Catnaps in the fog . . .

It appears that I'm back in my low energy mode, at least for the time being. I'm sure that's a result of my white count dropping last week. Now my bone marrow has to work really hard to produce more. I've been cat-napping a lot. If I'm not up and moving, it seems like I'm nodding off. But, my body needs rest in order to continue its fight so I don't feel guilty about it. This is probably the only time in my life when no one will blame me for being lazy. ; )

It appears our sunny, warm weather is over. Today, while still warm, was very foggy. I couldn't believe how much worse it got in just a couple of hours this afternoon. It was a great day for cuddling up with my afghan and taking naps. Tomorrow is supposed to be much colder and then we're getting snow again at the end of the week.

My son is coming in from California on Friday and I have a feeling he won't be happy to see the snow and feel the frigid temps. After spending the last 12 years in Southern California, he isn't at all acclimated to our weather anymore. John said he doesn't even have a winter coat anymore so I promised that the only time he'll have to experience the cold is going to and from the car. He was born and raised in this climate so I always tell him he's turned into a wimp where weather is concerned. ; )

I have my second chemo treatment on Thursday, unless my white count interferes, and I'm hoping it goes as uneventfully as the first. I now know I'll be wired from the steroids on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and that I can expect not to sleep much. Since John will be here on Friday night I won't have to worry about late night company since he'll still be on Pacific time and will probably stay up with me. I can hardly wait to have some good, long talks like we used to!

Jenn finished the hat she was knitting for me so now I have something cute to hide my bald head when I don't feel like wearing the wig. There are still quite a few of those straggling hairs that are very determined to hold on so Jenn trimmed them all to about a quarter inch. They aren't quite as ugly that way. Now one of my favorite pastimes is brushing my bare head because it feels so good. My scalp is quite itchy and that brush feels glorious. Who would ever think that brushing your scalp would provide such enjoyment??

I guess it just shows how much life can change and that we have to be adaptable to its changes. I'm actually getting used to seeing that little alien with the big eyes in the mirror every day! Without hair, it seems like your eyes grow larger. I still have eyebrows and lashes and will be sad when they fall out. I think that will bother me more than losing my hair. But, that' s really a minor thing in the grand scheme of things too. While cancer patients want to look good too, I can't imagine one who would prefer hair over health.

Isn't it funny how priorities change?

Until next time . . . Don't be afraid of change.

It's all gone . . .

What a day this has been! When I got up this morning, I scared myself silly! I had little tufts of hair all over my head along with great big bald spots. I looked like some scary creature I've seen in the movies or on TV but I can't think of his name. I decided that I couldn't look like that so I pulled all the hair out that wanted to come out and was left with just some stragglers on top. LOL It really looked quite comical. I also discovered that hair really does keep your head warm! I got cold and had to put on a winter knit hat.

Later, Jenn decided she wanted to knit me a hat so we went to the yarn shop and got yarn and a pattern. The ladies who work there were great and it turns out that one of them is a 4-year breast cancer survivor. She gave me a lot of tips as well as being very helpful picking out a pattern. Jenn and I had a lot of fun.

I get to be chauffeured because the driver's side shoulder belt goes right across the incision for my medi-port. However, we took the dressing off yesterday, as instructed, and it looks really good. It also feels a lot better without the big old bandage. It doesn't hurt at all now unless I accidentally rub it or something.

This afternoon, the wig I ordered a few days ago arrived and we had fun with that. It's going to take a little while to get used to having it on my head and I probably won't wear it all the time but it has a bit more style than the bald look. ; ) Dave really likes it and so do Jenn and my mother. Stephie, my 13 year-old granddaughter told me I look weird but John, who's 9, said it looked just like my "other" hair. I'll tell you, this is the first time in my life I've had "hair" that will actually do what I want it too. That can't be bad! I kind of felt like I'd been to the salon for styling and color!

Today was an absolutely beautiful day with temps in the 50s and lots of sunshine. It was a perfect day to go on an outing. The fresh air felt wonderful! It was also fun to do something different. Lately, it seems like anytime I go anywhere, there are medical personnel involved ~ this was a pleasant change. It's called living life like normal, healthy people and I intend to do a lot more of it.

My friend, Elaine, sent me this quote and I think it's beautiful:

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars."
- Og Mandino

Isn't that a lovely concept? Sometimes we tend to forget that without darkness, light would mean nothing . . . Without tears, laughter wouldn't be as joyous . . . Without pain, we'd never appreciate feeling good . . . And, without difficulties, we would never grow. So, when things aren't going the way we'd like, we'd be wise to stop and consider all the goodness in our lives, focus on that and get through the bad times as quickly and as positively as possible. I truly believe that's how we live happy, fulfilled lives.

Until next time . . . Live each moment with joy in your heart.

We gather together . . .

Happy Thanksgiving to each and every one of you! I hope you take the time to count your blessings and when you do, you discover a humongously long list of things for which to show your gratitude. I know my list is long and I thank God for all He has given me. All of you are on that list ~ I appreciate you more than I can say.

