treatment yesterday which marks the midpoint of this course. It went well and I feel fine except for being a bit tired. My face is quite flushed but it just gives me a rosy glow. : ) Soon, we'll see if the reduction in the Taxol lessens the bone pain a little. It would be nice not to hobble around like a 90 year-old woman. LOL

As I told you, I'm having a CT scan on Tuesday to find out what affect the chemo has had on the tumors. As I'm sure you can imagine, I'm hoping it's been very effective! I admit I'll be very disappointed if there is little or no change. I'd really appreciate all of your prayers for this momentous occasion! : )

The price of wellness . . .

We got our first billing from Hematology and Oncology and were shocked to find that one of the drugs I'm taking costs $12,600 for just 10 mg. Can you imagine? So far I've had it three times to the tune of almost $38,000! It's no wonder the drug companies are doing so well while doctors and hospitals struggle. It also helps to explain why insurance costs keep rising. I'm not going to say this drug isn't worth it, it's too early to tell. If it helps save my life, I'm sure I'll think it is. However, what do people do who don't have health insurance? Does it mean that they can't have the benefit of this drug? If so, that's just not right. It seems like there are just too many inequities in this world.

I was touched . . .

I had an appointment with my Family Nurse Practitioner, Connie, on Wednesday. Connie has been wonderfully supportive during this time but she still managed to surprise me. She gave me some fuzzy, soft and warm slipper socks, a set of lotions and a Christmas candle! She said she wanted to give me something I could pamper myself with. I was overwhelmed by her kindness. There are just so many wonderful people out there. I know I say that a lot but it's so true!

No snow for Christmas . . .

It's beginning to look like we won't have a white Christmas up here in the northland this year. Right now it's raining and and the temps are in the 30's and 40's. According to the weather forecasters, there isn't much chance for snow in the immediate future. I guess that's good for travelers but I have to admit that I'll miss it on Christmas Day. It's been quite some time since we've not had snow for
the holiday. However, despite the weather, there is still magic in the season and that's what I'm going to be focusing on. I hope you are too. All the Christmas lights, carols and the feeling of love and goodwill more than make up for a lack of snow. The important thing isn't all the baubles and wrappings . . . it's God's gift to us ~ Jesus.

I hope all of you are having a beautiful Christmas season and that between shopping, wrapping, parties,etc., you have time to relax and enjoy the warmth and the spirit of Christmas, loving time with your families and all the other things that make this such a special time of the year.

Until next time . . . Wrap yourself in love.

Life is Good . . .

2006-12-18T12:18:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't made an entry in so long, guys. There's nothing wrong ~ I'm doing fine ~ I've just been involved in some things that have kept me away from the computer. I'm knitting on a Christmas project and reading a great book, Dave and I have been spending more time together and my family is keeping me busy with all of their great ministrations. : )

A week and a half ago, I did all my Christmas shopping online. Since I'm not supposed to be in crowds of people, this was a Godsend. I found everything I needed and most at reduced prices. Best of all, I got it all done in a couple of hours. I kinda miss the hustle and bustle of the stores but I know that I'd be tired of that in about an hour anyway. LOL

I've never had to be so conscious of germs in my life! It's kind of maddening! I can't pet my dogs without using hand sanitizer afterward! It tends to make you very paranoid of everything. My oncologist told me to stay away from kids which is hard to do with Christmas coming and three grandchildren in the area. However, when I told her their ages, she said they aren't as germy as the little ones. I'm just hoping none of them get sick before Christmas!

Speaking of my oncologist, I had an appointment with her last week. She said that my body is recovering well from the chemo treatments and that she's very pleased. She asked about the side effects I'm having and I told her the only significant one is the bone pain. She said she's going to reduce the dosage of one of the drugs. I wasn't sure I wanted that and told her I would rather experience the bone pain than have the chemo work less effectively. She said it would be fine at a lower dosage and that she had been "pushing the envelope" a little with the present dosage. We'll see how it goes now.

After my treatment on Thursday, they will be scheduling a CT scan to see what effect the chemo has had so far on the tumors. Hopefully, the scan will show that the tumors have gotten smaller. I need all of your prayers and positive thoughts. I know I'm going to sitting on pins and needles waiting for the results. ; ) It's hard to believe that I'll be halfway through this course of chemo after this treatment ~ the time has passed so quickly!

It's so funny ~ the little bit of hair I have left on my head is growing! Can you believe that?? In fact, it's about time for a haircut! LOL The steroid cream has cleared up the red blotches and the itching on my scalp so I'm about ready to try hats and my wig again. When I've gone out recently, I've just worn a baseball cap and that isn't any too warm for this climate. But, hopefully, my little alien head has toughened up some and will be able to tolerate a little more covering.

I've been having trouble with insomnia but my doctor finally found some sleep medication that helps. Now I'm not up half the night! That's really a relief. Plus, my mom gave me a feather bed to put on top of my mattress and it's soooo comfy! It feels wonderful to crawl in bed at night with all the softness around me. I feel like a princess! I'm sure that's helped me sleep better too.

Even though I haven't been able to attend mass, Edith, who is an Eucharistic Minister in our parish, comes every Friday to give me communion. She has a beautiful way of presenting the sacrament and it's very inspirational. So my spiritual needs are being well taken care of. I look forward to Edith's visit each week. It's a time for reflection and renewal ~ I know it gives me greater strength and peace of mind. It's great that there are people like Edith who take the time to make sure shut-ins are still able to partake of Holy Communion and strengthen their bonds with God.

Now that I can have anything I want to eat, I'm enjoying things I haven't had in years! Dave brought me some Almond Joy and Mounds bars last night. They taste so good! I feel like a kid in a candy store! I guess there are some advantages to be being sick ~ I get to eat candy, ice cream, and shakes and my doctor doesn't want me to lose weight! Neither do I ever get a lecture about fat and cholesterol. All I have to worry about is eating a high protein, high calorie diet. That's a switch, isn't it?

I've had a few down moments since I was last here but they really didn't amount to much. It's hard to stay down when you have as much loving support as I have. I don't think a day goes by when someone doesn't do something exceptionally kind for me. So, once again, I want to emphasize how wonderful people are when they know they're needed. We all need to be surrounded by love and caring, so, no matter what your situation, don't be afraid to ask for a helping hand and don't forget to be grateful when it's offered.

Until next time . . . Surround yourself with love.

Back again ~ with this, that and everything . . .

2006-12-07T03:26:00.000-05:00

Sorry to have been missing in action for so long but it's been a busy time.

Last Thursday I had my second chemo treatment. My white count had rebounded wonderfully and went from way below normal to almost the top of the normal range. I guess my bone marrow was really working out and that's why I was so darn tired. The treatment was uneventful and I didn't have any problems except for the bone pain which is getting a little better each day.

Of course the highlight of the week was John arriving from California. He came in on Friday and the weather just didn't want to cooperate! We had a big winter storm which made driving a lot hazardous. However, after waiting for several hours to make sure John's flight would even be able to land, we made it safely to the airport to pick him up even thought the trip took about twice as long as it normally does. I was so thrilled to see him . . . you can't even begin to imagine!

It was entirely a family weekend ~ everyone wanting time with John ~ my mother, Jenn and her kids, Dave and me. It was wonderful! We didn't do anything special except visit and that was more than enough!. There's nothing that can replace having your whole family in one place! And, to John's credit, he didn't hole up in the house to avoid the very cold weather we had. He was out and about with his sister and his grandmother. It was me who stayed pretty close to hearth and home. ; ) There were lots of laughs and good conversations that I can recount until he comes again.

We weren't expecting bad weather on Monday when we had to return John to the airport but we got it anyway! He maneuvered the car well, especially considering he hasn't driven in snow and ice for years. He had some fun scaring Jenn who is a very paranoid winter driver but, of course, never drove dangerously. All too soon we were at the airport and saying goodbye again.

The visit may have been short but I wouldn't have traded it for a million dollars.

John even looked at my bald head and didn't gasp! LOL As for me, I'm getting used to it. I've developed some contact dermatitis from either the wig or the knit caps and my scalp itches like crazy! I feel like a dog must feel with fleas! : ) I finally had to go to the doctor yesterday to find out for sure what was causing the big, red blotchy bumps and ended up with some steroid cream to help it. Meanwhile, I'm not covering my head at all in the house ~ hoping the air will help cure it. So, anyone who comes to visit must be prepared for my little bald head.

Later today, I have to go to the Cancer Institute for my weekly blood check. Hopefully the counts will still be in the normal range and I'll still have energy for awhile. If high spirits can keep them elevated, I should be okay because I loved John's visit and having my whole family around for the weekend. It was really a high point for me.

If I ever needed a reminder that family is the top priority, I don't need it now. It's such a great feeling to be surrounded by love! Of course, they pamper me shamelessly ~ probably a lot more than I deserve ~ and make me feel like the most important person in the world. I could get spoiled but I don't think I will. I appreciate it so much.

It's been a little lonely since John left ~ the typical empty nest syndrome I guess ~ but we've talked a lot on the phone and that helps a great deal. Now I'm looking forward to the next visit from Fleecie and my granddaughter, Jordan. I'm sure John will be back, too, when he can get a little longer time off. I have so very much to be grateful for and I never forget it for a minute.

