My biggest concern . . . My family.
Yesterday, I concentrated on the more technical issues surrounding my diagnosis. Today, I want to talk more about feelings. Of course, you know they often change from moment to moment. ; ) But there are some that remain pretty constant.
One of those is my concern about my family and what will happen to each of them if I die.
Dave, my husband has been through this battle once already. His first wife died very young of leukemia. I don't think it's fair he has to travel this road again. He is very active in AA and has a lot of support from his friends there. But I worry about him being alone, with only our two Labrador retrievers for company. They're wonderful companions but you can't exactly carry on a conversation with them. : ) He's being very strong for me right now but I worry about that strength continuing if I die. I don't want him to be lonely or feel alone. It hurts me to think of that happening.
My daughter, Jenn, and I have a very special mother-daughter relationship in which we each consider the other our best friend. Jenn is a single mother of three and I've always been there to support her when things got rough. I worry how she would cope without me. Her father and only brother live in California so they can't be here for her in the same way I am. She has many friends, but again, none of them live in this area. I know she has inner strengths and maybe they would grow stronger if she no longer had me to depend upon. I hope with all my heart that's the case.
I also share a wonderful relationship with my son, John. He and I are very close and I know he would be as devastated as Jenn if I don't make it. But his wife, Felicia, and his father are there to support him. I know he'd hate it if his little 3 year-old daughter, Jordan, doesn't have a chance to know me and share her life with me. I worry about the depressions that John suffers now and then ~ I don't like being the cause of it right now. He's strong and he would recover but I know that, like Dave and Jenn, there would be a big void in his life. He and his family are coming to visit next month and I'm really looking forward to that. It will be wonderful to have my whole family together.
As I mentioned yesterday, my mother is 81 years old and in ill health herself. I'm usually the one she turns to if she needs help. I know how horrible it is for a parent to lose a child . . . Even if that child is 62! She and I haven't always seen eye-to-eye on things and there have been some very volatile moments. That doesn't mean we don't love one another but we sure have had our arguments over the years. I'm happy that we're now able to show the love we feel instead of the anger we've often demonstrated. I just worry that my death would cause her to decline rapidly.
Finally, there is my sister, Sherry. We've shared so much over the years even though we haven't always lived close to one another. Right now we are separated by over 250 miles. She's a fourth grade teacher and isn't able to come up here frequently. I know that bothers her a lot now that I'm sick. She wants to be able to go to treatments with me, etc. What she doesn't understand is that she's there in my heart anyway. I can feel her support and that's the important thing. She's very emotional like I am and is taking my diagnosis very hard. She and her husband and two children are very close and I know that even though she would be very sad, she would be okay if something happened to me.
When I cry, it's this I cry about. I don't think I'm afraid to die but I hate the idea of all my loved ones being left behind. I think it's easier to die than to be left. Other than the fear of chemo, this is the thing that bothers me most. This is the worry that springs up most frequently. I don't want these people to suffer because of me. I want them to have happy lives and, of course, I'd like to continue to be part of their lives. But, if I can't be, I want them all to have the support each needs to live without me. I don't mean this in an arrogant way but I know that I'm a very big part of all of their lives and it makes me so sad to think of them grieving my loss.
I hope they all know how much I love each of them and how precious they are to me ~ I hope I've made that clear over the years. I understand how much they love me and that's what hurts so much when I think about dying. I just don't want to leave them behind.
One of those is my concern about my family and what will happen to each of them if I die.
Dave, my husband has been through this battle once already. His first wife died very young of leukemia. I don't think it's fair he has to travel this road again. He is very active in AA and has a lot of support from his friends there. But I worry about him being alone, with only our two Labrador retrievers for company. They're wonderful companions but you can't exactly carry on a conversation with them. : ) He's being very strong for me right now but I worry about that strength continuing if I die. I don't want him to be lonely or feel alone. It hurts me to think of that happening.
My daughter, Jenn, and I have a very special mother-daughter relationship in which we each consider the other our best friend. Jenn is a single mother of three and I've always been there to support her when things got rough. I worry how she would cope without me. Her father and only brother live in California so they can't be here for her in the same way I am. She has many friends, but again, none of them live in this area. I know she has inner strengths and maybe they would grow stronger if she no longer had me to depend upon. I hope with all my heart that's the case.
I also share a wonderful relationship with my son, John. He and I are very close and I know he would be as devastated as Jenn if I don't make it. But his wife, Felicia, and his father are there to support him. I know he'd hate it if his little 3 year-old daughter, Jordan, doesn't have a chance to know me and share her life with me. I worry about the depressions that John suffers now and then ~ I don't like being the cause of it right now. He's strong and he would recover but I know that, like Dave and Jenn, there would be a big void in his life. He and his family are coming to visit next month and I'm really looking forward to that. It will be wonderful to have my whole family together.
As I mentioned yesterday, my mother is 81 years old and in ill health herself. I'm usually the one she turns to if she needs help. I know how horrible it is for a parent to lose a child . . . Even if that child is 62! She and I haven't always seen eye-to-eye on things and there have been some very volatile moments. That doesn't mean we don't love one another but we sure have had our arguments over the years. I'm happy that we're now able to show the love we feel instead of the anger we've often demonstrated. I just worry that my death would cause her to decline rapidly.
Finally, there is my sister, Sherry. We've shared so much over the years even though we haven't always lived close to one another. Right now we are separated by over 250 miles. She's a fourth grade teacher and isn't able to come up here frequently. I know that bothers her a lot now that I'm sick. She wants to be able to go to treatments with me, etc. What she doesn't understand is that she's there in my heart anyway. I can feel her support and that's the important thing. She's very emotional like I am and is taking my diagnosis very hard. She and her husband and two children are very close and I know that even though she would be very sad, she would be okay if something happened to me.
When I cry, it's this I cry about. I don't think I'm afraid to die but I hate the idea of all my loved ones being left behind. I think it's easier to die than to be left. Other than the fear of chemo, this is the thing that bothers me most. This is the worry that springs up most frequently. I don't want these people to suffer because of me. I want them to have happy lives and, of course, I'd like to continue to be part of their lives. But, if I can't be, I want them all to have the support each needs to live without me. I don't mean this in an arrogant way but I know that I'm a very big part of all of their lives and it makes me so sad to think of them grieving my loss.
I hope they all know how much I love each of them and how precious they are to me ~ I hope I've made that clear over the years. I understand how much they love me and that's what hurts so much when I think about dying. I just don't want to leave them behind.
Well, now that I've worked myself into an emotional state and tears are blurring my vision, I think I'd better close this. Maybe giving into a good cry would be therapeutic. ; )
Until next time . . . Keep fighting the fight, no matter what your opponent may be.
posted by Linda @ 7:43 PM
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