I've no doubt that this Thanksgiving will be especially poignant for my family and me. I think we've all learned never to take anything for granted. Once, you do that, you begin to more fully realize the importance of every moment you're given. Considering everything, we have too many blessings to count.

Well, guys, yesterday was an eventful day. It started early in the morning when I washed my hair and found it falling everywhere! Yup, I'm going to be bald very soon! It was quite a shock to realize that so much could fall out at once. By the end of the day, the quantity of my hair was reduced by about two-thirds or maybe three-fourths! I'm shedding worse than Chessie and Casey! I had asked the chemo nurses when to expect this and they said two weeks after treatment and they were right on the money!

How do I feel about it? Well, I've no doubt that looking at a bald head in the mirror is going to be a shock at first. However, there are hats, scarves, wigs, etc. It's only an external change. The thing I'm much more concerned about is what change the chemo is having on the cancer cells inside. If I have to lose my hair to destroy those, it will be more than worth it. I know that my family and friends will still love me, bald or not, so what difference does it really make? While my vanity may receive a little kick in the butt, a simple thing like hair loss certainly isn't going to ruin my day. It reminds me of a little story that was going around last summer:

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

"Well", she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today". So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.

"Hummm," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today". So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.

"Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail". So she did and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day, she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.

"YEAH!", she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

Attitude is everything....

At 6:15, with or without hair, I had to go have my medi-port implanted. It all went without incident. Once in the operating room, the anesthetist said, "Now I'm putting an oxygen mask on your face. Goodnight." That's the last thing I remember until I woke up in the recovery room. While the wound looks terrible ~ all bruised and ugly ~ it isn't particularly painful. It is sore and there are things I can't do with my left arm but, all in all, it really isn't too bad. And . . . since it's my left arm . . . later today, I'll still be able to fork lots of turkey into my mouth. ; )

Whether you're celebrating Thanksgiving or not, have a blessed day.

Until next time . . . Always show your gratitude.

Clean dogs, oddities and sunrises . . .

Now, not only do we have a clean house and the laundry caught up . . . We have two shiny clean dogs with short nails! Yup, Chessie and Casey went to the groomer yesterday. It must have been quite an adventure because as soon as they got home, after prancing around and showing me how beautiful they looked with their snowman bandanas, they crashed on the floor and didn't even beg to be fed for hours and hours.

They love the bathing process itself but they aren't fond of the high powered fans that are used to dry them. That's odd when you think about it. Put them in the car with an open window, drive along the freeway at 70 miles per hour, they blissfully hang their heads out in the wind and love every minute of it. But, turn a fan on them and they hate it! I guess humans aren't the only ones who don't make a lot of sense sometimes! LOL

In fact, we're probably the most self-contradictory species of all.

We go to a restaurant and order a cheeseburger, fries and a diet soda.
We take an evening walk for exercise and end up at the ice cream store.
We complain about our government and then don't vote.
We teach our children the importance of honesty and keep the extra $10 bill we're given in error.
We emphasize the need to be truthful and then lie about why we can't go to the family reunion.
We workout, eat healthy foods and smoke.
We go to church and then ignore those who need our help.
We say "all men are created equal" but tell racial and ethnic jokes.
We crave acceptance but don't accept those who are different from us.
We say "beauty is only skin deep" and spend millions of dollars on cosmetic surgery.
We gather together to celebrate Thanksgiving and end up arguing with Uncle Joe.
We move to a rural area to enjoy nature and complain about the wild life eating our plants.

Yeah, we're a strange group all right.

There are certain advantages to getting up before the birds. I just witnessed the most beautiful sunrise I've seen in ages. The sky fairly exploded with many different shades of pink that wound their way into and around the dark blue background, gradually overcoming it and spreading it's beauty across the entire eastern sky. It was one of those events that you just know will remain in your mind all day. And, you also know a day that starts out so beautifully is certain to bring even greater things. Such a lovely sight makes you feel good inside and instills a sense of well-being. It's more than worth getting up early to experience.

I feel really fortunate that I have the time to stop what I'm doing and enjoy things like sunrises and sunsets. It's those kinds of things that make life so special. Don't be in such a hurry that you miss them. If serious illness teaches you anything, it's to glory in the moment at hand, to reach out and draw it all to you.

I may not be with you tomorrow or Thanksgiving Day. I'm finally having the medi-port implanted tomorrow and I'm told that my arm with be a bit sore for a couple of days. So, if it hurts to type, I won't be here. In case I'm not, have a very grateful Thanksgiving and enjoy the turkey!

Until next time . . . Life is precious, don't let it pass by without noticing its wonders.

Just for Fleecie . . .

My daughter-in-law, Fleecie, aka Felicia, was born and bred in San Diego. And while she has seen snow in the mountains, she has never really experienced the snow falling.