Here's something that is posted at the Cancer Institute ~ I asked Jenn to copy it down for me while I was having my treatment:

What Cancer Cannot Do . . .

Cancer is so limited . . .
It cannot cripple Love
It cannot shatter Hope
It cannot corrode Faith
It cannot destroy Peace
It cannot kill Friendship
It cannot suppress Memories
It cannot silence Courage
It cannot invade the Soul
It cannot steal Eternal Life
It cannot conquer the Spirit.

-Author unknown

No matter what your personal challenge is, just replace it for the word "cancer" and the same will apply. The human spirit is stronger than anything it confronts and can make anything bearable . . . As long as you let it.

Thanks to all of you who are going through this journey with me ~ you'll never know how much it means to me. The world is filled with such caring and kind people it's totally overwhelming. Don't wait for a crisis to realize this.

Until next time . . . Remember that there is much more good than bad surrounding each of us.

Catnaps in the fog . . .

2006-11-27T18:35:00.000-05:00

It appears that I'm back in my low energy mode, at least for the time being. I'm sure that's a result of my white count dropping last week. Now my bone marrow has to work really hard to produce more. I've been cat-napping a lot. If I'm not up and moving, it seems like I'm nodding off. But, my body needs rest in order to continue its fight so I don't feel guilty about it. This is probably the only time in my life when no one will blame me for being lazy. ; )

It appears our sunny, warm weather is over. Today, while still warm, was very foggy. I couldn't believe how much worse it got in just a couple of hours this afternoon. It was a great day for cuddling up with my afghan and taking naps. Tomorrow is supposed to be much colder and then we're getting snow again at the end of the week.

My son is coming in from California on Friday and I have a feeling he won't be happy to see the snow and feel the frigid temps. After spending the last 12 years in Southern California, he isn't at all acclimated to our weather anymore. John said he doesn't even have a winter coat anymore so I promised that the only time he'll have to experience the cold is going to and from the car. He was born and raised in this climate so I always tell him he's turned into a wimp where weather is concerned. ; )

I have my second chemo treatment on Thursday, unless my white count interferes, and I'm hoping it goes as uneventfully as the first. I now know I'll be wired from the steroids on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and that I can expect not to sleep much. Since John will be here on Friday night I won't have to worry about late night company since he'll still be on Pacific time and will probably stay up with me. I can hardly wait to have some good, long talks like we used to!

Jenn finished the hat she was knitting for me so now I have something cute to hide my bald head when I don't feel like wearing the wig. There are still quite a few of those straggling hairs that are very determined to hold on so Jenn trimmed them all to about a quarter inch. They aren't quite as ugly that way. Now one of my favorite pastimes is brushing my bare head because it feels so good. My scalp is quite itchy and that brush feels glorious. Who would ever think that brushing your scalp would provide such enjoyment??

I guess it just shows how much life can change and that we have to be adaptable to its changes. I'm actually getting used to seeing that little alien with the big eyes in the mirror every day! Without hair, it seems like your eyes grow larger. I still have eyebrows and lashes and will be sad when they fall out. I think that will bother me more than losing my hair. But, that' s really a minor thing in the grand scheme of things too. While cancer patients want to look good too, I can't imagine one who would prefer hair over health.

Isn't it funny how priorities change?

Until next time . . . Don't be afraid of change.

It's all gone . . .

2006-11-24T17:22:00.000-05:00

What a day this has been! When I got up this morning, I scared myself silly! I had little tufts of hair all over my head along with great big bald spots. I looked like some scary creature I've seen in the movies or on TV but I can't think of his name. I decided that I couldn't look like that so I pulled all the hair out that wanted to come out and was left with just some stragglers on top. LOL It really looked quite comical. I also discovered that hair really does keep your head warm! I got cold and had to put on a winter knit hat.

Later, Jenn decided she wanted to knit me a hat so we went to the yarn shop and got yarn and a pattern. The ladies who work there were great and it turns out that one of them is a 4-year breast cancer survivor. She gave me a lot of tips as well as being very helpful picking out a pattern. Jenn and I had a lot of fun.

I get to be chauffeured because the driver's side shoulder belt goes right across the incision for my medi-port. However, we took the dressing off yesterday, as instructed, and it looks really good. It also feels a lot better without the big old bandage. It doesn't hurt at all now unless I accidentally rub it or something.

This afternoon, the wig I ordered a few days ago arrived and we had fun with that. It's going to take a little while to get used to having it on my head and I probably won't wear it all the time but it has a bit more style than the bald look. ; ) Dave really likes it and so do Jenn and my mother. Stephie, my 13 year-old granddaughter told me I look weird but John, who's 9, said it looked just like my "other" hair. I'll tell you, this is the first time in my life I've had "hair" that will actually do what I want it too. That can't be bad! I kind of felt like I'd been to the salon for styling and color!

Today was an absolutely beautiful day with temps in the 50s and lots of sunshine. It was a perfect day to go on an outing. The fresh air felt wonderful! It was also fun to do something different. Lately, it seems like anytime I go anywhere, there are medical personnel involved ~ this was a pleasant change. It's called living life like normal, healthy people and I intend to do a lot more of it.

My friend, Elaine, sent me this quote and I think it's beautiful:

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars."
- Og Mandino

Isn't that a lovely concept? Sometimes we tend to forget that without darkness, light would mean nothing . . . Without tears, laughter wouldn't be as joyous . . . Without pain, we'd never appreciate feeling good . . . And, without difficulties, we would never grow. So, when things aren't going the way we'd like, we'd be wise to stop and consider all the goodness in our lives, focus on that and get through the bad times as quickly and as positively as possible. I truly believe that's how we live happy, fulfilled lives.

Until next time . . . Live each moment with joy in your heart.

We gather together . . .

2006-11-23T07:43:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving to each and every one of you! I hope you take the time to count your blessings and when you do, you discover a humongously long list of things for which to show your gratitude. I know my list is long and I thank God for all He has given me. All of you are on that list ~ I appreciate you more than I can say.

I've no doubt that this Thanksgiving will be especially poignant for my family and me. I think we've all learned never to take anything for granted. Once, you do that, you begin to more fully realize the importance of every moment you're given. Considering everything, we have too many blessings to count.

Well, guys, yesterday was an eventful day. It started early in the morning when I washed my hair and found it falling everywhere! Yup, I'm going to be bald very soon! It was quite a shock to realize that so much could fall out at once. By the end of the day, the quantity of my hair was reduced by about two-thirds or maybe three-fourths! I'm shedding worse than Chessie and Casey! I had asked the chemo nurses when to expect this and they said two weeks after treatment and they were right on the money!

How do I feel about it? Well, I've no doubt that looking at a bald head in the mirror is going to be a shock at first. However, there are hats, scarves, wigs, etc. It's only an external change. The thing I'm much more concerned about is what change the chemo is having on the cancer cells inside. If I have to lose my hair to destroy those, it will be more than worth it. I know that my family and friends will still love me, bald or not, so what difference does it really make? While my vanity may receive a little kick in the butt, a simple thing like hair loss certainly isn't going to ruin my day. It reminds me of a little story that was going around last summer:

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

"Well", she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today". So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.

"Hummm," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today". So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.

"Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail". So she did and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day, she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.

"YEAH!", she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

Attitude is everything....

At 6:15, with or without hair, I had to go have my medi-port implanted. It all went without incident. Once in the operating room, the anesthetist said, "Now I'm putting an oxygen mask on your face. Goodnight." That's the last thing I remember until I woke up in the recovery room. While the wound looks terrible ~ all bruised and ugly ~ it isn't particularly painful. It is sore and there are things I can't do with my left arm but, all in all, it really isn't too bad. And . . . since it's my left arm . . . later today, I'll still be able to fork lots of turkey into my mouth. ; )

Whether you're celebrating Thanksgiving or not, have a blessed day.

Until next time . . . Always show your gratitude.

Clean dogs, oddities and sunrises . . .

2006-11-21T06:05:00.000-05:00

Now, not only do we have a clean house and the laundry caught up . . . We have two shiny clean dogs with short nails! Yup, Chessie and Casey went to the groomer yesterday. It must have been quite an adventure because as soon as they got home, after prancing around and showing me how beautiful they looked with their snowman bandanas, they crashed on the floor and didn't even beg to be fed for hours and hours.

They love the bathing process itself but they aren't fond of the high powered fans that are used to dry them. That's odd when you think about it. Put them in the car with an open window, drive along the freeway at 70 miles per hour, they blissfully hang their heads out in the wind and love every minute of it. But, turn a fan on them and they hate it! I guess humans aren't the only ones who don't make a lot of sense sometimes! LOL

In fact, we're probably the most self-contradictory species of all.

