Sunday morning rambling . . .

Spring continues to gain ground here in Northern Lower Michigan. The lilac bushes are budding, daffodils are blooming and the temperatures are slowly climbing. I think our friendly (and greedy) deer ate all of the tulips since they haven't shown their little heads ~ our woodland pals seem to consider them delectable treats. Dave put the hummingbird feeders out yesterday in preparation for their arrival. He placed one right in the front window where I can watch them from my favorite chair.

It's early Sunday morning and I'm already tired because I didn't sleep well last night . . . again! This seems to be a problem that none of my doctors have been able to do much about. They've tried various sleeping pills and tranquilizers but nothing works well. I guess it's a good thing that I can nap when I need to. But, it is frustrating to wake up several times each night and not be able to fall back to sleep right away. Sometimes I get up and read or play computer games. Sometimes I force myself to just lay there and hope for sleep. Last night there was a full moon (at least it looked pretty full) so at least there was something pretty to look at. : )

I admit I'm very heavy-hearted today because my friend, Debbie, died yesterday morning. She fought a very spirited battle against colon cancer for five years but, in the end, that insidious disease won out. Everyone who knew Debbie thought that if anyone could beat it, she could. So her death leaves me sad, discouraged and a bit depressed. Not only have I lost a friend but I've again seen how powerful cancer is. Debbie had a very positive attitude, was very strong in her faith, lived her life fully during those five years and fought gallantly . . . but it proved not to be enough. My heart goes out to her husband, John, and the rest of her family. Like them, I'll miss her.

On another, more positive note, I had some good news Thursday when I had my lab work. My platelets have rebounded higher than they've been since I started chemo. My white count and hemoglobin are still low but I'm sure they're in the process of rebuilding. By the time I have my treatment on Wednesday, they'll probably be up where they're supposed to be. Just in time for the drugs to knock them down again. LOL However, my oncologist has ordered a Neulasta injection after every treatment now. That will force my bone marrow to build new white cells. That should help a lot and maybe I won't be as tired as I've been.

For someone who hates taking medication of any kind, including simple things like Tylenol, this is quite a change. If you could see all the bottles of pills, liquids and other assorted meds that fill my cupboard, you'd be amazed! And, with the exception of two tablets, they all treat the side effects of one chemo drug or another. It blows my mind! I never imagined I would be taking so many drugs! I know there are people who aren't cancer patients and take more medication than I do but it's hard to believe sometimes! On the days immediately following my treatments, I actually have to write down which med to take when because it gets so confusing. Take this one every 6 hours and this one twice a day and that one 4 times a day. The schedule gets very complicated ~ it's too much for my addled brain! ; ) Thank heaven it's only for a few days!

I've been having a small glass of wine every night. It helps to make food taste better and is also relaxing. I'm not one who is big on alcohol and haven't had more than four or five alcoholic beverages in the past thirty years. So having the wine every night is quite a switch for me. Dave kids me that I'm becoming a wino but I don't think there's much chance of that happening since 5 ounces is my daily limit. But who knows? One day I may really splurge and have 6 ounces!! : )

My granddaughter, Steph, was here the other day. She's the one who told me I looked "weird" with no hair. Six months ago Steph had beautiful sun-streaked light hair, cut in a simple style. Now she has black hair cut in something I can't even describe! Talk about weird! I don't know what gets into teenage girls that they think they have to alter their appearance so drastically. I remember when I was 14 or 15, I talked my mother into letting me bleach my bangs. My friend and I peroxided our bangs and thought we were really daring! Of course, that was in the late 50's which now seems like prehistoric times!

Well guys, I'm getting a little droopy and it's time for a nap. I'm gonna go and wrap up in my afghan, get settled in my comfy recliner and dream happy dreams.

I hope the sun is shining where you are, that you take some time to enjoy life, and that you all have a wonderful day.

Until next time . . . Treat each hour as a treasured gift and the rest will take care of itself.

Better days are coming . . .

It's a beautiful spring day . . . finally. Unfortunately, I'm not able to take full advantage of it. The new course of chemo and I do NOT seem to agree with each other. My blood counts are ALL low, leaving me feeling very weak and tired. It's an effort to walk across the room so going for a nature walk is out of the question right now. Darn! That's why I haven't been posting.

However, "this too shall pass". I saw my oncologist on Wednesday and we decided to forget about these drugs for now. Since I did so well on the first protocol, we're going back to that. I would rather have bone pain for a few days than be so debilitated. So, after a rest from all chemo ~ about another two weeks ~ it will be back to Carboplatin and Taxol.