In January, she and my 3 year-old granddaughter, Jordan, will be coming to visit. Her greatest wish is that it snow while she's here so she can finally feel it falling on her.

This is how our backyard looked a couple of weeks ago and this is what I hope Fleecie will experience during her visit. What fun it will be to watch her and Jordan out playing in mounds of that white stuff. Fleecie thinks she'll frolic like a child in the snow but I have a feeling she'll be more than ready for a cup of hot chocolate when she comes inside. (This is a woman who wears flannel pj's during the mild winters in Southern California!)

So, Fleecie, we'll do our best to have a snowstorm during your visit!

Turn your thoughts into miracles . . .

It's not light out yet and here I am again ~ quiet house, candle burning, lamp on low. I think it's becoming the favorite part of my day. It gives me time to sort out my thoughts with no distractions. It's the perfect time to write to you.

My sister, Sherry, is full of surprises! She and her husband, Chuck, drove all the way to have dinner with us last night! We had a great time as always. As I looked around the table where Dave, Chuck, Sherry, and my mother sat, I thought how very blessed I am.

Yes, I may have cancer but I also have love, understanding, and a sense of belonging, of being cared about and cared for. The last of those are surely stronger than any disease and they make up the foundation that keeps me strong and positive. I could dwell on the mutinous cells inside my body, but why, when there are so many other wonderful things in my life that deserve much more attention?

Cancer can ravage my body but unless I allow it to invade and control my thoughts, it has little power over me. It can make me sick but it can't change my attitude unless I allow it. It can cause bodily pain but it can't touch the wonder of being loved. It can try to kill me but it can't destroy my spirit. So who is really the strongest? Who is in control?

Cancer is a scary word that makes most of us tremble inside. It's a dreaded diagnosis. But let's not give it more power than it actually has. Sometimes it has better odds of winning than we do, sometimes it does win ~ but it doesn't have to. We can make cancer our life or we can live a life that includes cancer. That choice is ours.

A friend sent the following to me and I want to share it with you.

HEAVEN #2183 (Correct Number) Powerful Thoughts November 15, 2006

God said:

Whatever you are doing with your thoughts, you are doing with your life. Your thoughts are the inciters and enrichers of your life. Your thoughts are your advance guard, and then you follow. Your thoughts wend their way through your life. In a sense, they pursue you, at the same time as they lead you. Now is time to set your thoughts straight.

Pull down from Heaven thoughts that benefit. I don’t mean wishful thinking. I mean pulling down useful spirit-raising thoughts. Accept no less.

Consider your thoughts like clothes you hang on the line. Whatever clothes you hang up, those are the clothes you will take down. Those are the clothes you will fold, put in a basket, and carry home with you. The thoughts you put out are the thoughts that you take home with you.

What thoughts do you want to have? Then have them. Discard unwelcome thoughts. Take on thoughts that meet your requests.

One thought follows another. This you know well. Your mind is always rambling on. Now point your thoughts in a direction. Your thoughts are like children. Tell them which way they should go.

Heretofore, you have sorted people and countries. Now I suggest that you sort your thoughts. Make two categories. Thoughts that you greet with open arms, and thoughts you step aside from. You do not have to welcome every thought that comes. You can send it on its way, or you can stop it in its tracks. You can substitute one thought for another. Accept only the very best.

When you eat strawberries, you don’t eat the ones that won’t taste good.

You don’t eat burnt toast.

You don’t spread your bread with spoiled butter.

You would not accept broken merchandise from the store.

You would not eat food off the floor.

Yet you would accept tainted thoughts, down-turning thoughts, thoughts with rough edges, thoughts that will cause you discomfort, thoughts with only three legs that will unbalance you, thoughts that you would not want to pass on to your children, yet you will pick up thoughts from off the floor, and pop them into your head.

Request the thoughts you want. Ask for them.

When you are in a hotel, and you have room service, and you order one thing, and they bring you another, you send the food back. There is nothing you have to accept as if you have no say.

It is unlikely that you will get the best without asking for the best.

Why should you not have the best, most forward-moving, most uplifting thoughts in the world? They are free. They are for all, the wealthy as well as the poor. The powerful thoughts are for everyone as well, not only the mighty. Perhaps the mighty are mighty because they chose powerful hard-working thoughts that surmount obstacles.

You have been inculcated to expect obstacles. Now expect miracles instead. Call them to you, not in desperation, but as you might call a dear friend to your side. Call up miracles. Your thoughts will call them to you. The vibration of your thoughts will call them to you. Miracles will rush to you. They are lined up waiting for you to catch them.

They have wanted you to till your mind as a farmer tills the soil. Be ready for miracles, and miracles you will have. When I suggest that you settle for only the best, what can I be talking about but miracles, that which you call miracles, which are only, after all, the return of the line you cast into the waters.

Copyright © 1999-2006 Heavenletters™
www.heavenletters.org

You're only powerless if you think you are! No matter what battle you're fighting ~ illness, overwhelming debt, loss of direction, sorrow, lack of confidence, loss of faith ~ expect miracles and you'll receive them.