We go to a restaurant and order a cheeseburger, fries and a diet soda.
We take an evening walk for exercise and end up at the ice cream store.
We complain about our government and then don't vote.
We teach our children the importance of honesty and keep the extra $10 bill we're given in error.
We emphasize the need to be truthful and then lie about why we can't go to the family reunion.
We workout, eat healthy foods and smoke.
We go to church and then ignore those who need our help.
We say "all men are created equal" but tell racial and ethnic jokes.
We crave acceptance but don't accept those who are different from us.
We say "beauty is only skin deep" and spend millions of dollars on cosmetic surgery.
We gather together to celebrate Thanksgiving and end up arguing with Uncle Joe.
We move to a rural area to enjoy nature and complain about the wild life eating our plants.

Yeah, we're a strange group all right.

There are certain advantages to getting up before the birds. I just witnessed the most beautiful sunrise I've seen in ages. The sky fairly exploded with many different shades of pink that wound their way into and around the dark blue background, gradually overcoming it and spreading it's beauty across the entire eastern sky. It was one of those events that you just know will remain in your mind all day. And, you also know a day that starts out so beautifully is certain to bring even greater things. Such a lovely sight makes you feel good inside and instills a sense of well-being. It's more than worth getting up early to experience.

I feel really fortunate that I have the time to stop what I'm doing and enjoy things like sunrises and sunsets. It's those kinds of things that make life so special. Don't be in such a hurry that you miss them. If serious illness teaches you anything, it's to glory in the moment at hand, to reach out and draw it all to you.

I may not be with you tomorrow or Thanksgiving Day. I'm finally having the medi-port implanted tomorrow and I'm told that my arm with be a bit sore for a couple of days. So, if it hurts to type, I won't be here. In case I'm not, have a very grateful Thanksgiving and enjoy the turkey!

Until next time . . . Life is precious, don't let it pass by without noticing its wonders.

Just for Fleecie . . .

2006-11-19T06:38:00.000-05:00

My daughter-in-law, Fleecie, aka Felicia, was born and bred in San Diego. And while she has seen snow in the mountains, she has never really experienced the snow falling.

In January, she and my 3 year-old granddaughter, Jordan, will be coming to visit. Her greatest wish is that it snow while she's here so she can finally feel it falling on her.

This is how our backyard looked a couple of weeks ago and this is what I hope Fleecie will experience during her visit. What fun it will be to watch her and Jordan out playing in mounds of that white stuff. Fleecie thinks she'll frolic like a child in the snow but I have a feeling she'll be more than ready for a cup of hot chocolate when she comes inside. (This is a woman who wears flannel pj's during the mild winters in Southern California!)

So, Fleecie, we'll do our best to have a snowstorm during your visit!

Turn your thoughts into miracles . . .

2006-11-19T05:45:00.000-05:00

It's not light out yet and here I am again ~ quiet house, candle burning, lamp on low. I think it's becoming the favorite part of my day. It gives me time to sort out my thoughts with no distractions. It's the perfect time to write to you.

My sister, Sherry, is full of surprises! She and her husband, Chuck, drove all the way to have dinner with us last night! We had a great time as always. As I looked around the table where Dave, Chuck, Sherry, and my mother sat, I thought how very blessed I am.

Yes, I may have cancer but I also have love, understanding, and a sense of belonging, of being cared about and cared for. The last of those are surely stronger than any disease and they make up the foundation that keeps me strong and positive. I could dwell on the mutinous cells inside my body, but why, when there are so many other wonderful things in my life that deserve much more attention?

Cancer can ravage my body but unless I allow it to invade and control my thoughts, it has little power over me. It can make me sick but it can't change my attitude unless I allow it. It can cause bodily pain but it can't touch the wonder of being loved. It can try to kill me but it can't destroy my spirit. So who is really the strongest? Who is in control?

Cancer is a scary word that makes most of us tremble inside. It's a dreaded diagnosis. But let's not give it more power than it actually has. Sometimes it has better odds of winning than we do, sometimes it does win ~ but it doesn't have to. We can make cancer our life or we can live a life that includes cancer. That choice is ours.

A friend sent the following to me and I want to share it with you.

HEAVEN #2183 (Correct Number) Powerful Thoughts November 15, 2006

God said:

Whatever you are doing with your thoughts, you are doing with your life. Your thoughts are the inciters and enrichers of your life. Your thoughts are your advance guard, and then you follow. Your thoughts wend their way through your life. In a sense, they pursue you, at the same time as they lead you. Now is time to set your thoughts straight.

Pull down from Heaven thoughts that benefit. I don’t mean wishful thinking. I mean pulling down useful spirit-raising thoughts. Accept no less.

Consider your thoughts like clothes you hang on the line. Whatever clothes you hang up, those are the clothes you will take down. Those are the clothes you will fold, put in a basket, and carry home with you. The thoughts you put out are the thoughts that you take home with you.

What thoughts do you want to have? Then have them. Discard unwelcome thoughts. Take on thoughts that meet your requests.

One thought follows another. This you know well. Your mind is always rambling on. Now point your thoughts in a direction. Your thoughts are like children. Tell them which way they should go.

Heretofore, you have sorted people and countries. Now I suggest that you sort your thoughts. Make two categories. Thoughts that you greet with open arms, and thoughts you step aside from. You do not have to welcome every thought that comes. You can send it on its way, or you can stop it in its tracks. You can substitute one thought for another. Accept only the very best.

When you eat strawberries, you don’t eat the ones that won’t taste good.

You don’t eat burnt toast.

You don’t spread your bread with spoiled butter.

You would not accept broken merchandise from the store.

You would not eat food off the floor.

Yet you would accept tainted thoughts, down-turning thoughts, thoughts with rough edges, thoughts that will cause you discomfort, thoughts with only three legs that will unbalance you, thoughts that you would not want to pass on to your children, yet you will pick up thoughts from off the floor, and pop them into your head.

Request the thoughts you want. Ask for them.

When you are in a hotel, and you have room service, and you order one thing, and they bring you another, you send the food back. There is nothing you have to accept as if you have no say.

It is unlikely that you will get the best without asking for the best.

Why should you not have the best, most forward-moving, most uplifting thoughts in the world? They are free. They are for all, the wealthy as well as the poor. The powerful thoughts are for everyone as well, not only the mighty. Perhaps the mighty are mighty because they chose powerful hard-working thoughts that surmount obstacles.

You have been inculcated to expect obstacles. Now expect miracles instead. Call them to you, not in desperation, but as you might call a dear friend to your side. Call up miracles. Your thoughts will call them to you. The vibration of your thoughts will call them to you. Miracles will rush to you. They are lined up waiting for you to catch them.

They have wanted you to till your mind as a farmer tills the soil. Be ready for miracles, and miracles you will have. When I suggest that you settle for only the best, what can I be talking about but miracles, that which you call miracles, which are only, after all, the return of the line you cast into the waters.

Copyright © 1999-2006 Heavenletters™
www.heavenletters.org

You're only powerless if you think you are! No matter what battle you're fighting ~ illness, overwhelming debt, loss of direction, sorrow, lack of confidence, loss of faith ~ expect miracles and you'll receive them.

Until next time . . . Expect and accept only the best.

Early morning meanderings . . .

2006-11-18T04:56:00.000-05:00

Hi Guys! Here it is 5:00 in the morning and, for some unknown reason, I'm awake! This has been happening a lot lately ~ it seems my body is determined to wake up much too early. It's quiet ~ Dave, Chessie and Casey are all fast asleep. The only sound I hear is the hum of the furnace. It's very dark outside ~ not even the moon is visible. I just lit my favorite candle ~ Christmas Tree ~ which has a wonderful pine aroma mixed with other scents that makes it very special. I have the light turned low and, all in all, have a very cozy feeling.

As I mentioned before, two lovely ladies cleaned our house on Wednesday and now it sparkles again. On Thursday, Dave and Jenn took the languishing laundry to the laundromat and washed and folded it all. So now I have a wonderful feeling of well-being. Everything is in it's place! It's amazing how much all this has improved my attitude. I think maybe it has something to do with feeling in control again. I look around the house and think, yeah, I can do little things, a bit at a time, to keep things in order. Before, what needed to be done was so overwhelming that I found it depressing.

I don't think that's a feeling that only strikes the ill. In our everyday lives if we allow things to get away from us, to become too overwhelming, we fall into a state similar to paralysis. The tasks that confront us seem so daunting that we're reluctant to tackle them. And, of course, the longer we put off starting, the worse things become. But, once we work to get everything in order again, it isn't that hard to keep up with what we need to do. In my case, I had my angels to make things easy for me. I feel very fortunate.

On the way to the Cancer Institute for my weekly blood draw on Thursday, I was telling Dave just how lucky I feel to have so many people to help and support me. I was thinking of all those poor souls who have no one and how difficult it would be to face this fight alone. I can't even imagine how hard that would be. Knowing that you have people who are there for you makes all the difference in the world. Whether the battle is illness or any other of life's big potholes, we need to be surrounded by those who love us and who care what happens to us.

Sometimes, we may suffer alone because our pride won't allow us to ask for help. But I've found that there are many, many people who are just waiting to be helpful. I think there is an innate kindness in most people and they really want to do what they can to make life easier for others. I don't think there is reason for any of us to face difficulties alone. Sometimes all you need is a person to talk with. Other times you may need the opinion of others to help you make an informed decision. At still other times, just a gentle touch from another person makes you feel better. I guess what I'm saying is that we shouldn't be reluctant to accept the help and kindness of others. Trying to be too self-sufficient can be hazardous to your health and happiness.