I don't like what these new drugs have done to me at all. I get short of breath when I do anything and that's a very scary feeling. I was afraid it was due to the tumors but Dr. Mehrotra says it's because of my blood counts being so low. No matter the cause, I don't like feeling this way and having to live like an invalid.

My hair is continuing to come in and my granddaughter, Steph, says I look like a "fuzzy bear". LOL I guess that's better than resembling an alien! The chemo may very well cause it to fall out again but that's still better than being so weak you can hardly breathe if you walk 10 feet.

All of this has caused me to realize how much we take for granted when we're well. I never thought to thank God for being able to walk from one part of house to the other without becoming winded or for getting up from a chair without getting lightheaded.

Ann Stewart sent me this quote in an email today:

"If you don't feel grateful for what you have, what makes you think you'll be happy with more?"
- Unknown Source

It came at the perfect time for me. I've always tried to be grateful for what I have but sometimes we just don't realize ALL that we have until we have to do without it for awhile. This past week has certainly served as a wake-up call for me. If you think about your life, I think you'll find a whole lot you take for granted every day. Don't!

For most of this week, I've done nothing but vegetate so you can imagine how many times Jenn has called me an RPIA!! LOL I'm just grateful that she and Dave have so much patience and don't resent waiting on me. I don't know what I would've done without their help. It just goes to show that no matter how independent we think we are, there are times when we all need other people to help us get through a particular situation. I am so thankful for my people.

So . . .

Even though I can't go out and take a walk, I can sit on the deck and delight in the warm breezes. I can rejoice in the fact that the sky is a clear blue without any sign of snow! LOL I can enjoy having windows open and airing winter from the house. I can listen to the birds singing and watch the deer drinking from our pond (and occasionally taking a nip from our shrubs). I can watch Casey jump into the pond for a quick swim and then feel the water spray all over me as he shakes himself dry.

Yup, there are lots of things to be grateful for . . .

Including all of you who read this blog, send me cards and emails, call me, and make me feel so special. Thanks for caring.

That's about it for today . . . I need to rest now.

Until next time . . . Look for your blessings.

A beautiful Sunday . . .

Sorry about yesterday, guys . . . it was one of my bad days. I didn't sleep well the night before and woke up very tired. Then I had to go and have an MRI because of some balance problems I experienced a few weeks ago. By the time I got home from the hospital, I was exhausted.

If any of you ever have to have an MRI, don't be afraid. It really isn't all that bad. I'm a bit claustrophobic but the MRI tube doesn't bother me. The first time I had one I took a mild tranquilizer just in case but this time I didn't . . . still no problems. The worst thing about the MRI is the noise the machine makes. It's so loud they give you earplugs to safeguard your hearing. It sounds kind of like a sadistic dentist going crazy with a drill. : ) The only other thing is that it's a little uncomfortable to remain in the same position for the entire test. However, if you move, you have to start all over again. The easiest thing is to just close your eyes and take yourself to someplace relaxing ~ that way the time passes much more quickly. They give you a little emergency button to use if you get scared or become uncomfortable about anything at all. If you push it, they take you out immediately.
I had heard all kinds of horror tales about MRI's before I had my first one and I was prepared for the worst . . . that never came. Believe me, I'm not the most courageous person when it comes to medical tests and if I can get through it with no trouble, you can too.

Now, today is another day. Most of the snow is finally melting. It's only visible now under trees and other places where the sun can't reach it. Some of the snow banks created from plowing are still there but they won't last long if the sun continues shining. The sky is clear and a beautiful blue. I can see squirrels scampering around and the birds are singing ~ a sure sign that real spring is not far away. It's still a little brisk but I think we're supposed to have warmer temperatures this coming week. That will be a real gift!

Before I forget, I want to ask you guys for your help. Debbie Relias is an old friend of mine. We worked together for several years and have kept in touch since. Debbie has been fighting colon cancer for the past five years and has remained amazingly strong and positive throughout surgeries, chemo treatments, and all the other stuff that comes with cancer. She suffered a set back a couple of weeks ago and things aren't going well right now. She lives near Ft. Myers, Florida and I know she and her husband, John, would appreciate all of your prayers. Debbie is a wonderful woman and if you could please add her to your list, I know it will help a lot. Thanks. : )

I know this is short but sometimes it really hurts my back to sit at the computer and this is one of those times. So, I'm going to close for now and go get comfy in my recliner chair. Maybe I'll read a book and just relax for awhile. I hope all of you can find time today to spend a few minutes doing something you enjoy too.