Until next time . . . Expect and accept only the best.

Early morning meanderings . . .

Hi Guys! Here it is 5:00 in the morning and, for some unknown reason, I'm awake! This has been happening a lot lately ~ it seems my body is determined to wake up much too early. It's quiet ~ Dave, Chessie and Casey are all fast asleep. The only sound I hear is the hum of the furnace. It's very dark outside ~ not even the moon is visible. I just lit my favorite candle ~ Christmas Tree ~ which has a wonderful pine aroma mixed with other scents that makes it very special. I have the light turned low and, all in all, have a very cozy feeling.

As I mentioned before, two lovely ladies cleaned our house on Wednesday and now it sparkles again. On Thursday, Dave and Jenn took the languishing laundry to the laundromat and washed and folded it all. So now I have a wonderful feeling of well-being. Everything is in it's place! It's amazing how much all this has improved my attitude. I think maybe it has something to do with feeling in control again. I look around the house and think, yeah, I can do little things, a bit at a time, to keep things in order. Before, what needed to be done was so overwhelming that I found it depressing.

I don't think that's a feeling that only strikes the ill. In our everyday lives if we allow things to get away from us, to become too overwhelming, we fall into a state similar to paralysis. The tasks that confront us seem so daunting that we're reluctant to tackle them. And, of course, the longer we put off starting, the worse things become. But, once we work to get everything in order again, it isn't that hard to keep up with what we need to do. In my case, I had my angels to make things easy for me. I feel very fortunate.

On the way to the Cancer Institute for my weekly blood draw on Thursday, I was telling Dave just how lucky I feel to have so many people to help and support me. I was thinking of all those poor souls who have no one and how difficult it would be to face this fight alone. I can't even imagine how hard that would be. Knowing that you have people who are there for you makes all the difference in the world. Whether the battle is illness or any other of life's big potholes, we need to be surrounded by those who love us and who care what happens to us.

Sometimes, we may suffer alone because our pride won't allow us to ask for help. But I've found that there are many, many people who are just waiting to be helpful. I think there is an innate kindness in most people and they really want to do what they can to make life easier for others. I don't think there is reason for any of us to face difficulties alone. Sometimes all you need is a person to talk with. Other times you may need the opinion of others to help you make an informed decision. At still other times, just a gentle touch from another person makes you feel better. I guess what I'm saying is that we shouldn't be reluctant to accept the help and kindness of others. Trying to be too self-sufficient can be hazardous to your health and happiness.

My blood tests were all within normal range and my chemo nurse was happy. She told me to keep on doing whatever I'm doing. My white count has, of course, fallen but it must still be what they consider normal a week after chemo. Forunately I didn't have to have any of the injections they give when the counts are off.

There was another patient getting his chemo treatment and he had a big button on the front of his shirt which read, "Cancer Sucks". It made me laugh. He said his mother had sent it to him and he was going to go on the Internet and order a dozen of them. You have to have a sense of humor to play in this league. LOL

Before I close this post, I want to thank all the people who have added sunshine to my life this week ~ there are too many of them to mention but they know who they are!

Dave, Mom, Jenn, John, Sherry ~ you're the greatest!

Until next time . . . Look for the kindness that surrounds you.

How could I forget . . . ??

I was so busy complaining about all my aches and pains yesterday, that I forgot to tell you some really good news! We received the results of the bone scan on Monday and the test was NEGATIVE! My family and I were so relieved. That means the only fronts we have to battle are in the lung and the slight involvement of the liver. Every good piece of news should be celebrated and I can't imagine how I could have overlooked telling you. Maybe my scare on Monday short circuited by brain temporarily!!

After weeks of watching the condition of our house deteriorate, Dave and I made the decision to hire a cleaning lady until I'm back on my feet again. She and her partner are coming today! I'm so excited! I've always taken pride in my home and it's been very depressing to see it in such need of TLC! I know I don't have the energy to keep it looking the way I want it to and, since Dave is disabled from his accident almost two years ago, it's been like "the blind leading the blind" as far as cleaning goes. Soon we'll be able to look around and see shiny, clean things again instead of an army of dust bunnies invading. You have no idea what an uplifting affect that will have on my spirits! The only bad thing is that I'm embarrassed to have the ladies see my house in such disarray! ; ) I know that's silly but . . .

So, this is a red letter day at the Offenheiser home! Tonight we plan to sit in front of the fire and watch the flames reflect on all those shiny surfaces! LOL Small things can make such a difference.

The other day I received an email that I'm going to pass on here. With cold and flu season upon us, I think this is important ~ consider it a public service announcement!