My blood tests were all within normal range and my chemo nurse was happy. She told me to keep on doing whatever I'm doing. My white count has, of course, fallen but it must still be what they consider normal a week after chemo. Forunately I didn't have to have any of the injections they give when the counts are off.

There was another patient getting his chemo treatment and he had a big button on the front of his shirt which read, "Cancer Sucks". It made me laugh. He said his mother had sent it to him and he was going to go on the Internet and order a dozen of them. You have to have a sense of humor to play in this league. LOL

Before I close this post, I want to thank all the people who have added sunshine to my life this week ~ there are too many of them to mention but they know who they are!

Dave, Mom, Jenn, John, Sherry ~ you're the greatest!

Until next time . . . Look for the kindness that surrounds you.

How could I forget . . . ??

2006-11-15T07:14:00.000-05:00

I was so busy complaining about all my aches and pains yesterday, that I forgot to tell you some really good news! We received the results of the bone scan on Monday and the test was NEGATIVE! My family and I were so relieved. That means the only fronts we have to battle are in the lung and the slight involvement of the liver. Every good piece of news should be celebrated and I can't imagine how I could have overlooked telling you. Maybe my scare on Monday short circuited by brain temporarily!!

After weeks of watching the condition of our house deteriorate, Dave and I made the decision to hire a cleaning lady until I'm back on my feet again. She and her partner are coming today! I'm so excited! I've always taken pride in my home and it's been very depressing to see it in such need of TLC! I know I don't have the energy to keep it looking the way I want it to and, since Dave is disabled from his accident almost two years ago, it's been like "the blind leading the blind" as far as cleaning goes. Soon we'll be able to look around and see shiny, clean things again instead of an army of dust bunnies invading. You have no idea what an uplifting affect that will have on my spirits! The only bad thing is that I'm embarrassed to have the ladies see my house in such disarray! ; ) I know that's silly but . . .

So, this is a red letter day at the Offenheiser home! Tonight we plan to sit in front of the fire and watch the flames reflect on all those shiny surfaces! LOL Small things can make such a difference.

The other day I received an email that I'm going to pass on here. With cold and flu season upon us, I think this is important ~ consider it a public service announcement!

Beware of Zicam

I need to warn you about a product on the market and hopefully you will pass it on to as many people as possible. I felt like I was coming down with a cold last Friday and because I'm around sick family members so much I wanted possibly head it off. I used Zicam, which is a gel nose spray which claims to keep a cold from becoming "full blown." Immediately I had an intense, horrible burning in my nasal/sinus passages. The skin on my face hurt to touch and I had pain and burning so that it hurt to move my head. My husband was here and kept asking if I wanted to go to the ER but the thought of getting in a car was overwhelming. My face was burning hot and my nasal passages were so swollen that I couldn't breathe through my nose and I could see the swelling when I looked in the mirror. It lasted for about three hours and it was Labor Day weekend and I couldn't see a Dr. until Tuesday. I have seen two ENT specialists in the last two days because I have lost, totally lost all ability to taste or smell. They both told me the same thing and suggested an immediate course of action. This is called "chemical trauma' and most times is permanent. I'm going to have a CT scan on Monday and am on a high dose of the steroid, Prednisone for two weeks. If there is even a thread of the olfactory nerve left, it will help to rejuvenate what is left. I have been on the Internet (just put in Zicam) and there are hundreds of people who have had this happen. I am so angry and devastated and saddened right now that I don't know how to get through this. I cannot handle the thought of never tasting food again or trying a new recipe or smelling a Thanksgiving turkey. Cooking has been an absolute passion of mine for as long as I can remember and at the moment I don't see the point of even putting dressing on a salad. I keep thinking that this cannot be happening to me. I suck on a lemon, bite down on a clove of garlic, smell a bottle of ammonia, nail polish remover, anything. I'm starting by telling people I love. PLEASE don't use Zicam, tell your friends.

Some sites to check this out:
http://www.zicam-cold-eeze-lawyers.com
http://www.adrugrecall.com/zicam/zicam.html
http://www.homeowatch.org/legal/zicam.html
http://www.zicamsideeffects.com/

I'm sure not everyone suffers these horrible side effects but is it really worth taking a chance?

That's it for me, for now. It's time to take a shower and get this day rolling.

Until next time . . . Celebrate every good thing that comes your way.

Just another day in "Chemoville" . . .

2006-11-14T17:43:00.000-05:00

Hi Guys! This is probably going to be a short post today because the ugly old chemo "side effect bug" has struck! ; ) But I did want to let you know what's going on.

I was supposed to have my medi-port implanted yesterday but when I went to see my doctor beforehand, she sent me to the ER because of severe abdominal pain instead. Dave and I were there almost all day while they scanned and "dopplered" me. The CT scan indicated I had a blood clot but then when they did the Doppler utrasound in turned out not to be the case. Thank God and all his angels! Evidently the CT scan was a false positive. I was pretty nervous there for awhile but, Dave kept me on an even keel and didn't allow me to panic as I would have if left to my own devices.

Everyone in the ER was extremely nice and professional so the experience wasn't neartly as bad as it could have been. It turns out that the most likely culprit is constipation which was probably caused by the drug I took to prevent nausea and vomiting. LOL You just can't win sometimes! : ) It turns out I also have a sinus infection and thrush in my mouth. So, armed with three different prescriptions, we finally got to come home.

Besides the abdominal pain, I've been experiencing a lot of bone pain. It makes me feel about 90 years old. But then again, as John, my son, pointed out a few nights ago ~ it will only be 28 years until I AM 91! I thought it was nice of him to let me know that, don't you? ; )

Anyway, I'm doing fine but lying a little low with the heating pad for company. Cancer treatment is definitely not for wimps! I knew going in there were bound to be days like this so it doesn't come as any big surprise. However, I am looking forward to feeling good again and being able to walk without hobbling!

I've gotten all kinds of great cards and gifts from my friends which really makes me feel a whole lot better. People really are wonderful! Elaine sent me a collection of Steve Goodier's books and, if you've never read him, I recommend him highly. He writes in an easy, spiritual way that really can be profound. So, when you're in need of inspiration, check Steve out. Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to email, send cards, call, offer gifts and special masses and, of course, prayers, etc.~ I appreciate you all so much!

Driving home from the Seton Cancer Institute late yesterday afternoon was really beautiful. It started snowing huge flakes and everything was coated (except the road, fortunately) with white, downy blankets. It's scenes like that which remind me how much I love living up here in the middle of the "boondocks".

Later on the in the evening, we sat and watched the snow come down and talked about our hectic, tense day. Both dogs were asleep and it was so very peaceful. It was a lovely ending to a stress-filled day.

Until next time . . . Find peace and beauty in simple things.

Just one of those days . . .

2006-11-12T06:13:00.000-05:00

I have to admit that I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity for a time yesterday. As I was reading all the literature I received from the chemo staff, I was overcome with all the things that will now have to be part of my daily routine. There are so many side-effects of chemo to protect against or be aware of that I began to get a little depressed . . . infections, mouth sores, hand-foot syndrome, effects on nerves and muscles, intestinal problems, central nervous system effects, skin and nail problems, hot flashes ~ ad infinitum, ad nauseam.

Now, when looked at rationally, many patients never experience these and there is nothing to say I will. Even if I do, aren't they worth the chance to rid myself of cancer? Of course they are! No one ever said this journey would be easy and it makes no sense to defeat yourself at the very beginning by worrying about all of these "maybes". If they come, they come, and my doctors and I will deal with them. But for a few hours, this evening I allowed myself to be controlled by the fear and apprehension they bring.

Fortunately, I have a great support team, as you know. Dave, Jenn and my friend, Elaine helped me to start looking on the bright side again. Then two things made me feel even better!

First, I received a beautiful plant from my friends, Yvonne and Pam. It made me feel so good to know they were thinking of me.

Then last night, my son, John, called from California to say that he's coming home on December 1st for a visit!! That news made my spirits soar! I haven't seen him in a year and can hardly wait for the day of his arrival! Unfortunately, my daughter-in-law and granddaughter won't accompany him on this visit but will be coming sometime after the beginning of the year. But that just gives me even more to look forward to!

I guess it isn't unnatural to have moments when things get to you as long as you pick yourself back up and make sure it doesn't become a habit. A day that was filled with ups and downs still ended on a really high note and that continues today.

I was reminded of something my friend sent me awhile back:

God's Cake

Sometimes we wonder, "What did I do to deserve this?" or "Why did God have to do this to me?" Here is a wonderful explanation! A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.

Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, "Absolutely Mom, I love your cake"

"Here, have some cooking oil," her Mother offers. "Yuck" says her daughter.

"How about a couple raw eggs?" "Gross, Mom!"

"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?" "Mom, those are all yucky!"

To which the mother replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way , they make a wonderfully delicious cake!

God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!

God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning.

Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.

