Just when you think . . .

I'm finding out just how quickly things can change with this disease. On Tuesday, my doctor called to tell me that, according to the last CT scan, the cancer has spread in my right lung. Instead of being confined to the lower lobe it is now visible in both the middle and upper lobes. Since the CT scan was taken only 2 weeks after the PET scan which didn't indicate this spread, I was totally stunned and felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. So, now instead of being in Stage 3B, I find myself in Stage 4.

The bad news didn't end there. There is a spot on my liver that my oncologist is also concerned about. This spot was evident in my first chest CT but then didn't react to the PET scan and didn't show in the abdominal CT. However, it has raised it's ugly head again and now I have to have another needle biopsy. : ( That has been scheduled for October 31st.

I took this latest news very hard. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing and as Dave wiped them from my cheek's, he said I was making that job endless. His comment did make me laugh a little. Thank God I have so many loving people to support me. I'd be lost without them.

On Thursday, the 26th, I saw my oncologist and she told me that because there is now such a large area of the lung involved, the radiation oncologist doesn't want me to have radiation ~ at least not now. He said that, because the affected area is so large now, there would be a lot of scarring of the lung tissue and I would end up requiring oxygen to breathe. So, the only treatment I will be receiving is chemo. I'll be getting Carboplatin and Docetaxel every 21 days, beginning on November 9th.

I asked Dr. Mehrotra if this meant she was treating my disease less aggressively and she said "certainly not". The reason I will be having fewer treatments, further apart is that the dosage will now be much stronger since I won't be receiving radiation at the same time. She was still very positive but not quite as positive as the last time we met.

I still have the bone scan on Nov. 3rd and she didn't have the results of my brain MRI. I'm praying that there are no cancer cells evident in either of those.

I guess you could say this has been a bad week for me and I'm glad to see it end. Just when I thought my treatment plan was all in order . . . Whammo! But, I suppose that's the nature of this insidious disease. I'm not as devastated as I was on Tuesday. I've been able to lift my spirits almost back to where they were before. I know my attitude will have a great bearing on my outcome.

Yesterday I went to see my priest. I don't feel a close relationship with God like I used to and I wanted to discuss this with Father Anthony. He told me that all Christians go through "dry spells" when God seems very far away and gave me a few ideas of how to bring Him closer again. He also anointed me. That sacrament made me feel much better. This is no time for me to be unable to "feel" God's presence in my life. I'm glad I sought out advice and I'm sure that Father Anthony's suggestions will help me reestablish my relationship with God. Dave and I have decided to start going to mass again and I know that will make a big difference.

Another thing that's helped my spirits is the sunshine we've had for a couple days after a long period of gray skies and rain. Gloomy days didn't use to bother me ~ I thought they were kind of cozy but that seems to have changed since my diagnosis. Now, I would much prefer to see the sun shining.

The thing that bothers me the most is my total lack of energy and extreme tiredness. There are so many things I would like to do and I can't because my body just won't cooperate. I miss walking with my Labs, Chessie and Casey. I know they miss it too. I'm hoping one of these days I'll feel strong enough to get out their leashes and take a nice hike. It would feel so good to feel the breeze against my face ~ I know it would make me feel more normal and alive. Lately, all we've done is go from appointment to appointment and that saps all of my energy. I suppose it will get worse before it gets better but I'm really looking forward to the day when I can do the things I used to without being exhausted.

My mother and my daughter, Jenn, have taken good care of me this week ~ bringing over food and washing my lace curtains. Those curtains were really driving me nuts because it was depressing to look at them in their grimy state! Now they are all fresh and clean and it's a wonderful difference.

Dave, my mom and Jenn all make me feel very loved. I've also spoken with my son, John, and his wife a few times this week and that helps a lot too. Of course, my sister and I talk frequently and I always look forward to those conversations. I feel really blessed to have so many people who care about me. They make it so much easier for me to handle the fact that I have cancer. I know there are those who don't have anyone and I don't know how they manage. My heart goes out to them.

I'm really trying not to let the fact that I have cancer consume my every moment and every thought. There are too many wondrous things to enjoy and I want to be able to do that. Sometimes though, it does overcome me and I wonder how long I'll live and what quality of life I'll have. Sometimes I'm afraid but most of time I'm not. I'm really trying to take it a day at a time and not project into the future or worry about what that may hold. Today is the most important day and if I can enjoy it, then I feel I've won a big battle.

I'd really love it if any of you who are also fighting cancer, would tell me how you make the best of it. I'm sure it would be helpful.

Until next time . . . think happy thoughts!