Beware of Zicam

I need to warn you about a product on the market and hopefully you will pass it on to as many people as possible. I felt like I was coming down with a cold last Friday and because I'm around sick family members so much I wanted possibly head it off. I used Zicam, which is a gel nose spray which claims to keep a cold from becoming "full blown." Immediately I had an intense, horrible burning in my nasal/sinus passages. The skin on my face hurt to touch and I had pain and burning so that it hurt to move my head. My husband was here and kept asking if I wanted to go to the ER but the thought of getting in a car was overwhelming. My face was burning hot and my nasal passages were so swollen that I couldn't breathe through my nose and I could see the swelling when I looked in the mirror. It lasted for about three hours and it was Labor Day weekend and I couldn't see a Dr. until Tuesday. I have seen two ENT specialists in the last two days because I have lost, totally lost all ability to taste or smell. They both told me the same thing and suggested an immediate course of action. This is called "chemical trauma' and most times is permanent. I'm going to have a CT scan on Monday and am on a high dose of the steroid, Prednisone for two weeks. If there is even a thread of the olfactory nerve left, it will help to rejuvenate what is left. I have been on the Internet (just put in Zicam) and there are hundreds of people who have had this happen. I am so angry and devastated and saddened right now that I don't know how to get through this. I cannot handle the thought of never tasting food again or trying a new recipe or smelling a Thanksgiving turkey. Cooking has been an absolute passion of mine for as long as I can remember and at the moment I don't see the point of even putting dressing on a salad. I keep thinking that this cannot be happening to me. I suck on a lemon, bite down on a clove of garlic, smell a bottle of ammonia, nail polish remover, anything. I'm starting by telling people I love. PLEASE don't use Zicam, tell your friends.

Some sites to check this out:
http://www.zicam-cold-eeze-lawyers.com
http://www.adrugrecall.com/zicam/zicam.html
http://www.homeowatch.org/legal/zicam.html
http://www.zicamsideeffects.com/


I'm sure not everyone suffers these horrible side effects but is it really worth taking a chance?

That's it for me, for now. It's time to take a shower and get this day rolling.

Until next time . . . Celebrate every good thing that comes your way.

Just another day in "Chemoville" . . .

Hi Guys! This is probably going to be a short post today because the ugly old chemo "side effect bug" has struck! ; ) But I did want to let you know what's going on.

I was supposed to have my medi-port implanted yesterday but when I went to see my doctor beforehand, she sent me to the ER because of severe abdominal pain instead. Dave and I were there almost all day while they scanned and "dopplered" me. The CT scan indicated I had a blood clot but then when they did the Doppler utrasound in turned out not to be the case. Thank God and all his angels! Evidently the CT scan was a false positive. I was pretty nervous there for awhile but, Dave kept me on an even keel and didn't allow me to panic as I would have if left to my own devices.

Everyone in the ER was extremely nice and professional so the experience wasn't neartly as bad as it could have been. It turns out that the most likely culprit is constipation which was probably caused by the drug I took to prevent nausea and vomiting. LOL You just can't win sometimes! : ) It turns out I also have a sinus infection and thrush in my mouth. So, armed with three different prescriptions, we finally got to come home.

Besides the abdominal pain, I've been experiencing a lot of bone pain. It makes me feel about 90 years old. But then again, as John, my son, pointed out a few nights ago ~ it will only be 28 years until I AM 91! I thought it was nice of him to let me know that, don't you? ; )

Anyway, I'm doing fine but lying a little low with the heating pad for company. Cancer treatment is definitely not for wimps! I knew going in there were bound to be days like this so it doesn't come as any big surprise. However, I am looking forward to feeling good again and being able to walk without hobbling!

I've gotten all kinds of great cards and gifts from my friends which really makes me feel a whole lot better. People really are wonderful! Elaine sent me a collection of Steve Goodier's books and, if you've never read him, I recommend him highly. He writes in an easy, spiritual way that really can be profound. So, when you're in need of inspiration, check Steve out. Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to email, send cards, call, offer gifts and special masses and, of course, prayers, etc.~ I appreciate you all so much!

Driving home from the Seton Cancer Institute late yesterday afternoon was really beautiful. It started snowing huge flakes and everything was coated (except the road, fortunately) with white, downy blankets. It's scenes like that which remind me how much I love living up here in the middle of the "boondocks".

Later on the in the evening, we sat and watched the snow come down and talked about our hectic, tense day. Both dogs were asleep and it was so very peaceful. It was a lovely ending to a stress-filled day.

Until next time . . . Find peace and beauty in simple things.

Just one of those days . . .

I have to admit that I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity for a time yesterday. As I was reading all the literature I received from the chemo staff, I was overcome with all the things that will now have to be part of my daily routine. There are so many side-effects of chemo to protect against or be aware of that I began to get a little depressed . . . infections, mouth sores, hand-foot syndrome, effects on nerves and muscles, intestinal problems, central nervous system effects, skin and nail problems, hot flashes ~ ad infinitum, ad nauseam.