- Author Unknown

So right now, while I may not like all the ingredients I have to work with, the finished product ~ a healthy, whole body ~ is more than worth a few "yucks" along the way! : ) The important thing is to continue with a good attitude, allowing myself to feel those chemo drugs destroying the cancer cells in my body. It that requires a little discomfort along the way, it's a small price to pay. I didn't enter this battle to give up and I don't intend to do that now. If there are a few bumps on the way to becoming healthy again, so be it. I'll handle them just like the millions who came before me and the millions who will follow. Just because you're a cancer patient doesn't mean you have to be a wimp! LOL I'll get through it all with help from my family, my friends and God.

Until next time . . . Remember that every cloud has a silver lining if you're just willing to look for it.

A giant milestone is reached . . .

2006-11-10T15:11:00.000-05:00

I finally started my chemotherapy yesterday and now I truly feel like I'm doing something concrete to fight back! While I was receiving the treatment, I envisioned the drugs shrinking all the tumors and that made me feel really good. Now I feel the cancer getting weaker every day, as I become stronger. That nasty old disease hasn't won yet and it won't!

It was a very long, draining day and I'm glad it's over but, as usual, the reality wasn't nearly as scary as what I had imagined it would be. Don't you find that's almost always the case? The night before I talked with my friend, Debbie, who has been a cancer patient for four years. She answered all of my questions about the treatments. Hearing about it from someone who has actually been there is a lot more comforting than having the professionals tell you what to expect. Of course, everyone is affected differently but I still felt much better after speaking with Debbie.

Unfortunately, the steroids I took the day before kept me from sleeping so I was operating ~ well, kind of operating ~ on about 2 and 1/2 hours of sleep when we set out for the Institute. I was relatively calm when we arrived. Maybe I was just too tired to be anything else. ; ) There were some paperwork glitches that had to be taken care of so my treatment didn't get started on time. The wait was a little tense but when they finally started infusing the drugs, it wasn't that bad. One drug gave me an unpleasant taste in my mouth but that was really the only thing I noticed.

Near the end of the treatment, on one of my many trips to the restroom, I noticed that my face had a whole lot of color to it. The nurse explained that it's called "chemo flush" and that it would be even redder today ~ which it was this morning but now seems to be fading. Actually, it made me look pretty healthy and I didn't mind it all that much! : )

A little later on I started to experience heartburn and knew that one of the drugs had fired up my acid reflux which hasn't been a problem in quite some time. However, I have medication to deal with that which I took when I got home so it didn't last too long. So far I haven't had any problem with nausea or vomiting ~ I've been taking my compazine every 6 hours as directed and it seems to be working.

Again last night I had trouble sleeping so I'm really, really tired today. I've been trying to get little cat naps here and there but either the phone rings or there is some other distraction so I haven't been very successful yet. However, I have the feeling that a good nap isn't far away. I've been drinking water like crazy, as they suggested, and feel like I could float away!

Oh, I forgot to mention that when they weighed me, I had gained 1.7 pounds since the day before! Again, the culprit is the steroids causing fluid retention! That did not make me happy at all but at least I know it's only temporary.

So . . . now I know what chemo treatments are like and won't be so apprehensive when I have my next one on November 30th. I think I'm scheduled for a course of 6 treatments so they should be done in March some time.

On Monday, I'm having the medi-port implanted and that should be the last major procedure ~ I hope. The surgeon, Dr. Schattner (that's Keven, not William LOL) , assures me that I won't feel a thing or know what's happening. I'm very happy to hear that because I'm not big on pain these days! He said there will be some soreness for a few days and after that it shouldn't bother me. It will sure make chemo a lot easier because they won't have to poke my veins once the port is in. Right now my veins are in really good shape and they have no problems but I understand that chemo really messes them up and eventually it gets very hard to access a good vein. I'm glad I won't have to deal with that.

Today I had a wonderful surprise, Linda and Pat, two women I worked with many years ago, sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers! It was so kind of them and really filled my day with sunshine. People are truly fantastic and I'm so blessed to have such a great support team! Between my family and my friends, both online and off, how could I have anything but high spirits and a positive attitude? I love all you guys!

Life is about the relationships we form ~ I truly believe there is nothing more important. We all need to remember, no matter how busy we are, we have to take the time to nurture them and keep them strong. We have to remember our priorities ~ our God, our family and our friends. Success, money and possessions don't mean anything if we don't have the first three.

Until next time . . . Take the time to show people you care.

There is no shame in leaning on others . . .

2006-11-06T03:42:00.000-05:00

This past weekend turned out to be a busy one.

On Friday afternoon, my sister surprised me with another visit! I didn't know she had planned this trip and it was wonderful to see her. We had lots of time to talk and reminisce. We went out to dinner with my mom on Friday evening and then spent the rest of the night chattering about this and that. Saturday morning we got our signals crossed ~ when I got up, I saw her bedroom door was still closed so, not wanting to wake her, I came into my office and closed the door. She woke up and, thinking I was still asleep, she made her coffee and sat in the living room drinking it. Had I not eventually gone out to refill my orange juice, we might have wasted the entire morning trying to keep quiet so the other could sleep! LOL

Sherry had to leave after lunch on Saturday. I think I've told you that she's a teacher and parent conferences are scheduled for this week so she had to get back home to prepare for them. But, even though the visit was short, it was a whole lot of fun. I'm so grateful to my sister for taking time she really doesn't have to spend with me. If I weren't sick, we wouldn't see each other much during the school year. These visits have been real blessings to me.

Since my two grandsons were sick this weekend, Brandon with strep throat and John with a virus, I wasn't able to spend any time with my daughter. With chemo starting this week, I can't afford to get sick so I had to stay away from them. I'm happy to report that they're both doing much better now.

Dave and I went to mass yesterday and it felt really good to be back. Father Anthony gave me two books to read, "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" and "Praying with John of the Cross." I have my doctors looking out for my physical welfare, my family and friends taking care of my emotional health, and Father Anthony working on my spiritual condition. I'd say that all the bases are covered, wouldn't you? I'm so grateful to have all of them in my corner. Without them, I think I'd be pretty lost right now. As it is, I feel I'm in excellent hands!

No one can struggle with something of the magnitude of cancer without the help of others. It's not the time to prove your self-sufficiency! No matter what your particular challenge may be; whether it's physical or not, it's really important to feel that you have others with whom you can share your thoughts and feelings. The old saying "No man is an island", is particularly true here. Don't ever think you have to go it alone, no matter what the problem may be. We need each other! Sharing lifts a heavy burden off your shoulders and it makes others feel pleased that they can do something to help, even if it's just listening and offering their support.

For now, I'm going to leave you with this thought:

"No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are,
raise your sights and see the possibilities -
always see them, for they're always there."

- Dr. Norman Vincent Peale

Until next time . . . Remember that you never have to go through dark times alone.

Post Script . . . Good News and Not So Good News

2006-11-03T13:55:00.000-05:00

Well, guys, I thought I should get back with you today because I talked with my doctor on the telephone a couple of hours ago. The wonderful news is that the MRI of my brain was negative ~ that means there is no metastasis, not that I HAVE no brain! ; ) However, it seems that the fluid which the surgeon aspirated from the mass in my liver did contain cancer cells. That's a bummer, but, it's all relative. I would sooner have had that news than find I have cancer in my brain.

Dr. Mehrotra is confident that my chemo treatments will take care of the small mass in my liver. She said we'll just go ahead as planned and that I'm getting the very best chemo regimen, even considering this new turn of events. She seemed quite positive and I am too.

Surprisingly, as uplifted as I was by the news of only having a cyst in my liver, I haven't become depressed by the discovery that that isn't the case after all. It's simply one more little bump in the road toward recovery. : ) I'm not about to let it throw me.

I'm off to curl up in front of the fire as I told you I planned to do. However, the snow has stopped falling and what we received this morning has all melted. It doesn't matter though because it's still very cold and a good day to enjoy the warmth and comfort of snuggling in an afghan and watching the flames of the fire dance here and there.

Until next time . . . Don't sweat the small stuff and, remember, it's all small stuff!

Life is good . . . if you allow it to be.

2006-11-03T06:45:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a very long and tiring day. I had to be at the Cancer Institute at 8:45 a.m. for a bone scan and didn't leave there until 2:00 p.m. It wasn't a particularly difficult test ~ just long and uncomfortable. Some of the positions the technician placed me in were definitely meant for those much younger and more flexible than I am! I suppose I was also a little more rigid than usual because of being a bit nervous. However, there really was nothing to fear. I think I actually caught a little cat nap when we finally got to the part where I could lie down and let the machine do its thing.

I'm learning a lot as I go through these various procedures. Most staff people are more than happy to explain their work and tell me all kinds of interesting things. For example, I learned all about the radioactive material they injected in my veins for the test, why and how it works. I also learned that I would be radioactive for 24 hours, with the amount still present in my bones being reduced by one half every six hours. I checked to see if I would glow in the dark last night but I didn't. LOL

It was very weird to see images of my own skeleton. They looked like decorations left over from Halloween! Brandon, my almost 11 year-old grandson, dressed as a skeleton for trick or treating and I really think, although his costume was great, that my images were a lot scarier! ; ) Of course, the technician wouldn't tell me what she saw so it's another one of those endless "wait and see" situations. I'm getting quite used to them now and no longer sit on pins and needles awaiting the results. I figure it is what it is and I'll find out sooner or later.