'til next time . . . Treat yourselves well.

Back once more . . .

See, I told you I'd be back today but I bet you didn't believe me. I can't blame you for that ~ I haven't been too reliable . . . but, I'm really going to try hard to change that bad habit.

Today, I want to talk a little about some decisions I've made concerning my business. I've decided to give up copywriting. It's simply too taxing now and I don't want to devote that much time and energy to it. Even more importantly, I've decided that writing for Internet marketing is not the kind of writing I want to do. In a short time, I will be removing my Stress-Free Copy site from the net. That means that All the Write Stuff will come down too. At the present time, I don't want to commit to a regular ezine. I never know how I'm going to feel and I don't want the pressure of having to meet a schedule. Publishing in any other way is simply not fair to subscribers. So, even though I'll miss the ezine a lot ~ it was fun to do ~ it's out of the picture for the time being. That's not to say that I might not return later with another ezine with a little different content.

Because the Stress-Free Copy Site is coming down, that domain email will no longer exist. I've already notified many of you about the new address. If you haven't received that information and want to know where you can reach me, other than at this blog, please email me within the next week and I'll give it to you. I don't want to list it here because I'd like the new address to be as free from spam as I can make it. I've found that spammers even use blogs to get their word out so I'm not going to make it easy for them. ; ) I'm sorry for the inconvenience but I'm tired of searching through several hundred pieces of junk mail to reach the messages I want to read. I'm sure you can identify with that. : )

Continuing along a different vein . . .

I don't know about where you guys are but the winter here has been terribly long! Here it is April 13th and we still have snow on the ground with more in the forecast. I can't say that I haven't enjoyed most of it but, c'mon, enough is enough. Just when it seemed that spring had arrived and the flowers started poking up their happy little heads, we were hit with several snowstorm. It's been very disheartening! Even for someone like me who enjoys the beauty of winter, it's gotten just a bit old.

Jenn and I had started walking and had to call a halt to that because of the cold temperatures, wind and ice. I haven't gotten much exercise all winter and my muscles are getting very weak and stiff. I need to get out and move! Who knows, walking may even help with this excess of fat I'm currently plagued with. I can't walk too fast but anything has to be better than nothing. Besides, I've missed being out there in the fresh air with all of nature's wonders only a touch away. So, I'm hoping this is winter's last hurrah and that spring will finally come for real.

Getting outside is even more important for me right now because, due to my low blood counts, I'm forbidden to go anywhere there are lots of people. That pretty much includes stores, restaurants, movies and any other thing you can think of. About the only place I go is to the Cancer Institute for my weekly regimen, tests, or doctor appointments. It gets kind of boring to say the least. While I'm basically a homebody, this has been a bit extreme. LOL However, I have now seen almost all of the Law and Order shows I missed the first time around, as well as the ER reruns from back when all the good people were still on. Now I'm waiting for the West Wing reruns! The only thing daytime TV is good for is reruns. ; )

Jenn is knitting baby afghans and blankets to sell and I've been helping her out with that. I think I've knitted about 6 or 7 so far. I have to do the easy ones though because my "chemo brain" tends to get confused if the pattern is too complicated. Of all the side effects of chemo, I think that bothers me the most. I try hard to keep exercising my brain so that I don't become a worse dullard than I already have. I play a lot of word games and that kind of thing to keep my brain functioning on something other than TV reruns. LOL My medical people tell me that this symptom goes away after you've been off chemo for a while but I don't know how long that is and it seems that chemo is going to be a pretty large part of my life from here on.

Unless one of the new technologies turns out to be a cure, there is none for me. As my oncologist tells me, we hope for remissions but, eventually, the tumors will come back. She says we just have to keep chasing them with whatever means we have. That's why cancer is no longer considered so much a terminal disease as a chronic disease. But new things are being discovered all the time and so we just have to keep hoping. I read things all the time that sound very promising so I don't have a fatalistic attitude about my disease. As I've said all along, "it is what it is and we just have to deal with it". There are worse things!

I've had a few bad moments but I have to say that I've kept them at a minimum. Mostly they come when I allow myself to get frustrated by the little things. I have to keep telling myself, like I tell everyone else . . . "don't sweat the small stuff and everything is small stuff". I heard that in some movie and have adapted it to my own life. It really makes sense when you think about it. Think back to things that were happening in your life a few years ago, things that had you all tied in knots. How much do those things matter today? If you're still fighting the same battles, it's probably time to get help managing the issues. But most of the time, what seemed so important three years ago isn't very important at all today. So, in the grand scheme of things, and in retrospect, it was just small stuff even though it seemed gigantic then.