Now, when looked at rationally, many patients never experience these and there is nothing to say I will. Even if I do, aren't they worth the chance to rid myself of cancer? Of course they are! No one ever said this journey would be easy and it makes no sense to defeat yourself at the very beginning by worrying about all of these "maybes". If they come, they come, and my doctors and I will deal with them. But for a few hours, this evening I allowed myself to be controlled by the fear and apprehension they bring.

Fortunately, I have a great support team, as you know. Dave, Jenn and my friend, Elaine helped me to start looking on the bright side again. Then two things made me feel even better!

First, I received a beautiful plant from my friends, Yvonne and Pam. It made me feel so good to know they were thinking of me.

Then last night, my son, John, called from California to say that he's coming home on December 1st for a visit!! That news made my spirits soar! I haven't seen him in a year and can hardly wait for the day of his arrival! Unfortunately, my daughter-in-law and granddaughter won't accompany him on this visit but will be coming sometime after the beginning of the year. But that just gives me even more to look forward to!

I guess it isn't unnatural to have moments when things get to you as long as you pick yourself back up and make sure it doesn't become a habit. A day that was filled with ups and downs still ended on a really high note and that continues today.

I was reminded of something my friend sent me awhile back:

God's Cake

Sometimes we wonder, "What did I do to deserve this?" or "Why did God have to do this to me?" Here is a wonderful explanation! A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.

Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, "Absolutely Mom, I love your cake"

"Here, have some cooking oil," her Mother offers. "Yuck" says her daughter.

"How about a couple raw eggs?" "Gross, Mom!"

"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?" "Mom, those are all yucky!"

To which the mother replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way , they make a wonderfully delicious cake!

God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!

God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning.

Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.

- Author Unknown

So right now, while I may not like all the ingredients I have to work with, the finished product ~ a healthy, whole body ~ is more than worth a few "yucks" along the way! : ) The important thing is to continue with a good attitude, allowing myself to feel those chemo drugs destroying the cancer cells in my body. It that requires a little discomfort along the way, it's a small price to pay. I didn't enter this battle to give up and I don't intend to do that now. If there are a few bumps on the way to becoming healthy again, so be it. I'll handle them just like the millions who came before me and the millions who will follow. Just because you're a cancer patient doesn't mean you have to be a wimp! LOL I'll get through it all with help from my family, my friends and God.

Until next time . . . Remember that every cloud has a silver lining if you're just willing to look for it.

A giant milestone is reached . . .

I finally started my chemotherapy yesterday and now I truly feel like I'm doing something concrete to fight back! While I was receiving the treatment, I envisioned the drugs shrinking all the tumors and that made me feel really good. Now I feel the cancer getting weaker every day, as I become stronger. That nasty old disease hasn't won yet and it won't!

It was a very long, draining day and I'm glad it's over but, as usual, the reality wasn't nearly as scary as what I had imagined it would be. Don't you find that's almost always the case? The night before I talked with my friend, Debbie, who has been a cancer patient for four years. She answered all of my questions about the treatments. Hearing about it from someone who has actually been there is a lot more comforting than having the professionals tell you what to expect. Of course, everyone is affected differently but I still felt much better after speaking with Debbie.

Unfortunately, the steroids I took the day before kept me from sleeping so I was operating ~ well, kind of operating ~ on about 2 and 1/2 hours of sleep when we set out for the Institute. I was relatively calm when we arrived. Maybe I was just too tired to be anything else. ; ) There were some paperwork glitches that had to be taken care of so my treatment didn't get started on time. The wait was a little tense but when they finally started infusing the drugs, it wasn't that bad. One drug gave me an unpleasant taste in my mouth but that was really the only thing I noticed.

Near the end of the treatment, on one of my many trips to the restroom, I noticed that my face had a whole lot of color to it. The nurse explained that it's called "chemo flush" and that it would be even redder today ~ which it was this morning but now seems to be fading. Actually, it made me look pretty healthy and I didn't mind it all that much! : )

A little later on I started to experience heartburn and knew that one of the drugs had fired up my acid reflux which hasn't been a problem in quite some time. However, I have medication to deal with that which I took when I got home so it didn't last too long. So far I haven't had any problem with nausea or vomiting ~ I've been taking my compazine every 6 hours as directed and it seems to be working.

Again last night I had trouble sleeping so I'm really, really tired today. I've been trying to get little cat naps here and there but either the phone rings or there is some other distraction so I haven't been very successful yet. However, I have the feeling that a good nap isn't far away. I've been drinking water like crazy, as they suggested, and feel like I could float away!

Oh, I forgot to mention that when they weighed me, I had gained 1.7 pounds since the day before! Again, the culprit is the steroids causing fluid retention! That did not make me happy at all but at least I know it's only temporary.

So . . . now I know what chemo treatments are like and won't be so apprehensive when I have my next one on November 30th. I think I'm scheduled for a course of 6 treatments so they should be done in March some time.