Unless my oncologist comes up with something I'm not expecting, I have a long break now. I don't have another appointment until next Wednesday when we meet with the surgeon who will be implanting my mediport. I need a break from all the medical types so I can get back to a normal, everyday kind life for a few days. Cancer or not, life does go on and it's nice to have the time to enjoy it.

One of my good friends, Debbie, who is also a cancer patient, shared something she read in Lance Armstrong's book, "It's Not About the Bike - My Journey Back to Life". He gave the following acronym for Cancer:

C-Courage
A-Attitude
N-NEVER give up
C-Curability
E-Enlightment
R-Remembrance

I believe those qualities can be applied to most of life's situations and are helpful whether you have cancer or not. We all face challenges of one kind or another and we all have to have the courage to meet them. We have to confront them with a positive attitude and persevere (never give up) until we resolve (cure) them. By meeting those challenges we learn from them (enlightment). I'm not sure how Lance defined "remembrance", but for my purposes here, I'll define it as remembering that we succeeded in overcoming that obstacle which gives us the confidence of knowing we have the power to meet ANY roadblock life throws in our path.

Another good friend, Elaine, sent me An Irish Blessing, that I'd like to share with you. It's very beautiful and I hope it means as much to you as it did to me. You can find it here: http://www.andiesisle.com:80/Blessings.html. Make sure you turn your speakers up because the music is awesome. After you've read the blessing yourself, Roma Downey recites it along with the music so don't click off too early.

It's supposed to snow today so my plans for later are to sit in front of the fire all cozy in my snuggly afghan, watch the snow come down and thank God that He filled this world with such beauty. Maybe you can take a few minutes to appreciate the wonderful things that surround you.

Until next time . . . Relax and enjoy life's blessings.

Taking back control . . .

2006-11-01T08:39:00.000-05:00

Today I made the realization that I have allowed this thing called cancer to run my life for the past month and more. I've decided that will not continue. Yes, cancer is now a part of my life but it isn't ALL of my life and I won't allow it to be. There are still so many wonderful, exciting things to experience every day. If I think only of being a cancer patient with an uncertain future, I will miss too much.

Dwelling on anything gives it power over you. Cancer is no exception. I have so many things to be grateful for and it's important to remember that . . . God, family, friends, my two lovable labs, the beauty of nature, the love that surrounds me, the ability to find humor in everyday things, the breeze against my face, sitting in front of a fire on a blustery night, good books, a caring medical team . . . I could go on and on. These things are more important than cancer and deserve more attention. So, from now on I'll do what needs to be done to fight this thing and rejoice in all the other facets of my life. Cancer WILL NOT control my thoughts or my life.

Yesterday I received some wonderful news, the mass that was seen on my liver in the CT scan is just a cyst ~ it is not malignant! It's so refreshing to be able to celebrate some good news after all the negative stuff that's been going on. I'm so relieved and the news lightened my spirit by at least a ton! ; )

Yesterday I also received a hilarious email from one of my ezine subscribers, Buddy Pierce. I'm including it here because each one of us, cancer patient or not, needs a good laugh!

Texas Squirrel

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect!

The weather has been unseasonable and warm in Austin, so I got the bike out to go for a ride. I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close.

I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming VTX with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular ... as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest.

Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, uttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact; he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!

The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a VTX can only have one result. Torque. This is what the VTX is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.

The squirrel screamed in anger. The VTX screamed in ecstasy.

I screamed in ... well ... I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn-t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle ... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on The Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment) so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet.

By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of -- so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back).

I really would have. Really. Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street and was aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So the cops were not interested in me.

They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves... and some Band-Aids.

I hope you all enjoy this story as much as I did. I continue to laugh every time I think of it. Many, many thanks to Buddy for sending it to me.

Now, I'm going to have a good day and spend it enjoying all the blessings that surround me. What about you?

Until next time . . . Concentrate on love, laughter and healing.

Fighting to stay positive . . .

2006-10-30T05:06:00.000-05:00

This past week was a difficult one. I've had a hard time keeping my spirits up. I keep trying to fight the negative thoughts and concentrate on only the good things but last week was a real challenge.

I guess the hardest thing is feeling like such a useless individual right now. I have little to give to those who are showering me with such love and concern. This extreme exhaustion is preventing me from being the active, productive person that I want to be. I don't know how much of it is due to physical causes and how much to psychological causes. All I know is that I'm tired all the time and can fall asleep anywhere at anytime. I hate it! I'm used to a busy schedule and this "couch potato" stuff is getting to me! This is not how I want to live.

This morning before I got out of bed, I decided that I'm not going to allow this disease to keep me from doing the things I want and need to do. I realize that I may have to move at a slower pace but I will accomplish things! If I don't, I may as well be dead already. I have a life to live and I'm going to live it. I know I'll have to include more rest periods but I can deal with that as long as I can feel productive again. Things are falling into a state of chaos around here and that isn't going to continue. I have work to do and I'm going to do it!

Little things are bugging me like the state of my office. It's a mess! I have piles of things all over the place ~ things that I've allowed to collect over the last three weeks. I have to get busy and take care of this stuff, do what is required and add a sense of accomplishment to my days. I think my body has given in to cancer and I won't allow that to continue.

Our laundry has grown to mountainous proportions ~ it's time to do something about that too. I know I'll feel better just knowing that I'm taking action. In the past couple of weeks, I've spent hours and hours playing computer games because they keep me from thinking about what's happening to my body. That can't be healthy. It's time to start living my life again. If I'm nothing but as lump on the couch or a body in front of the computer screen, what good am I?

I've let so many things slide and it's affecting how I feel about myself in a negative way. I realize I have to adjust my thinking about how much I can accomplish at one time, but even if it's only one or two things each day, it's better than what I'm doing now. I will not let cancer run my life. I'm taking back that control.

One of my friends sent me a candle ceremony that she says has gotten her through dark times. I'm going to share it with you in the same words it was sent to me. Maybe it will help you too.

"I believe in Candle Power - this is how it works.

Candles may be of any type or size. The main purpose of candle burning is that it enables you to concentrate on what you are doing, or what you are trying to obtain. It is symbolic. A candle is a form of burning of the old, making something go away or to have something come to you.

The smoke is symbolic of carrying the message, in the form of thoughts or words to a higher power or being, maybe your God.

One of the important things to remember in candle burning ceremonies is to do this in a quite area. A space away from noise or distraction. The time is important – I prefer at night, usually after a bath or shower, just before I go to bed. You will want to leave your candles in the same place and keep them undisturbed.

Now for the color of the candles to use. I use RED, because it symbolizes Strength, Health, Vigor, and Love. You can also use WHITE, it symbolizes Purity, Truth, Sincerity. Or you can
use a mixture of colors, depending on what you would like to attain or be relieved of.

Light Blue: Tranquility, Understanding, Patience, Health
Dark Blue: Impulsiveness, Depression, Changeability
Green: Finance, Fertility, Luck
Gold/Yellow: Attraction, Persuasion, Charm, Confidence
Brown: Hesitation, Uncertainty, Neutrality
Pink: Honor, Love, Morality
Black: (do not use)
Purple: Tension, Ambition, Business Progress, Power
Silver/Gray: Cancellation, Neutrality, Stalemate
Orange: Encouragement, Adaptability, Stimulation, Attraction
Greenish Yellow: Sickness, Cowardice, Anger, Jealousy, Discord

If you are trying to overcome Illness you might want to use a “Light Blue” candle. If you are trying to overcome Financial problems use a “Green” candle in the mix as well.

I believe that we must give of ourselves to a higher power. For only a higher power can truly help us in this physical life.

I have a desk in my bedroom and I have 5 candles on a tray (mine is round – yours can be anything, or any shape. I use each candle for a specific purpose:

1. “Health”
2. To take away “Fear”
3. To take away “Self Doubt”
4. “Truth” – “Light”
5. “Power”

You can use your own affirmations. You can say whatever you want. It does not have to be the same dialog all the time. You can change it as your life starts to change. For example, when the “Fear” left me, I then used this candle to thank God for releasing me from the fear that was paralyzing me and keeping me from moving forward. All of my Stomach problems were connected to FEAR – since I have released the “Fear” from my body, I no longer suffer from Acid Reflux, Heartburn, Indigestion, etc. I think since mid January (2004) I have taken only 2 Zantac’s because I thought I was going to get heartburn (my usual was 2 a day). I have eaten Pizza, Spaghetti, Hot Dogs, and several things that I have not been able to eat for a very long time. I had Acid Reflux so bad that I would have to sleep straight up in a chair all night and the pain was so intense that I was not sure that I was not having a heart attack. I would get heartburn from a glass of ice water. But, since the fear has been taken away from me so have all of my stomach problems. My fear was of the unknown, fear that I could not handle what was coming, fear that it was going to turn out bad, fear that I was not good enough, fear that I was not capable of doing…….fear, fear, fear.