Jenn is here so I'll have to continue this tomorrow. I have to go and play my role as RPIA. LOL LOL

Until tomorrow . . . Don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff.

Here I am ~ finally . . .

Once again I must apologize to you, my wonderful friends, for my long absence! I have no excuse for not posting, I haven't been too sick, haven't been traveling without access to my computer, haven't been too busy, and, most definitely haven't forgotten about all of you!

I have been reading, knitting, spending time with my family, watching winter turn into spring and back to winter again, watching deer drink from our pond, listening to the birds sing when the days are good, ending the first course of chemo treatment and starting the second. And, I have been delighting in doing things that make my daughter, Jenn, laughingly call me a RPIA (for those of you who are uninitiated, that means Royal Pain In the A - - !) LOL

Let's get the medical stuff out of the way first. Last month I finished the first chemo protocol. I then had CT scans of the thorax (chest), head, abdomen and pelvis. The scan showed that the tumors have continued to shrink. Hooray! There are no new tumors! For a couple of weeks I just received one drug, Avastin, which is not technically a chemo drug although it is administered the same way. It's a targeted antibody which zeroes in on the tumors and cuts them off from healthy tissue, thereby cutting off their blood supply and, hopefully, killing them.

Last week I started the second protocol of drugs and am now receiving Navelbene and Gemzar once a week for two weeks and then a week off. These drugs are supposed to have fewer side effects and, therefore, not affect the quality of my life so adversely. That will still have to be proven to me. LOL They don't cause the awful bone pain I had with the first course but they do make me very tired and weak because they reduce the number of white cells and platelets. Today I only received 75% of the normal treatment because my platelets were so low. Hopefully, those will have time to rebound in time for my treatment on April 26th.

Dr. Mehrotra, my oncologist, gave me a choice of taking a little vacation from chemo or continuing on. I decided to keep going because the tumors are continuing to shrink and I didn't want to give them a chance to gain a stronghold again. The vacation would have been nice but I need to look at the "big picture".

My hair is growing back but one of the drugs I just started may cause it to fall out again. However, for the time being I have visible hair that seems about the color of what fell out originally. It feels so good to run my hand across my head and feel actual hair. It seems to grow longer and thicker every day. At first it was just little baby fuzz but now it's becoming quite noticeable.

I've had a few ailments as a result of the chemo drugs but nothing that hasn't been manageable. I did have two bouts with hives which no one can explain. I did some research and found that most hives come about for no detectable reason. Contrary to popular opinion, they are not necessarily an allergic reaction to something. I was quite surprised to learn that.

I've gained 14 pounds since my diagnosis and, if you remember, I wasn't pleased with my weight back then! So, you can imagine how I feel about it now. I now know how it feels to be a beached whale! One day when my stomach was especially large, I told Dave that I looked like the old, fat Elvis. That isn't a goal I to which I ever particularly aspired! My medical team keeps blaming the steroids I take with my treatments but that doesn't change the fact that I'm rotund! If I had a choice between being fat and being bald . . . I would definitely choose being bald. Being plagued with both of them is just way unfair!!

The only good thing about the extra weight is that the fat has filled in all the wrinkles on my face. At my last appointment, Dr. Mehrotra said something about me being in my 40's. I laughed thinking she was kidding. Actually, she was quite sincere and insisted upon checking my medical record before she believed I was 62. Wonder what will happen if the fat cells go away? Will my face fall into rows of wrinkles? That isn't a pretty picture. ; )

I don't know if I told you that I finally lost my eyebrows and eyelashes. Let me tell you that lashless eyes are very prone to getting foreign objects in them! I've been amazed at what a drastic difference in makes. So . . . don't take those eyelashes for granted! Of course, it doesn't take me long at all to get ready to go somewhere these days. Since I don't have to worry about makeup or doing my hair, I'm ready in a flash! I never have a bad hair day or, maybe, they're all bad hair days. LOL

One day I tried drawing eyebrows on and that was a total disaster. I did it with an eyebrow pencil and, not only couldn't I get them even, whenever I touched my forehead with my fingers, the pencil smeared. I was quite a sight and decided to go without brows from then on. It only adds to the alien persona I'm trying to perfect! : )

Well guys, I'm getting a little tired so the rest of our catch-up will have to wait until tomorrow. It's time for me to take a nap but I still have lots to tell you.

In the meantime, thanks for your calls, cards, emails and, especially your warm, healing thoughts and your prayers. You make my life especially full!

Until then . . . Count your blessings.