On Monday, I'm having the medi-port implanted and that should be the last major procedure ~ I hope. The surgeon, Dr. Schattner (that's Keven, not William LOL) , assures me that I won't feel a thing or know what's happening. I'm very happy to hear that because I'm not big on pain these days! He said there will be some soreness for a few days and after that it shouldn't bother me. It will sure make chemo a lot easier because they won't have to poke my veins once the port is in. Right now my veins are in really good shape and they have no problems but I understand that chemo really messes them up and eventually it gets very hard to access a good vein. I'm glad I won't have to deal with that.

Today I had a wonderful surprise, Linda and Pat, two women I worked with many years ago, sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers! It was so kind of them and really filled my day with sunshine. People are truly fantastic and I'm so blessed to have such a great support team! Between my family and my friends, both online and off, how could I have anything but high spirits and a positive attitude? I love all you guys!

Life is about the relationships we form ~ I truly believe there is nothing more important. We all need to remember, no matter how busy we are, we have to take the time to nurture them and keep them strong. We have to remember our priorities ~ our God, our family and our friends. Success, money and possessions don't mean anything if we don't have the first three.

Until next time . . . Take the time to show people you care.

There is no shame in leaning on others . . .

This past weekend turned out to be a busy one.

On Friday afternoon, my sister surprised me with another visit! I didn't know she had planned this trip and it was wonderful to see her. We had lots of time to talk and reminisce. We went out to dinner with my mom on Friday evening and then spent the rest of the night chattering about this and that. Saturday morning we got our signals crossed ~ when I got up, I saw her bedroom door was still closed so, not wanting to wake her, I came into my office and closed the door. She woke up and, thinking I was still asleep, she made her coffee and sat in the living room drinking it. Had I not eventually gone out to refill my orange juice, we might have wasted the entire morning trying to keep quiet so the other could sleep! LOL

Sherry had to leave after lunch on Saturday. I think I've told you that she's a teacher and parent conferences are scheduled for this week so she had to get back home to prepare for them. But, even though the visit was short, it was a whole lot of fun. I'm so grateful to my sister for taking time she really doesn't have to spend with me. If I weren't sick, we wouldn't see each other much during the school year. These visits have been real blessings to me.

Since my two grandsons were sick this weekend, Brandon with strep throat and John with a virus, I wasn't able to spend any time with my daughter. With chemo starting this week, I can't afford to get sick so I had to stay away from them. I'm happy to report that they're both doing much better now.

Dave and I went to mass yesterday and it felt really good to be back. Father Anthony gave me two books to read, "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" and "Praying with John of the Cross." I have my doctors looking out for my physical welfare, my family and friends taking care of my emotional health, and Father Anthony working on my spiritual condition. I'd say that all the bases are covered, wouldn't you? I'm so grateful to have all of them in my corner. Without them, I think I'd be pretty lost right now. As it is, I feel I'm in excellent hands!

No one can struggle with something of the magnitude of cancer without the help of others. It's not the time to prove your self-sufficiency! No matter what your particular challenge may be; whether it's physical or not, it's really important to feel that you have others with whom you can share your thoughts and feelings. The old saying "No man is an island", is particularly true here. Don't ever think you have to go it alone, no matter what the problem may be. We need each other! Sharing lifts a heavy burden off your shoulders and it makes others feel pleased that they can do something to help, even if it's just listening and offering their support.

For now, I'm going to leave you with this thought:

"No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are,
raise your sights and see the possibilities -
always see them, for they're always there."

- Dr. Norman Vincent Peale

Until next time . . . Remember that you never have to go through dark times alone.

Post Script . . . Good News and Not So Good News

Well, guys, I thought I should get back with you today because I talked with my doctor on the telephone a couple of hours ago. The wonderful news is that the MRI of my brain was negative ~ that means there is no metastasis, not that I HAVE no brain! ; ) However, it seems that the fluid which the surgeon aspirated from the mass in my liver did contain cancer cells. That's a bummer, but, it's all relative. I would sooner have had that news than find I have cancer in my brain.

Dr. Mehrotra is confident that my chemo treatments will take care of the small mass in my liver. She said we'll just go ahead as planned and that I'm getting the very best chemo regimen, even considering this new turn of events. She seemed quite positive and I am too.

Surprisingly, as uplifted as I was by the news of only having a cyst in my liver, I haven't become depressed by the discovery that that isn't the case after all. It's simply one more little bump in the road toward recovery. : ) I'm not about to let it throw me.

I'm off to curl up in front of the fire as I told you I planned to do. However, the snow has stopped falling and what we received this morning has all melted. It doesn't matter though because it's still very cold and a good day to enjoy the warmth and comfort of snuggling in an afghan and watching the flames of the fire dance here and there.

Until next time . . . Don't sweat the small stuff and, remember, it's all small stuff!

Life is good . . . if you allow it to be.