Remember that:…. The mental thought patterns that cause the most disease in the body are CRITICISM, ANGER, RESENTMENT and GUILT. For instance, criticism indulged in long enough will often lead to diseases such as arthritis. Anger turns into things that boil and burn and infect the body. Resentment long held festers and eats away at the self and ultimately can lead to tumors and cancer. Guilt always seeks punishment and leads to pain.

HEALTH: I use this candle to cleanse my body of all illness. Take away pain, take away symptoms, etc. I asked God to cleanse my body, mind and soul of all ill thoughts and illness. To heal _ _ _ whatever your health issue is. I had other things, physical things happen after my stomach problems cleared up, and I ask for help in curing that also and it worked.

FEAR: We have already discussed this one. However, I would like to share that after a week I felt like a great weight was lifted from my shoulders. I was happier and felt more at peace than I have in a long time. I knew that I was not going to fear anything – that I would be able to face what was to come without fear.

SELF DOUBT: I think this goes hand and hand with fear. I was so paralyzed by the fear of the unknown and so much Self Doubt that I could not think clearly or move forward. I needed to believe in myself again. I needed to feel self-assured again, confidence, empowerment, etc.

TRUTH / LIGHT: This was so amazing to me. A situation came up that I had questioned, I did not know what I was supposed to do – I was not sure that what I was facing was the truth or if I was being conned. I asked for Truth and to Light the way for me to know the truth, to take all obstacles away. Within 3 days, the truth was made known in a very distinctive way – there was no mistake about the truth of the situation. I also use this candle to show me that there is Light at the end of the tunnel and to lead me in the right direction.

POWER/STRENGTH: This is to give me the power to do the right thing, move forward without fear. Take away my procrastination (which I have been so good at lately) and help me move forward. Give me strength of Body and Mind.

As I light each candle I re-affirm what the candle represents. I say two prayers ( this is for each person to determine what they would like to do here) or just clear your mind of all thoughts from the day. That’s why after a shower and before bed is a good time for this. I sit silently and concentrate on what I want to obtain from this. Sometimes I will hold my hands over and near the flames – just close enough to feel the heat. It gives me a warm feeling inside as well. After all the candles are lit, I focus on each one and say my “affirmation” for that candle. “Please give me the strength and power to do what I need to do……..”

After I have affirmed each candle and it’s purpose I blow out the flame (one at a time) and mentally picture the smoke, from the flame, taking away the illness, fear, self doubt, etc., from each candle. When all the flames are extinguished I say a closing prayer and repeat the process the next night. If you miss a night – that’s okay. But I have come to look forward to this time of meditation and understanding.

Once you rid yourself of a particular feeling, such as fear, use that candle to thank your Higher Power for releasing you from this burden. As each illness is cured or gone – take the time to thank God for healing you.

Good luck – I hope this works as well for you as it has for me. I hope it will continue to work for me and bring me to a happier place in my life. "

I know from my own experiences that affirmation, visualization and meditation can work wonders. This candle ceremony combines them all and I'm hopeful that it will be as powerful for you and me as it is for my friend.

Until next time . . . Believe in the power of your own mind.

Just when you think . . .

2006-10-28T06:45:00.000-04:00

I'm finding out just how quickly things can change with this disease. On Tuesday, my doctor called to tell me that, according to the last CT scan, the cancer has spread in my right lung. Instead of being confined to the lower lobe it is now visible in both the middle and upper lobes. Since the CT scan was taken only 2 weeks after the PET scan which didn't indicate this spread, I was totally stunned and felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. So, now instead of being in Stage 3B, I find myself in Stage 4.

The bad news didn't end there. There is a spot on my liver that my oncologist is also concerned about. This spot was evident in my first chest CT but then didn't react to the PET scan and didn't show in the abdominal CT. However, it has raised it's ugly head again and now I have to have another needle biopsy. : ( That has been scheduled for October 31st.

I took this latest news very hard. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing and as Dave wiped them from my cheek's, he said I was making that job endless. His comment did make me laugh a little. Thank God I have so many loving people to support me. I'd be lost without them.

On Thursday, the 26th, I saw my oncologist and she told me that because there is now such a large area of the lung involved, the radiation oncologist doesn't want me to have radiation ~ at least not now. He said that, because the affected area is so large now, there would be a lot of scarring of the lung tissue and I would end up requiring oxygen to breathe. So, the only treatment I will be receiving is chemo. I'll be getting Carboplatin and Docetaxel every 21 days, beginning on November 9th.

I asked Dr. Mehrotra if this meant she was treating my disease less aggressively and she said "certainly not". The reason I will be having fewer treatments, further apart is that the dosage will now be much stronger since I won't be receiving radiation at the same time. She was still very positive but not quite as positive as the last time we met.

I still have the bone scan on Nov. 3rd and she didn't have the results of my brain MRI. I'm praying that there are no cancer cells evident in either of those.

I guess you could say this has been a bad week for me and I'm glad to see it end. Just when I thought my treatment plan was all in order . . . Whammo! But, I suppose that's the nature of this insidious disease. I'm not as devastated as I was on Tuesday. I've been able to lift my spirits almost back to where they were before. I know my attitude will have a great bearing on my outcome.

Yesterday I went to see my priest. I don't feel a close relationship with God like I used to and I wanted to discuss this with Father Anthony. He told me that all Christians go through "dry spells" when God seems very far away and gave me a few ideas of how to bring Him closer again. He also anointed me. That sacrament made me feel much better. This is no time for me to be unable to "feel" God's presence in my life. I'm glad I sought out advice and I'm sure that Father Anthony's suggestions will help me reestablish my relationship with God. Dave and I have decided to start going to mass again and I know that will make a big difference.

Another thing that's helped my spirits is the sunshine we've had for a couple days after a long period of gray skies and rain. Gloomy days didn't use to bother me ~ I thought they were kind of cozy but that seems to have changed since my diagnosis. Now, I would much prefer to see the sun shining.

The thing that bothers me the most is my total lack of energy and extreme tiredness. There are so many things I would like to do and I can't because my body just won't cooperate. I miss walking with my Labs, Chessie and Casey. I know they miss it too. I'm hoping one of these days I'll feel strong enough to get out their leashes and take a nice hike. It would feel so good to feel the breeze against my face ~ I know it would make me feel more normal and alive. Lately, all we've done is go from appointment to appointment and that saps all of my energy. I suppose it will get worse before it gets better but I'm really looking forward to the day when I can do the things I used to without being exhausted.

My mother and my daughter, Jenn, have taken good care of me this week ~ bringing over food and washing my lace curtains. Those curtains were really driving me nuts because it was depressing to look at them in their grimy state! Now they are all fresh and clean and it's a wonderful difference.

Dave, my mom and Jenn all make me feel very loved. I've also spoken with my son, John, and his wife a few times this week and that helps a lot too. Of course, my sister and I talk frequently and I always look forward to those conversations. I feel really blessed to have so many people who care about me. They make it so much easier for me to handle the fact that I have cancer. I know there are those who don't have anyone and I don't know how they manage. My heart goes out to them.

I'm really trying not to let the fact that I have cancer consume my every moment and every thought. There are too many wondrous things to enjoy and I want to be able to do that. Sometimes though, it does overcome me and I wonder how long I'll live and what quality of life I'll have. Sometimes I'm afraid but most of time I'm not. I'm really trying to take it a day at a time and not project into the future or worry about what that may hold. Today is the most important day and if I can enjoy it, then I feel I've won a big battle.

I'd really love it if any of you who are also fighting cancer, would tell me how you make the best of it. I'm sure it would be helpful.

Until next time . . . think happy thoughts!

My biggest concern . . . My family.

2006-10-23T19:43:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I concentrated on the more technical issues surrounding my diagnosis. Today, I want to talk more about feelings. Of course, you know they often change from moment to moment. ; ) But there are some that remain pretty constant.

One of those is my concern about my family and what will happen to each of them if I die.

Dave, my husband has been through this battle once already. His first wife died very young of leukemia. I don't think it's fair he has to travel this road again. He is very active in AA and has a lot of support from his friends there. But I worry about him being alone, with only our two Labrador retrievers for company. They're wonderful companions but you can't exactly carry on a conversation with them. : ) He's being very strong for me right now but I worry about that strength continuing if I die. I don't want him to be lonely or feel alone. It hurts me to think of that happening.

My daughter, Jenn, and I have a very special mother-daughter relationship in which we each consider the other our best friend. Jenn is a single mother of three and I've always been there to support her when things got rough. I worry how she would cope without me. Her father and only brother live in California so they can't be here for her in the same way I am. She has many friends, but again, none of them live in this area. I know she has inner strengths and maybe they would grow stronger if she no longer had me to depend upon. I hope with all my heart that's the case.

I also share a wonderful relationship with my son, John. He and I are very close and I know he would be as devastated as Jenn if I don't make it. But his wife, Felicia, and his father are there to support him. I know he'd hate it if his little 3 year-old daughter, Jordan, doesn't have a chance to know me and share her life with me. I worry about the depressions that John suffers now and then ~ I don't like being the cause of it right now. He's strong and he would recover but I know that, like Dave and Jenn, there would be a big void in his life. He and his family are coming to visit next month and I'm really looking forward to that. It will be wonderful to have my whole family together.

As I mentioned yesterday, my mother is 81 years old and in ill health herself. I'm usually the one she turns to if she needs help. I know how horrible it is for a parent to lose a child . . . Even if that child is 62! She and I haven't always seen eye-to-eye on things and there have been some very volatile moments. That doesn't mean we don't love one another but we sure have had our arguments over the years. I'm happy that we're now able to show the love we feel instead of the anger we've often demonstrated. I just worry that my death would cause her to decline rapidly.

Finally, there is my sister, Sherry. We've shared so much over the years even though we haven't always lived close to one another. Right now we are separated by over 250 miles. She's a fourth grade teacher and isn't able to come up here frequently. I know that bothers her a lot now that I'm sick. She wants to be able to go to treatments with me, etc. What she doesn't understand is that she's there in my heart anyway. I can feel her support and that's the important thing. She's very emotional like I am and is taking my diagnosis very hard. She and her husband and two children are very close and I know that even though she would be very sad, she would be okay if something happened to me.

When I cry, it's this I cry about. I don't think I'm afraid to die but I hate the idea of all my loved ones being left behind. I think it's easier to die than to be left. Other than the fear of chemo, this is the thing that bothers me most. This is the worry that springs up most frequently. I don't want these people to suffer because of me. I want them to have happy lives and, of course, I'd like to continue to be part of their lives. But, if I can't be, I want them all to have the support each needs to live without me. I don't mean this in an arrogant way but I know that I'm a very big part of all of their lives and it makes me so sad to think of them grieving my loss.

I hope they all know how much I love each of them and how precious they are to me ~ I hope I've made that clear over the years. I understand how much they love me and that's what hurts so much when I think about dying. I just don't want to leave them behind.

Well, now that I've worked myself into an emotional state and tears are blurring my vision, I think I'd better close this. Maybe giving into a good cry would be therapeutic. ; )

Until next time . . . Keep fighting the fight, no matter what your opponent may be.

How it all started . . .

2006-10-22T07:22:00.000-04:00

On September 19th I got a call from Connie, my Family Nurse Practitioner. She asked me to come in to discuss the resuls of the x-rays I'd had the previous day. She said there were some things we needed to discuss. It was as if tiny pinpricks of electricity filled my entire body. I knew it was bad or Connie would never have called. To every question I asked, she answered that we needed to go over some things. She wouldn't give me any more information than that. Her responses only convinced me that, whatever the problem, it was extremely serious. Since I'd had x-rays of my chest (because I'd been exhausted for months) and mandible (due to pain that was suspected to be TMJ), I knew it was quite likely that my lungs were the issue.

We set an appointment time for a couple of hours later and during that 120 minutes, I felt doomed. My hands were shaking and I was trembling inside. For some reason I wanted to go for this visit alone. When I was waiting in the examining room and Connie walked in, I knew from the expression on her face that she wasn't looking forward to this discussion any more than I was.

What she told me was that I had four masses in the lower lobe of my right lung that looked very suspicious. It's funny because I didn't react to that news as drastically as I had to her earlier phone call. I suppose I already knew what she was going to tell me. I was a bit overwhelmed that there were multiple masses and it took me awhile to digest that.

That was the beginning.

Connie quickly scheduled a CT scan of the lung (which showed more masses than the x-ray had) and an appointment with a pulmonologist. The pulmonologist viewed my x-rays and CT scan and said it was probably cancer but that he wanted me to have further testing done to be sure. Then I had a PET scan where cancer cells appear much brighter than all other cells. He also ordered a CT scan of the abdomen and pelvis to make sure there was no cancer in those areas, a pulmonary function test and, finally, a needle biopsy of one of the masses in my lung. This was on September 29th.

I had all of that done and never heard from the pulmonologist about any of the results. I had to wait until October 12th for a follow-up appointment with him. While I waited, I went from feeling optimistic that it might be an inflammatory disease to the black certainty that I had lung cancer. The waiting seemed endless. It's very hard to deal with an unknown.

I believe that doctors do a disservice to their patients when they don't relate the findings of tests as they receive them. It's easier to cope with the facts than it is to suffer through the state of limbo created by not knowing. I tried to fill my days with activities and thoughts that didn't revolve around the threat of cancer but it was always there in the back of my mind. Sleeping was difficult even though I was totally exhausted.

On the 29th, the pulmonologist finally told my husband, Dave, my sister, Sherry, and I that the diagnosis was adenocarcinoma of the lung. While I certainly wasn't happy with that diagnosis, for some reason I remained calm, probably calmer than I'd been when we arrived for the appointment. At least then I knew what I was facing. The doctor went on to say that he recommended radiation and chemo to attempt to shrink the tumors and then surgery to remove the lung. When I asked him what the survival rate was, he said 15-20% two-year survival. That wasn't exactly encouraging news.

Then I had to do the hardest thing ~ relate this information to my 81 year-old mother, my daughter, Jenn, and my son, John. All along, I've been much more worried about my family than I have about myself. My feeling is that it's easier to die than to be left behind. My mother and Jenn live very near Dave and me ~ well within walking distance; however, John lives in California so my bad news had to be given to him over the phone. They reacted as you would expect, emotionally but still with hope that it could turn out okay. I was calm and optimistic and I think that made it a little bit easier for them.

Since that day, I've met with the radiation oncologist, Dr. Shah, who doesn't feel that surgery is an option and reduced the odds to 10-15% survival. I've also gone through the simulation for radiation therapy. Because my radiation therapist has been so wonderful about explaining everything and answering all of my questions, I don't fear the radiation treatments. I've also met my medical oncologist who agreed with Dr. Shah that surgery is probably not an option. Dr. Mehrotra explained the chemo schedule, proposed two different drug courses and asked me to choose which one I wanted. One is 2-3% more effective but includes the side effects of possible allergic reaction, kidney damage that is not reversible, and some degree of hearing loss. My family and I are still debating which to choose. She also ordered an MRI of the brain and a bone scan to make sure there has been no metastasis, along with some kidney tests. Finally, she ordered the insertion of a med port so that I don't have to be poked each time I have a chemo treatment, and a mediastinoscopy where they make an incision just above your collarbone and insert a special tube into the mediastinum so the surgeon can see the lymph nodes near the heart and biopsy them.

Next, I saw Dr. Holmes, a thoracic surgeon. He concurred with my oncologists that surgery is not an option ~ at least not at this point. He's scheduling the placement of the med port and the mediastinoscopy. I'm a little fearful of the second procedure since it will take place so close to the aorta but everyone assures me Dr. Holmes is an excellent surgeon. Thank goodness I'll get a general anesthesia so I won't know what's going on!

I had the MRI yesterday morning and it wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be. I took a .5 mg tablet of Xanax beforehand as the oncology nurse suggested but I really feel that I would have been fine without it. The MRI tube was not as frightening as I thought and didn't make me feel claustrophobic. I did, however, learn that if you take Xanax at 6:45 in the morning without having enough sleep, you can expect to walk like a drunken sailor and have your mind turn to mush! : )

I feel confident with the facility where I've chosen to receive treatment and I love my two oncologists, Dr. Shah and Dr. Mehrotra. Even though my disease is in Stage 3, they have both assured me that they're going to treat it aggressively and go for the cure. They are both kind and compassionate but still straightforward, which I want. Dr. Mehrotra showed me the chemo room where I'll receive treatment ~ it's bright and cozy with nice reclining chairs for comfort.

I admit I'm afraid of chemo because it's still an unknown to me but I think that fear will pass once I start treatment. I know I'm going to go through a lot of unpleasant symptoms from the treatment but Dr. Mehrotra assures me that they can control most of them and that I won't have to suffer like patients did not that long ago. She told me that when my hair finally grows back in after the chemo, it will be gray. Now, what kind of news is that to give a woman? I was kind of hoping for a nice ash blond! ; )

I believe that once you learn your diagnosis, what's recommended to treat it, choose your facility, treatment and doctors, everything becomes easier. It's the waiting and wondering ~ the uncertainty ~ that threatens to unhinge you. First it's the trauma of waiting to hear the diagnosis, then it's the confusion of choosing where you want to be treated . . . Once those are behind, you can finally become settled and start to feel that you have some control over what's happening. You also have the comfort of knowing there's a team of experts working with and for you.

There's no doubt that lung cancer is scary but you have to remember that, no matter how bad the odds may seem, you can be among that percentage of patients who win! Don't let your mind tell you anything else. I firmly believe that a positive attitude, laughter and humor, along with the determination to keep fighting, makes a huge difference in your outcome.

Not all of my posts will be this long. There may be days when I don't feel well enough to post at all, but I'll be here with you as often as I can be. I hope those of you who are also suffering from lung cancer will visit frequently and that we can share our experiences, pick each other up when one of us is having a bad day, pass along the funny things that happen, and just generally support one another.

Until the next time . . . Remember to think positive thoughts and KNOW you can beat it!