Yesterday was a very long and tiring day. I had to be at the Cancer Institute at 8:45 a.m. for a bone scan and didn't leave there until 2:00 p.m. It wasn't a particularly difficult test ~ just long and uncomfortable. Some of the positions the technician placed me in were definitely meant for those much younger and more flexible than I am! I suppose I was also a little more rigid than usual because of being a bit nervous. However, there really was nothing to fear. I think I actually caught a little cat nap when we finally got to the part where I could lie down and let the machine do its thing.

I'm learning a lot as I go through these various procedures. Most staff people are more than happy to explain their work and tell me all kinds of interesting things. For example, I learned all about the radioactive material they injected in my veins for the test, why and how it works. I also learned that I would be radioactive for 24 hours, with the amount still present in my bones being reduced by one half every six hours. I checked to see if I would glow in the dark last night but I didn't. LOL

It was very weird to see images of my own skeleton. They looked like decorations left over from Halloween! Brandon, my almost 11 year-old grandson, dressed as a skeleton for trick or treating and I really think, although his costume was great, that my images were a lot scarier! ; ) Of course, the technician wouldn't tell me what she saw so it's another one of those endless "wait and see" situations. I'm getting quite used to them now and no longer sit on pins and needles awaiting the results. I figure it is what it is and I'll find out sooner or later.

Unless my oncologist comes up with something I'm not expecting, I have a long break now. I don't have another appointment until next Wednesday when we meet with the surgeon who will be implanting my mediport. I need a break from all the medical types so I can get back to a normal, everyday kind life for a few days. Cancer or not, life does go on and it's nice to have the time to enjoy it.

One of my good friends, Debbie, who is also a cancer patient, shared something she read in Lance Armstrong's book, "It's Not About the Bike - My Journey Back to Life". He gave the following acronym for Cancer:

C-Courage
A-Attitude
N-NEVER give up
C-Curability
E-Enlightment
R-Remembrance

I believe those qualities can be applied to most of life's situations and are helpful whether you have cancer or not. We all face challenges of one kind or another and we all have to have the courage to meet them. We have to confront them with a positive attitude and persevere (never give up) until we resolve (cure) them. By meeting those challenges we learn from them (enlightment). I'm not sure how Lance defined "remembrance", but for my purposes here, I'll define it as remembering that we succeeded in overcoming that obstacle which gives us the confidence of knowing we have the power to meet ANY roadblock life throws in our path.

Another good friend, Elaine, sent me An Irish Blessing, that I'd like to share with you. It's very beautiful and I hope it means as much to you as it did to me. You can find it here: http://www.andiesisle.com:80/Blessings.html. Make sure you turn your speakers up because the music is awesome. After you've read the blessing yourself, Roma Downey recites it along with the music so don't click off too early.

It's supposed to snow today so my plans for later are to sit in front of the fire all cozy in my snuggly afghan, watch the snow come down and thank God that He filled this world with such beauty. Maybe you can take a few minutes to appreciate the wonderful things that surround you.

Until next time . . . Relax and enjoy life's blessings.

Taking back control . . .

Today I made the realization that I have allowed this thing called cancer to run my life for the past month and more. I've decided that will not continue. Yes, cancer is now a part of my life but it isn't ALL of my life and I won't allow it to be. There are still so many wonderful, exciting things to experience every day. If I think only of being a cancer patient with an uncertain future, I will miss too much.

Dwelling on anything gives it power over you. Cancer is no exception. I have so many things to be grateful for and it's important to remember that . . . God, family, friends, my two lovable labs, the beauty of nature, the love that surrounds me, the ability to find humor in everyday things, the breeze against my face, sitting in front of a fire on a blustery night, good books, a caring medical team . . . I could go on and on. These things are more important than cancer and deserve more attention. So, from now on I'll do what needs to be done to fight this thing and rejoice in all the other facets of my life. Cancer WILL NOT control my thoughts or my life.

Yesterday I received some wonderful news, the mass that was seen on my liver in the CT scan is just a cyst ~ it is not malignant! It's so refreshing to be able to celebrate some good news after all the negative stuff that's been going on. I'm so relieved and the news lightened my spirit by at least a ton! ; )

Yesterday I also received a hilarious email from one of my ezine subscribers, Buddy Pierce. I'm including it here because each one of us, cancer patient or not, needs a good laugh!

Texas Squirrel

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect!

The weather has been unseasonable and warm in Austin, so I got the bike out to go for a ride. I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close.

I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming VTX with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular ... as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest.

Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, uttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact; he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!

The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a VTX can only have one result. Torque. This is what the VTX is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.

The squirrel screamed in anger. The VTX screamed in ecstasy.

I screamed in ... well ... I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn-t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle ... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on The Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment) so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet.

By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of -- so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back).

I really would have. Really. Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street and was aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So the cops were not interested in me.

They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves... and some Band-Aids.

I hope you all enjoy this story as much as I did. I continue to laugh every time I think of it. Many, many thanks to Buddy for sending it to me.

Now, I'm going to have a good day and spend it enjoying all the blessings that surround me. What about you?

Until next time . . . Concentrate on love, laughter and healing.